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Did not know how to describe in the topic title in a way that doesn't sound like I'm hearing voices in my head, which I don't. I have depression, OCD, GAD, and one extremely mild form of Aspergers. None of which make me hear voices. Based on length, I know it should be in a blog post, but I use mine for a different purpose and I'd like some quicker-feed back.


So what I'm getting at is trying to stop a negative conversation from constantly spinning in my head. I had a meeting with the two teachers in charge of a class I am behind in to discuss how to get the work done upon registering with the department of disability services (by the way, they've renamed it department of accessibility. Very smart idea, but it will take a while to catch on). That part went fine actually. We met in the classroom a half hour before-hand since they were both adjuncts, one of whom was under the supervision for my current boss when they worked at the main city library. They both really like each other and ask about each other through me regularly. 


Then they told me to what amounts to in my mind to "shut up." This course is about graphic novels and how to use them mainly in library and educational settings. I study this subject as a hobby and I know I talk too much in class at times. The first request was in email form and I got the message loud and clear and knew I went too far that day for reasons not relating to that class. I seriously make an effort to dial back. I wait for for two people to talk before saying something. If no one answers a question, I won't say anything either sometimes. I have taken to pulling out my computer to distract myself by focusing on the articles discussed in the class without saying anything.


But that is still not enough. I still can't acknowledge they may be right. Yet hearing them dispute every active attempt I have made to lower class participation grade hurt. I think I sounded like a teacher as they told me that I don't see what they see from in front of the class. That this is something I will have to learn to do when I go into the work force. The memory of the phrase that sticks out in my mind the most is when the teacher informed me that from now on, when I started a tangent he was going to cut me off. He then tried to tell me not to feel bad but I started to tear up by then and excused myself to get something to drink since there was time before class started. 


So I sat in the back of the room and stared my computer and stayed mostly quiet. I waved my hand high whenever I had a comment. I requested permission to go on a tangent I thought it was relevant. I put my reading glasses on to hide when I was silently crying even though I sat behind two of my friends who might have cared. For the first time the girl who said nothing spoke constantly. The girl who knows as much about comics as I do dominated the conversation and seemed to cut people off for doing what I was told to stop doing. The thing that killed me was that it sounded I like no one seemed notice my lack of input and so the teacher probably thought their conversation with me worked. Also, I really didn't want to go to class before meeting with the teachers. There was a celebration of the 100th anniversary of my undergrad school newspaper at that time where I would have had a chance to meet the most powerful people in local media, and more importantly the teachers I cared about. If you've managed read up this point, you can imagine why that thought is so upsetting.


How I deal with this? How do get the sound of them telling me back down out of my head enough to concentrate on other things? Yes I have put a call into my therapist despite being impossibly sick of doing so. How do I complete their school work after from a perspective, being told to stop trying to earn my participation grade? I could have posted this in the Aspergers or the school forum, but the cutting words feed into my depression more than anything. I know in time, the sadness will fade in time, but how much? I see my boss on Friday and I know enough to play it cool if she asks about the instructor she knows and find inconspicuous ways to not be near her, but it won't be fun. 


I am feeling ten times better after getting off the Paxil fully a couple weeks ago and I am eager to get work done and happy in general. In the end I know this won't bog me down too much. It just feels awful that I am going have a hard time enjoying the course I was looking forward to the minute I knew it existed. 


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I'm sorry you felt so hurt by the teachers comments. 


I guess the aim of participation marks is so the class as a whole can have a discussion. It's great that you are really passionate about the topic and it sounds like you're quite good at it. Maybe the teacher was concerned that the other student's wont get a chance to earn their participation grades. Because the teachers have spoken to you about the issue they can't penalise you for doing what they asked. 


 Could you remind yourself that the teachers were doing their job and it really wasn't anything personal?  I hope you can speak to your tdoc about it.

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  • 2 weeks later...

I think you need to look at this from another angle.

The teachers said this because they want the other students to talk and have opinions. The students depend on you to answer the questions for them and just sit back and wait for your response. They are not actively engaging in the class. Obviously you know your stuff. The teachers know that. You could not speak up for the rest of the semester and there would be no doubt that your teacher would have complete faith in your ability/knowledge.

They are trying to force the rest of the class into being less lazy by taking you out of the equation. Take it as a compliment! How many people are in your class?? You were able to single handedly gain the faith of that many people that you would answer for them.

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