Jump to content
CrazyBoards.org

Fucking brain, I hate you & will put so much meds into you until you STFU! Next step 600mg Clozaril


Recommended Posts

So, there is me, the extremely correct and law obeying citizen, extremely logical and reliable and basically the most trustworthy person you can imagine.

And then there is the psychotic me, coexisting with my true self which is all good and shit.
The psychosis generates thoughts in me of how to hurt people (literally, my dad has bought a car-jack and I'm coming up with all kind of ideas about how I could hurt people with that. I don't want to go to details, they are nasty). My psychosis makes me super angry all the time (I always act on it when I'm alone, not among people. I'm very nice and calm to people. But I Lie in my bed swearing and shouting for hours in my bed. Maybe kicking too)

And guess what! My psychosis makes me slightly pedophile too as long as you would consider being into 16yo's pedophile. The local law here is okey with it. BUT I AM FUCKING NOT. IT'S DISGUSTING. But my psychosis keeps generating sexy thoughts about being with 16yo's.

I see no other way that taking so much mood stabilizers and antipsychotics to make my brain so lame that it can't think at all and then I will go and start thoughts by will. I see no other way than making a zombie out of myself to get rid of this. Some people have to be zombified. That's our faith.

So next time I'm going to push my doc to prescribe me high dose clozapine. I'm on maximum dose of 2 antipsychotics for god's sake why isn't this working? Fuck this shit.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

i'm not schiz, but i read your post and i wanted to say i'm sorry.  it must be terrible to be afraid and disgusted by your own thoughts.  i hope your pdoc has more promising treatment for you really soon.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

That does sound extremely difficult, and I too am sorry.    I don't know how many AAPs you have been through, so far, but I do want to say that if going higher doesn't work, that hopefully trying different combinations of AAPs might work?


There have been times in my life when I've been on 3 AAPs and grateful for it.  I haven't felt zombified (at the time) because I'm usually highly manic when it happens. I guess what I'm trying to say is keep trying..... I was dx in 99 and  I've had the best year ever (apart from stressors) with my illness, because I am finally, finally coming to the exact right cocktail.... for me.   And it takes a lot of drugs.   And I'm pretty freaking functional.  So I hope you don't give up. 

Anna

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • 3 weeks later...

Me too, I'm constantly disgusted by my thoughts...I know the thoughts are not mine, I'm not a monster.

The meds turn me into a zombie usually, literally I will sleep for like 12-15 hours straight, with naps throughout the day and then do it again...

But my thoughts are violent, sexual, combos thereof, nothing I would ever act on obviously, but it kills me that my mind is fucked up enough to have it even begin to process something like that...

I shouldn't want to do this stuff...but it's still there.

Something is chewing on my brain.....

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Thank god 30mg of zyprexa, and 150 mg of topamax made me semi healthy. I'm kindaaaa symptom free. I get exhausted very eaysily still but other than that it's all ok. I'm wondering why topamax would help. maybe it was dysphoric mania and not psychosis after all. And i'm also wondering why 4mg of risperdal + 20mg of zyprexa didn't help but 30mg of zyprexa without the risperdal helps. crazy brain.....

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Join the conversation

You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.

Guest
Reply to this topic...

×   Pasted as rich text.   Paste as plain text instead

  Only 75 emoji are allowed.

×   Your link has been automatically embedded.   Display as a link instead

×   Your previous content has been restored.   Clear editor

×   You cannot paste images directly. Upload or insert images from URL.

 Share

×
×
  • Create New...