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Help me with angry mania?


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I'm coming out of a depression that went on for the better part of a year. Honestly, I almost want to be depressed again. I had "become comfortably numb", so to speak. And I am shifting into probably one of the angriest manias I've ever experienced.

 

I am so, so very angry at myself. Not at anyone else, only at me. For as long as I can remember, I am the only person I've ever gotten really angry at. And mania is no exception. I feel that everyone else is better than me, because they are Real People and I am not. I'm not Real. I'm not as good as them. And the only way for me to be good enough in God's and everyone else's eyes is by being perfect--by never ever, ever making a single mistake. So every time I make a mistake, I get extremely angry at myself. Then I beat myself up--literally. I punch my own face until I can't feel it anymore. A lot of the anger seems to stem from stuff that happened when I was a little kid--maybe not trauma, exactly, but it was traumatic for me (I can elaborate later if it's relevent). Feeling this way is turning into kind of a snowball effect where I relive all the other reasons I've hated myself in the past and just have even more reasons to feel this hatred. But I deserve it. The hatred is deserved. I'm an evil person and all I do is cause problems in the world. I don't deserve to live.

 

Does this even sound like bipolar mania? Or just an evil selfish b*tch? It doesn't seem to fit with the classic description of mania. Does anyone else experience anything like this? And how do you deal with it?

 

I'm really afraid of meds, and I don't know if they can even help me. I'm open to the idea, but very afraid of potential side effects due to bad experiences in the past.

Edited by starship_subaru
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Hey. What you describe sounds like it sucks. No one is perfect. Try to not hold yourself to this standard.

 

Needing to be perfect and hating yourself aren't symptoms of mania but they could happen during mania. In themselves, they are issues that talk therapists can help whether your are bipolar or not.

 

Have you seen a psychiatrist? Are you formally diagnosed with bipolar or are you trying to figure yourself out? If you have bipolar, then medicine will help. It's just a matter of finding what works best for you. If you don't have bipolar, medicine may or may not help depending on the biology involved.

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I echo what AnneMarie said, being angry at yourself isn't necessarily a symptom of mania.  I think the best way to determine what is going on and get some help is to see a psychiatrist.  They will likely be able to tell you what this self-hatred means in light of the fact that you feel you are manic.

 

I'm sorry that you are experiencing this--it sounds awful.  Perhaps medication would help.  I also think you could really benefit from talking to a therapist who can help you work through some of this anger and trauma.

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Have you seen a psychiatrist? Are you formally diagnosed with bipolar or are you trying to figure yourself out? If you have bipolar, then medicine will help. It's just a matter of finding what works best for you. If you don't have bipolar, medicine may or may not help depending on the biology involved.

 

I was dx'd with bipolar about 2 years ago but I haven't seen a psychiatrist since last summer. I stopped going and stopped taking all my meds because of terrifying side effects. I still have a lot of doubts about both my dx's though. In some ways they seem to fit, but in other ways they do not.

 

I'm sorry that you are experiencing this--it sounds awful.  Perhaps medication would help.  I also think you could really benefit from talking to a therapist who can help you work through some of this anger and trauma.

 

I am seeing a tdoc, but it doesn't seem to be helping a lot. She is a really good tdoc and I love talking to her, but she says the things I believe about myself are mistaken beliefs and I need to start telling myself positive affirmations instead. I really don't think my beliefs are mistaken at all. I'm actually almost 100% sure that they are correct--I've never felt so sure of anything in my life. So the affirmations aren't helping, because I don't believe any of them.

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Starship_subaru, when I'm in a mixed mood I can get pretty agitated. I'm depressed and angry, I want to curl up in a ball and punch holes in the wall at the same time. Not everybody gets classic euphoric mania. I don't experience exactly what you seem to be experiencing, but it sounds hellish. You should definitely make an appointment with a psychiatrist ASAP, because whatever is going on, it doesn't sound healthy.

 

I know the side-effects can be terrifying. Sometimes we have to make tough decisions between horrible side-effects and intense psychological pain, and that really sucks. The unfortunate truth is that the pain may not go away without medication.

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It doesn't matter if you believe the affirmations right now. Do it anyway. It actually does make a difference, not a huge one, but a difference. Does your tdoc use Cognitive Behavioral Therapy? If you have that much anger directed at yourself, it might be really helpful.

 

At first I was furious that I had to take a CBT class, and thought everything about it was insulting and stupid, and only went to class because attendance was taken. But it worked anyway. I took the class 7 years ago, and actually am thinking of taking a refresher to brush up.

 

You sound very agitated. It is hard to guess what that means mood-wise. You need to see a pdoc. It sounds like when you are off medication, you also have a horrible side effect: You hate yourself. That is a pretty dangerous place to be.

 

You *really* need to go back to your pdoc. S/he will not be surprised *at all* that you quit the meds and stopped seeing her, it is *extremely, extremely* common.

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I went thru A LOT of medicine before I found what really worked without side effects. It is possible to find something good, and only after you've tried everything do you have to face a trade off question.

 

I like the way crtclms put it: Hating yourself is a side effect. Can't say for sure, but it sounds like your bp diagnosis may have been correct, especially if you haven't spent a life time so actively hating yourself.

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