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hospitalized for suicide attempt- how the hell do you pick back up?


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assailya -

 

Firstly, as someone who has battled depression for about 40 years, I can tell you that there *is* hope.  Sometimes the hope comes in waves, sometimes by the hour, or unexpectedly at the end of the day.  Sometimes you find it after a month under your personal raincloud, or perhaps it will only seem to surface between major bouts of darkness.  Sometimes hope may in fact be the only thing you have left.  It's always there for the finding, but you have to seek it sometimes.  You know it's there because the only constant in the Universe is change (everything always changes) so whatever ill wind is blowing you around must change direction eventually.  Where there is life, there is hope.

 

Secondly, I apologize on behalf of the Crazyboards community that the first response to this thread was Bluechick's inane, insensitive, self-aggrandizing and - for every practical or impractical purpose - useless waste of a post.  It does not represent the philosophy, ethos or common practice of our forums in the way we approach the issue of suicide or the seriousness with which we listen to the experiences of our members.  We hope you will find other members' posts more helpful and that you will feel encouraged to continue to participate in our community here as long as it is a benefit to you.

 

 

Cerberus

Moderator

 

(By the way, I love your avatar - we all deserve to wear a crown for functioning as well as we do, every day.)

Edited by Cerberus
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Tuesday I learned that I won't graduate on time, and I've wasted a lot of time doing things I didn't have to do. I don't know why, but this just set me off. Immediate crying, feelings of failure and hopelessness, and I marched right into my apartment and tried to take every pill in that motherfucker.

 

My boyfriend, believing he was doing the right thing, wrestled me and called the cops, who then took me to the hospital. I didn't take enough to do anything at all, but I was still stuck in the emergency room on suicide watch- security guards constantly staring at me, following me to the bathroom, people kept asking me "but why? why did you try this? why?" I honestly felt like a goddamn prisoner in there. I was stuck there for five hours with a dead phone and my boyfriend getting increasingly upset at their process. I'm sure this has happened to many of you, but now I am absolutely positive that a hospital is NO PLACE for a suicidal person. They were all so condescending and rude and treated me like an idiot and a criminal. It seems to me that if you really care about keeping suicidal people alive, you wouldn't place them in a shitty gown on full display of the hospital with no entertainment or communication. It seems like you would help surround them with people who love them and give them something to eat for goddsakes. 

 

ANYWAY. I don't know. Now its Thursday. I had a paper due today that I didn't finish. I planned on going to school today but I didn't. Now I'm sitting on the couch in my robe. The only reason I moved out of bed is because my boyfriend dragged me out here. I have so many decisions to make and so much anxiety and no idea what to do about anything. How the hell do you pick back up after this? Is there hope after depression? Cause I'm so fucking tired of feeling this way. 

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Few things to address here: based upon what I perceive as your attitude in your post, I don't think you were suicidal.  I think you were trying to get attention.  Try not to do that again.  You clearly need treatment.  Are you scheduled to go see a pdoc and a tdoc?  Did they medicate you at all?

 

As for the hospital -- that's just the way it is.  Deal with it.  It's not their job to entertain you.  It's their job to keep you alive.  And since they work on a triage system, once they have you stable they are going to move on to other people who need their lives saved before they tend to your entertainment needs or your ego.  Once you're stable they're going to make sure you stay stable and out of the way. 

 

Maybe you should be grateful that they saved your life (if indeed it was ever in danger).  Go get help.

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Bluechick, your comments are completely fucking inappropriate.

 

First of all, do not EVER tell anyone that their suicide attempt was not real.  If someone is to the point where they try to take their life, their pain is REAL.  It's not something anyone does for fun.

 

Since you are not a professional, you have absolutely no grounds to state whether or not anyone "actually" is suicidal, unless you went and got an MD, went to the OP's house, and assessed them in person while I wasn't looking.  If you in fact did that, please disregard the above comments.  But I very much doubt it.

 

Furthermore, I very much do not like the pejorative meaning that you have attached to the concept of "seeking attention".  People in pain need attention.  Would you expect someone with a broken bone to sit on their living room floor all alone?  No, because injuries need attention.  Emotional injuries also need attention.  Suicidal people are perfectly entitled to go to the ER and ask for help, and deserve just as much respect and compassion as anyone else.

 

You need to readjust your attitude.

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Bluechick:

 

Yeah, I didn't post this so that you could determine whether not I was trying to get attention, and you have absolutely no idea what was going through my head at the time, nor do you have any clue how I felt and what I wanted. There are way easier and much less fatal ways to get attention than attempting suicide, and I'm not an idiot.

 

For your information, I see both a counselor and a psychiatrist, am taking medication, and I am doing CBT exercises and other things on my own because I WANT to be beat this thing. 

 

I am allowed to be upset and rant about the hospital process, and I am absolutely allowed to think that it isn't the best way to handle suicidal people. (My boyfriend is a psychologist and he feels the same way.) 

 

And considering that I wanted to die and still do, I'm not very fucking grateful that they "saved my life", especially since they treated me like a criminal while they did it. 

 

Thank you for being completely condescending and absolutely unhelpful. Next time you feel this way, keep it to yourself.

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Assailya, not graduating on time can feel like a big blow - I am a student too and I had to take some time off school due to my illness.  I am really glad that you are alive and with us and I am sorry the hospital was not a good experience.

 

It's true that the hospital is more designed to patch you up and send you home, but they are certainly supposed to treat you with dignity and compassion and respect.  

 

I see from your other post that you are trying therapy and medication, and that's a great step.  Unfortunately it takes time for those things to work.  Have you spoken to your doctor or therapist since the attempt?  That might be a good idea.

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About school - are you in touch with your school's disability office at all?  I have needed extensions and deferrals and other kinds of accommodations at various points, and getting in touch with them can smooth the way to getting those things.  If you currently have a paper that you cannot work on, it's worth looking into an extension.  If you have a disability (which depression is), they basically have to give it to you.

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OP, I know how you feel. I was supposed to graduate from college in 2011, and I was failing a class. Because I'm a student with disabilities, it was considered "Incomplete" and I was allowed to take the final lab exam again.

 

I failed it miserably. Nothing worked. Nothing was set up correctly (it was a networking lab exam) and it was a different teacher there, that I hated.

I lost my shit when I realized nothing was going to work and that I was going to fail. I was screaming and throwing pens (that's all that wasn't bolted to desks, heh) and security was called (thank fuck it was after hours, during the summer) and my tdoc was called, and he called 911.. I didn't get admitted, I calmed down, but I was a WRECK for ages afterwards. It made me so angry I was losing control. I didn't attempt suicide, but I threatened it, and I felt like the biggest failure on the planet.

 

I see where you're coming from. I don't think you made the attempt out of "attention seeking" (and I'm just ignoring bluechick's reply here so I don't get pissed), it seems more spur of the moment, which is how a lot of attempts, successful or not, are. But I'm not here to judge on why you attempted suicide, I just wanted to let you know that you aren't the only one that's happening to, you aren't the first, you won't be the last, it fucking SUCKS and I really wish I knew what to say to make you feel better. So I'll just share my story.

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Assailya....

 

Sometimes I get compulsively suicidal.  I don't want to die, but I have very strong urges to kill or hurt myself, often by taking all my pills. 

 

I went to the hospital once.  My experience was probably similar to yours.  At first, I was held in the ER and had a security guard outside the room - but I understand that, I do.  But the ward was awful, it was dehumanizing.  I wasn't allowed to wear clothes, I was told I had to 'earn' them.  I was terrified most of the time I was there, so I lied about how well I was doing to get out.  The psychiatrist I saw was nice, but the GP was horrible. 

 

Anyways, I just wanted to say I'm sorry your experience was bad too.  I get that hospitals have things they need to do, but I'm not sure I would ever seek help that way again or not.  I don't know what to do next time. 

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Assailya, I'm really sorry you had such as bad experience at the hospital, and did not feel as though you were treated with respect. I've had two experiences in the ER for suicidality. The first was similar to how you describe --condescending and rude medical staff. The second time people were much kinder and more sympathetic, so it's not a given that the staff will be assholes. Regarding the paper - tryp's right -- it's worth looking into an extension, whether or not you're registered with disability services. Lots of time professors will help you out if you communicate with them. I know everything feels really overwhelming now, but you can come out the other side of this. Be gentle with yourself.

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Every time I've been to the hospital for suicidality I feel like a prisoner and like going to the hospital was a mistake. I usually see it more clearly later, but I was flat-out hysterical both times and found the whole experience to be really unpleasant until I could get to the ward and calm the fuck down.

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Hey ive been through this. Both the college thing and dealing with an emergency room after suicide attempt. My main thing was that they gave me the charcoal and then wouldnt let me use the restroom without a MÂLE nurse watching me. And your right about the way you get talked to. I understand doctors having to ask the standard questions but i didnt need an EMT lecturing me on making healthier choices. EMTs arent trained therapists.

If really unfortuante but both my experiances and some things ive hear makes me realize that theres a big stigma and lack of understanding for our issues even within the medical community.

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I hope you can tell from the previous posts that you are not alone and are certainly not a failure. 

 

I can relate to your described experience in the ER.  I took an overdose during a terrible depressive episode last year, and all of my academic coursework was disrupted.  It was really jarring to go from the hospital back into real life without any kind of transition or aftercare. 

 

I'm sorry that you've had a rough go of things lately and that the depression is hitting you so hard.  There *is* hope after depression.  There really, truly is.  I hope you can connect with your treatment providers, get the support that you need, and formulate a plan to keep moving forward.

 

Thinking good thoughts for you.

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Hi. I'm sorry you had a bad experience. At age 15 I got upset and compulsively took a bottle of Ibuprofen. I wanted to die but got sent to the hospital instead. I certainly was NOT trying to seek attention. I was made to feel like I was, though, at the hospital.

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School life can certainly be extremely stressful, and add MI to that and it can be more than enough to bear. I agree that the first person who replied was completely out of line and inappropriate in their response; hopelessness and suicide attempts aren't things that people do just to do them... There are real feelings that require attention and treatment, and if you're on a MI site you'd think people would know. Guess not. 

There is hope after the deepest depths of depression, though; it can be extremely hard--even impossible--to see while you're stuck there, but through the right treatments and supports you can get there. 

I wish you the best, and this place is generally really great and really has helped me and a lot of people.

Edited by brokenchina
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Every time I've been to the hospital for suicidality I feel like a prisoner and like going to the hospital was a mistake. I usually see it more clearly later, but I was flat-out hysterical both times and found the whole experience to be really unpleasant until I could get to the ward and calm the fuck down.

Except for the fact that I've only been through this once, this is exactly the same way it played out for me.  Assailya, you're not alone in your feelings about this kind of experience.  And you're not alone in the struggle to work through how to put life back together.  I hope you're getting a bit of peace and quiet at home to relieve some of the stress on your own terms.

 

As a teacher, I agree with the earlier suggestion to be in contact with your instructors as soon as possible.  They can't help you if they don't know you need help.  There are plenty of ways to accommodate difficult situations if they are known in advance of deadlines and preferably as soon as there is any hint of a concern becoming an ongoing issue.  But there are also certain kinds of things that can't be excused retroactively (especially if students mysteriously vanish AWOL).  Hopefully you have compassionate individuals who accept that life just happens and will give you a fair chance (appropriate to the situation) to move forward from where you happen to be now.  

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First of all congrats for being in college in the first place, I never made it! I'll be education-less forever. So you are on the right track, if even it takes a little extra time.. be proud of yourself!

 

Once during a mixed-state episode I was taken to the ER by the cops after freaking out and calling my mom who called my GP, who called the police and sent them to get me at workplace (boy was that embarassing, being escorted out of the building by the cops, there's just some things co-workers will never forget). I was taken right from the ambulance (after being completely strapped down to the gurney like I'd been physically injured) and put in my own little private room. I barely saw anyone. I was evaluated briefly by some sort of psych worker, and someone stood watch outside the room while I was there. I was in there for a total of 8 hours before they released me at like, midnight, stating I didn't appear to be a danger to myself or others (likely due to the klonopin I'd taken right before the police had come).

 

I was slightly out of my mind so I barely remember my experience there, and it seems likely that I fell asleep. I think the staff were in general pretty decent. I am sorry your experience was terrible, and I agree that someone who is suicidal, or even just freaking out like me should be treated gently, not harshly, while getting help in a medical setting. 

 

To me though, even being seen for physical maladies in the ER, it seems like they are all in the biggest hurry and don't give a shit about you, just the next person coming in through the doors. I went to the ER for extreme pain in my upper digestive area, and the staff was gruff and abrupt with me. To add insult to injury they never figured out exactly what was wrong, but told me "it must be an ulcer" so they gave me meds for ulcers, and it ended up totally not being an ulcer, and I had to go back into the ER exactly a month later. The 2nd time I think the staff was a lot nicer, seeing that I'd already been in a month earlier for the same symptoms. 

 

So its a toss up what kind of treatment you'll receive, I think. I also think it depends on what hospital you go to. For the psychotic-freakout I went to a nice hospital in the 'suburbs' and for the stomach pain (turned out to be gallstones stuck in my biliary tube) I went to the sleazy 'dirty' inner-city hospital where all the bums were sitting outside the ER drinking beer in paper bags... 

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Hi assailya,

 

I've been in a very similar situation.

 

I found out I was failing three out of my four college classes, went home and got drunk and then took a lot of pills. My roomates called the police and an ambulance, and hello hospital.

 

It took me three hours to even see a doctor, during which I'd thrown up at least four times. I only spent about ten minutes with the doctor, and then I was taken to a room next to the nurses station. They all seemed tired and grumpy, and not caring. 

 

The only thing about the whole experience I couldn't fault was the psychiatrist I saw the next morning - she was understanding and didn't seem to mind spending almost two hours talking to me. 

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