Death Fantasy vs. actually being suicidal?

[creativelycrazy]

So, yes there have been a few, but not many, times in my life I have been actively suicidal. The rest of the time it's like I have what I refer to as a "death fantasy". It's not like I have a plan (time, date, method) or believe I will actually do it, but I'd say the majority of the time it's like I would prefer it if I were no longer living. Even when majorly medicated and sometimes when manic (maybe not the early fun part where I'm too busy taking over the world to end my life). It's just like a sucky fact of life, living when you don't really feel like it but have the willpower keep doing it. Is this a thing?

[misanthropicusername]

I used to get thoughts like that all the time. The word I pulled out of my ass for it when talking to my psych is "thanatophilic" thoughts or fantasies. Mostly pretty passive, but I'd get rather detailed about it in my ruminations sometimes. Various contrived scenarios in which I would die, everything that would lead up to it and follow, stuff like that.

 

It's basically gone away for me since finding a good cocktail and doing some therapy. Still get intrusive suicidal thoughts every couple days or so, but that's different.

[Manic Maverick]

.........

Edited January 23, 2016 by Manic Maverick

[WinglessFaery]

Oh yes i have this almost always

[pa_canuck]

me too

[creativelycrazy]

Here's the really sick part. I'm not sure I'm all that disturbed by it. It's almost comforting, like an emergency rip cord that I will probably never use but I know it's there.

[Manic Maverick]

......

Edited January 23, 2016 by Manic Maverick

[misanthropicusername]

It's almost comforting, like an emergency rip cord that I will probably never use but I know it's there.

What, like Harry Haller?

As every strength may become a weakness (and under some circumstances must) so, on the contrary, may the typical suicide find a strength and a support in his apparent weakness. Indeed, he does so more often than not. The case of Harry, the Steppenwolf, is one of these. As thousands of his like do, he found consolation and support, and not merely the melancholy play of youthful fancy, in the idea that the way to death was open to him at any moment. It is true that with him, as with all men of his kind, every shock, every pain, every untoward predicament at once called forth the wish to find an escape in death. By degrees, however, he fashioned for himself out of this tendency a philosophy that was actually serviceable to life. He gained strength through familiarity with the thought that the emergency exit stood always open

[Cacia]

;

Edited July 8, 2013 by Cacia

[Guest Vapourware]

I remember being quite surprised when told most people don't think about suicide regularly. I did when I was young, and I still do. I don't think there is anything particularly wrong about it because I see it as exerting control over your life. I don't see why someone should be obligated to remain on this Earth when living is hell.

 

Not saying that I condone suicide. I wouldn't encourage it, but as mentioned above, it's an emergency exit.

[Likeabowlof0ranges]

Lots of people think about it with no intention of ever going through with it. Like, a surprisingly large amount of the 'normal' population according to my psychology lecturer (I'm trying to find the link to it, I'll post it when I do) It's only problematic if it makes you uncomfortable /scared, or if it becomes really specific such as method, time or if you think about it uncontrollably to the point where it makes other life tasks difficult. I remember being in year one, so like six and we where doing this exercise where we had to sit around in a circle and say what our 'daydreams' where, and the kids where like 'being a superhero', 'being a princess', 'having a cake the size of my head' and I said 'how I'm going to die'. Then all the kids laughed, and my parents got called ha. 

[kateislate]

Lots of people think about it with no intention of ever going through with it. Like, a surprisingly large amount of the 'normal' population according to my psychology lecturer (I'm trying to find the link to it, I'll post it when I do) It's only problematic if it makes you uncomfortable /scared, or if it becomes really specific such as method, time or if you think about it uncontrollably to the point where it makes other life tasks difficult.

 

You gotta be a little careful here. Fleeting thoughts are very common. Recurring, persistent or serious thoughts - not so much - they're usually a serious symptom.

[Likeabowlof0ranges]

Yeah that's pretty much what I mean by uncontrollable. I'm not saying it's not serious, if it affects your life then it's serious.

[thefatalfetus]

i thought i was the only one who felt like that sometimes

[Wonderful.Cheese]

I feel the same way. Once a nurse (bitch!) told me that I may ALWAYS feel suicidal. Well, I guess she was somewhat right. She was still a bitch about it though!

[Energizerhoney]

I have this too. It's like an alluring thought and comforting for some sick reason.

I think non MI ppl think about it but just not to the extent that some of us do.

When I was a really young kid I didn't want to kill myself but, I was obsessed with killing other people. Now that is just not normal in any way shape or form. I actually thought I might do it! But even to this day it skeeves me out with my 6 yo murderous thoughts

Edited April 12, 2013 by Energizerhoney

[dpshaw]

Nice to know I'm not alone in this.

[JustDucky]

I can relate to this. I often think my family would be better off without me. Some days more than others

[MiaB]

It's almost comforting, like an emergency rip cord that I will probably never use but I know it's there.

 

This is exactly how I feel about it.  I draw security from the knowledge that suicide is always an option for me, a way out when everything goes to shit irretrievably.  This isn't something I readily own up to.  I guess it's nice to know that there are others who can relate to this.

[Pattyn]

same here !

Edited April 2, 2013 by Pattyn

[scatty]

I used to feel this way a lot of the time until I got on lithium. 

[creativelycrazy]

It feels better finally saying it out loud. I guess I was always afraid if I started talking about it people would start dialing 911 on me. I fessed up to my new therapist last night and she didn't seem awfully alarmed or surprised and we discussed it very calmly. I'm also ramping up on Depakote to stop my rapid cycling. It stopped me alright---right into a bitch of a depression. Had bloodwork drawn this past weekend and 2nd new pdoc apt. this coming weekend. (Yes, Sat hours, how awesome is that?) Hopefully she can do some adjusting. 

[Anna]

Yeah, the majority of my time depressed I would fantasize about death. I knew I wouldn't do it, because that would be leaving my kid.   Right now I'm on lithium and stable, but my stressors are enormous, and I wonder how things will all turn out.   If my husband ends up divorcing me (a possibility) I will GRIEVE and like, I don't know what I will do.  It may involve some death fantasies, but I believe it would be coming soon (just in my head I do), and I know I would go through Acute Terrible Grief.   But, I will still have kiddo and family around, so I know I will/would get through it..... I don't think passive death wish, or fantasies, are all that dangerous, really. To me, in some ways, they are a release .  As long as I know I'm not going to act on anything, neither myself nor my providers feel worried.   Anna

[owly]

Here's the really sick part. I'm not sure I'm all that disturbed by it. It's almost comforting, like an emergency rip cord that I will probably never use but I know it's there.

 

I used to experience the same thing. When I was upset, these fantasies calmed me down, even helped me sleep at times. But it gradually became an uncontrollable obsession that began to consume my life. I spent literally hours a day thinking of nothing else. Those "soothing" fantasies became obsessive thoughts, which led to concrete plans, which culminated in a suicide attempt. Be careful. It can be a slippery slope. The cocktail of meds that I started last year really calmed those thoughts, but if I'm not careful I'll slip into them occasionally even now.

 

Message me if you need to talk to someone who has been there. Good luck to you!

[Raux]

I constantly go there... It's my first reaction when something goes wrong; I'm embarrassed, I forgot to pick up the cat food, etc. anything negative and automatically I go to suicide as the answer. Sometimes I can brush it off as a fleeting thought, sometimes I dwell on it. My pdoc says it's one of my coping mechanisms.

[girlwiththefarawayeyes]

There are two distinct versions of this for me. There's the suicidal ideation- where I think the "they'd be better off without me" thoughts. Always occurs when I'm very depressed, and I've learned to use it as an advantage. It's like a way of opening a dialogue with myself: Okay, you think they'd be better off without you, really? Wouldn't you miss seeing so-and-so, etc.

 

I also have what I think falls into the category of hallucinations. I see myself- sometimes out of body- carrying it out. It's usually pretty gruesome and difficult to get out of my head. This is more likely part of a hypomanic stage.

 

I am glad you all brought it up because- yeah- I've never talked about the second kind to anyone. Too afraid of what the intervention might be.

[BIMBO]

I used to experience the same thing. When I was upset, these fantasies calmed me down, even helped me sleep at times. But it gradually became an uncontrollable obsession that began to consume my life. I spent literally hours a day thinking of nothing else. Those "soothing" fantasies became obsessive thoughts, which led to concrete plans, which culminated in a suicide attempt. Be careful. It can be a slippery slope. The cocktail of meds that I started last year really calmed those thoughts, but if I'm not careful I'll slip into them occasionally even now.

I experienced this. My doc will always ask if I'm truly suicidal or if its ideation and I tell him there's no way of knowing because I feel like this so often but when I have attempted it, there's been no grand plan. It was always spur of the moment.