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oh, that crazy BPD (& my body)


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I find that the older I get (and I'm not that old), and the longer that I've been on medication, the less concrete my symptoms become. Gone are the days where I had discrete manias and depressions. Here are the days when I just have a general sense of "craziness," or cry every day for weeks but don't fit all of the criteria for A Depressive Episode.

Here are some examples of things that have changed since I was first diagnosed in 2001:

1. 1000 mg Depakote used to keep me at a level of 80-90. Now it barely keeps me above the bare minimum for therapeutic value (50), so we had to switch to 1500 mg.

2. I never used to have hallucinations beyond the waking-up kind (as I was waking up), and I always thought that the ones that I did have were ones where I could clearly tell I was hallucinating. Last spring I heard girls screaming for help outside my window where there were none, two nights in a row; the first time I called 911. Two weeks ago I was taking a shower and heard a voice telling me hurtful things from the shower drain. I wasn't having an "episode" at the time, either. I still have the old-fashioned waking-up hallucinations (hearing radios playing where there are none and they're talking especially to me, hearing music as I'm waking up in my head, even though my eyes are open, etc.) sometimes, but these new ones are a bit more disturbing.

3. I used to be able to drink like a fish without any problem (up until this year). Now I have one or two drinks and I have insomnia for a week bordering on the kind of sleeplessness/agitation that comes with mania (like, 0 hours of sleep the night before, not tired the next day). So I had to cut hard alcohol out of my life.

Has stuff like this happened to any of you before?

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