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Death Fantasy vs. actually being suicidal?


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So, yes there have been a few, but not many, times in my life I have been actively suicidal. The rest of the time it's like I have what I refer to as a "death fantasy". It's not like I have a plan (time, date, method) or believe I will actually do it, but I'd say the majority of the time it's like I would prefer it if I were no longer living. Even when majorly medicated and sometimes when manic (maybe not the early fun part where I'm too busy taking over the world to end my life). It's just like a sucky fact of life, living when you don't really feel like it but have the willpower keep doing it. Is this a thing?

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I used to get thoughts like that all the time. The word I pulled out of my ass for it when talking to my psych is "thanatophilic" thoughts or fantasies. Mostly pretty passive, but I'd get rather detailed about it in my ruminations sometimes. Various contrived scenarios in which I would die, everything that would lead up to it and follow, stuff like that.

 

It's basically gone away for me since finding a good cocktail and doing some therapy. Still get intrusive suicidal thoughts every couple days or so, but that's different.

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It's almost comforting, like an emergency rip cord that I will probably never use but I know it's there.

What, like Harry Haller?

As every strength may become a weakness (and under some circumstances must) so, on the contrary, may the typical suicide find a strength and a support in his apparent weakness. Indeed, he does so more often than not. The case of Harry, the Steppenwolf, is one of these. As thousands of his like do, he found consolation and support, and not merely the melancholy play of youthful fancy, in the idea that the way to death was open to him at any moment. It is true that with him, as with all men of his kind, every shock, every pain, every untoward predicament at once called forth the wish to find an escape in death. By degrees, however, he fashioned for himself out of this tendency a philosophy that was actually serviceable to life. He gained strength through familiarity with the thought that the emergency exit stood always open

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Guest Vapourware

I remember being quite surprised when told most people don't think about suicide regularly. I did when I was young, and I still do. I don't think there is anything particularly wrong about it because I see it as exerting control over your life. I don't see why someone should be obligated to remain on this Earth when living is hell.

 

Not saying that I condone suicide. I wouldn't encourage it, but as mentioned above, it's an emergency exit.

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Lots of people think about it with no intention of ever going through with it. Like, a surprisingly large amount of the 'normal' population according to my psychology lecturer (I'm trying to find the link to it, I'll post it when I do) It's only problematic if it makes you uncomfortable /scared, or if it becomes really specific such as method, time or if you think about it uncontrollably to the point where it makes other life tasks difficult. I remember being in year one, so like six and we where doing this exercise where we had to sit around in a circle and say what our 'daydreams' where, and the kids where like 'being a superhero', 'being a princess', 'having a cake the size of my head' and I said 'how I'm going to die'. Then all the kids laughed, and my parents got called ha. 

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Lots of people think about it with no intention of ever going through with it. Like, a surprisingly large amount of the 'normal' population according to my psychology lecturer (I'm trying to find the link to it, I'll post it when I do) It's only problematic if it makes you uncomfortable /scared, or if it becomes really specific such as method, time or if you think about it uncontrollably to the point where it makes other life tasks difficult.

 

You gotta be a little careful here. Fleeting thoughts are very common. Recurring, persistent or serious thoughts - not so much - they're usually a serious symptom.

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I have this too. It's like an alluring thought and comforting for some sick reason.

I think non MI ppl think about it but just not to the extent that some of us do.

When I was a really young kid I didn't want to kill myself but, I was obsessed with killing other people. Now that is just not normal in any way shape or form. I actually thought I might do it! But even to this day it skeeves me out with my 6 yo murderous thoughts :(

Edited by Energizerhoney
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It's almost comforting, like an emergency rip cord that I will probably never use but I know it's there.

 

This is exactly how I feel about it.  I draw security from the knowledge that suicide is always an option for me, a way out when everything goes to shit irretrievably.  This isn't something I readily own up to.  I guess it's nice to know that there are others who can relate to this.

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