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In the doldrums and feeling guilty about it


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I feel like a mope.

 

I don't like to say I'm depressed because it's so...depressing. I prefer to think that I'm just experiencing a debilitating sadness.  

Which, I am. I'm sad. And debilitated. So, not necessarily incorrect.

 

I'm doing everything I'm supposed to in order to get past this. I meet with my talky doctor every week and tell her how my life is great but I just want to crawl in a hole and cry anyway. I've been taking the pills my psychiatrist prescribed like a dutiful little patient, but because I'm on a new medication they aren't helping yet. If anything, I feel worse. I'm dragging myself out of the house and trying to be okay, but I just have this horrible ache in my chest and I want to just not be part of the world for a while.

 

And I feel guilty for complaining because I am truly blessed. I have the best family in the world, my husband loves and supports me, I have nieces and nephews who think I'm the best auntie ever, and my dogs follow me around even when I don't have food. Clearly I should be happy. But I'm just inexplicably sad and I don't know how to explain why.

 

I have no motivation. I am falling behind in school because I can't find the will power to do my work. My sleep schedule is whack. I am wide awake right now at 2:30 am but I'll be dragging my feet all day tomorrow. I am basically just failing at being a person right now. And I feel bad talking to anyone in my life about it because they have their own problems. My husband is my normal go to, but he's deployed so he doesn't need the added stress of his crazy pants wife feeling and acting like a lump.

 

Blah blah blah. I feel like I should just be able to snap my fingers and get over this but I can't and it's bugging me. :(

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You know, I think that is the worst part of depression?  The guilt, and the I SHOULDs that we have to tell ourselves to further beat ourselves up.  I'm not gonna give you some crap analogy to cancer or some shit, and the like, and how you might be feeling/supported then, because that is JUST not the reality.  It should be but it is not realistic.

I do suggest maybe coming up with some positive words for yourself when all that shit surfaces? Something that realy actually resonates for you, you know?  And repeat it over and over and it will feel like trying to fill up the ocean with a bucket at first but raising the water level has to start somewhere......

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You are ill and it's not your fault at all. Depression really doesn't care how good your life is, depression has nothing to do how blessed you are. Don't feel guilty, your not being ungrateful. Guilt is a symptom of depression that can be treated. But why would you lie to your therapist about feeling good? No one is benefitting from that. If you feel like crap tell them, sometimes they don't pick up on the cues. After you've given your meds enough time to work, and or the side effects are intolerable then tell your pdoc and they will work with you to try and find something that helps. I hope you can feel better soon.

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I personally find positive thinking really unhelpful because I immediately counteract it with "but that's not true because...". I can aim for realistic thinking though. It helps to remind myself that the guilt is a symptom of depression, and lots of people have experienced deep sadness when their life circumstances don't seem particularly dependant on life circumstances.

 

I know the people around me feel better when I tell them how I'm feeling. That way they can support me rather than just feeling helpless. Blogging helps too because I can get it out and there's no obligation for people to respond unless they want to. 

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Do you see a tdoc (therapist) or pdoc (psychiatrist)?

 

I see both. Therapist once a week, psychiatrist every 3 weeks.

 

You are ill and it's not your fault at all. Depression really doesn't care how good your life is, depression has nothing to do how blessed you are. Don't feel guilty, your not being ungrateful. Guilt is a symptom of depression that can be treated. But why would you lie to your therapist about feeling good? No one is benefitting from that. If you feel like crap tell them, sometimes they don't pick up on the cues. After you've given your meds enough time to work, and or the side effects are intolerable then tell your pdoc and they will work with you to try and find something that helps. I hope you can feel better soon.

 

I don't lie, sorry if I wasn't clear. I basically tell her I'm miserable and she like wants to come up with reasons for it but really there aren't any. Because my life really truly is pretty great. I'm sad for no reason. So I tell her that. My life is awesome. I have the best family, kick ass friends, and an amazing husband. Also, my dogs are beautiful and love me. I have a roof over my head and a car that runs. I'm super lucky. I should not be depressed. I just am.

 

I personally find positive thinking really unhelpful because I immediately counteract it with "but that's not true because...". I can aim for realistic thinking though. It helps to remind myself that the guilt is a symptom of depression, and lots of people have experienced deep sadness when their life circumstances don't seem particularly dependant on life circumstances.

 

I know the people around me feel better when I tell them how I'm feeling. That way they can support me rather than just feeling helpless. Blogging helps too because I can get it out and there's no obligation for people to respond unless they want to. 

 

I know that I can't control the depression. Logically I know I'm doing everything I can. It's just hard to stop feeling guilty, which makes me more depressed. Neverending cycle

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