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I can't stay here any more


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I didn't want to be in a relationship.  I told him.  I am unhappy, and my illness is getting worse and worse.  My finances are shit right now, we live in a dumpy little apartment with dog piss stains all over the floor.

It's dirty here, it's messy, and I miss dearly the life I had up in minnesota, before I came down here to this uncultured desert wasteland where all the women are beautiful but shallow. 

I told him right in the beginning I didn't think I was ready to be in a relationship but love swept us both away and now I am in too deep and I just want out. 

he's amazing, but I am not happy.  Should I stay until June when the lease is up, or force him to find another roommate?  Is it my conscience keeping me here or his guilt trip? 

And I can't keep running.  I ran down here but got away from nothing, because well everyone knows you can't run from yourself. 

And then I say hurtful things because at the grocery store all three of my credit cards were denied and I couldn't get breakfast for us.  I realized how bad things are getting, and it's beyond the point where I can fix anything by myself.

I just want to go home.  Patience is a virtue.... but can I live in such an unhealthy state for another seven months?  I don't have any money.  The only other place I could go would be minnesota where there are people I could stay with to get on my feet. 

and I tried to kill myself two weeks ago.  Took a bottle of sleeping pills and waited on our dirty bathroom floor to die.  Daniel came home and found me then, and thus began a half-assed version of intensive care and therapy. 

But I feel even worse and more trapped now than I did then.  Please help.  I am hanging on to a slim strand of sanity and the pure lack of motivation I possess is calling me to let go, let go....

I just want to go home.....  Is that so wrong?

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It's not so wrong. It sounds like you think you will have a better chance of getting well if you go home. When you're in crisis, that's got to be your first priority.. not paying the rent, not saving someone's feelings, not stressing about the credit cards... Getting stable.

Who do you have at home that can help you? Can they help you from long distance? Would it help if you talked to them every day? Try to avoid the tunnel vision thing if you can. There may be other coping strategies that will get you through this that you're not seeing. Being patient and exploring the options may be beneficial... If they're not though, go home! You can't fix anything if you're dead.

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no - this is NOT wrong.

youve made this clear to him from DAY ONE. love will always get in the way. 

i have been in a similar situation where ive lived with an ex.  i was unhealthy and unhappy for several months, but i stayed because i felt guilty and didnt understand or know how to approach the situation - and it made me more depressed EVERY DAY.

you have to do whats best for YOU.  you cant go on living your life differently for someone else. as you said, youve attempted suicide...

you just want to go home?  please go home. this is your sanity, your life.

you know that you love this person, im sure he can survive.  what happens with your relationship after this, i dont know...you havent mentioned anything about that here.

but as ive said, do whatever you need to do for you.  that is the most important thing. 

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and I tried to kill myself two weeks ago.  Took a bottle of sleeping pills and waited on our dirty bathroom floor to die.  Daniel came home and found me then, and thus began a half-assed version of intensive care and therapy. 
WHOOP!  WHOOP! WHOOP!  Danger!  Danger, Will Robinson!

Get the heck out of there.  Now.  Today.  Speak to whoever in Minn and get back there.  See if parents or friends will help by buying a plane ticket for you. 

I just want to go home.....  Is that so wrong?

Nope, not wrong.  Safe.  Safe is good.  The bad sitch you are in now will only exacerbate your problems and MI and will lead you down a even worse road.  Think about it - do you really think things could get better in desertland?  Probably not.  My opinion, things could get better at home.  Home is comfortable and for me more conducive to getting better.  And don't EVEN worry about him getting a roomate.  He is a big boy and can take care of it.  You need to worry about yourself.

I did the exact same thing last year.  Moved to Seattle, 3000 miles away from EVERYONE and crashed and burned.  Eventually came back to NJ and familial support.  I needed it.  At the time I felt like a failure, but it was the most responsible thing I could possibly do for myself.  It was the first steo in a very long uphill battle to betterness. 

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Thank you everyone for your support.  I am today going to call anywhere and everywhere to get into some type of beneficial DBT group (as I've tried it before up in MN and it worked).

I need to be proactive... my dad lives down here and is going to help me organize my finances and get back on track with that.  I do wish that I had signed a six month lease... as it would be up next month... but I didn't.  I signed a year. 

I ran away from everything to get down here.  It has finally caught up with me, slowing my tread drastically.  As much as I'd want to drop everything and go back... I would feel like a failure.  In this situation I'm not sure it would be the right decision. 

I will take my time, arrange work and living arrangements, get back into the therapy I was in right before I left.  Tie up loose ends here and actually move this time, not run.  The hope and excitement of moving home mixed with going there to visit quite soon will hopefully keep me motivated enough to keep going. 

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If it helps, my depression forced me to run into a disasterous engagement, ending in me having to flee my shared apartment with a binbag of possessions, quit my job, move cross country, cut my hair and get glasses, and avoid the nutter ex fiance, with no bank account and no job to go to. It was only through family that I survived at all. Don't feel like a failure. Whatever you choose, you can do it. I have a lot of admiration that you aren't simply running. I am thinking of you and hoping that things improve.

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