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Did my sister trigger my problems?


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Envy is about the self. I doubt if your sister caused it but she may have been a focus for it.
That's what I meant.  But how do I deal with it?

Basicly it is a self esteem issue.
I know; I'm just trying to figure out what triggers it.  I can't remove myself from the situation, but I need to learn how to handle it.

I think academic casting is like coaching. You may think you would do a better job but you have to take what the coach hands out.
Yeah, I just take this one really personally because I love the opera so much.  And since it's one of those "the same four people get all the roles" schools, it's disconcerting to know that I'm definitely not one of those four people.  I know that's how things work in the real world, but this isn't the real world.  It's an educational institution.  Your simile made me laugh, though.  We singers call our accompanists "coaches" because, in addition to playing the piano, they also coach us on diction and phrasing and stuff.

Could I be more of a music dork?  Somehow I doubt it.

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Now, I'm no tdoc. (end disclaimer LOL) but it really sounds like you feel badly about yourself, and what "triggers" it is being forced to work with someone who has what you think you don't.

I think that's pretty normal. It's not healthy, no, but it's normal. I think the best thing you can do for yourself is learn to appreciate yourself as you are and stop comparing yourself to other people. I don't mean this in a mean or offensive way, just that as long as you keep comparing, you will always be miserable. There will ALWAYS be a chick with a smaller waist and bigger boobs and more boyfriends. That does NOT make you inferior in any way to them or anyone else. Chances are, if you are feeling badly about yourself, you are unconsciously broadcasting the "I'm not worthy!" signal to the people around you, of both sexes. It is cheesy and I hate to even say it, buuuut confidence is what is sexy and attractive about those socially outgoing people like your sister and this girl. There are men who love all sorts of bodies and personalities, but if you're down on yourself, it will show.

Your tdoc should be helping you to reshape the way you think about yourself. Because I would bet good money that you think horrible things about yourself, things you would NEVER say to anyone you considered a friend.

Don't feel frustrated, don't feel distressed. The fact that you have recognized you have these feelings is very important. Now what you do with this knowledge is up to you. You can use it to help yourself be a healthier person, or you can beat yourself up over it, as if you need any more of THAT.


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Roll with the flow, if you know what I mean.

I have been a musician for almost 35 years and I know the feelings that you mention. Maybe it is frustration in that you can't do what you desire because circumstances dictate otherwise? The creative personality is very possessive if left unchecked. Being mentally interesting doesn't help much, in fact it often makes things worse especially if you have an obsessive personality.

I'm a little schizoaffective so I always see these sort of things as signs for change. If I were in your shoes I would break it off with the opera scene and go back to playing music. You know, a change of scene. But that's just me. I can't tell you what to do. I don't know your path.

Stick with it though (music) in some form or fashion. You'll get your breaks but it probably won't turn out the way you envisioned. That's what makes life interesting.

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Faith~ Thanks for helping me put things in perspective.

SZS~ (Hey, that was kinda fun to type!)  Quitting violin was like having my left arm amputated.  Quitting opera would be like having my soul amputated.  So, not an option.  I'm MDD + GAD.  I don't like change so much.  What's your instrument?  What kind of music do you play?

Mind~ The boob thing is kind-of a bummer, but it doesn't bother me half as much as the music thing.  Like, my sister is the best harpist at her school, which is a high-profile conservatory.  Since she's so good *and* plays an unusual instrument, she's pretty much guaranteed a career.  Sopranos are a dime a dozen.  It just makes things a lot harder.

The girl at my school was cast as Fiordiligi in the spring opera, Cos

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i wish i would say something deep and meaningful like u do in response to my posts but the best i can come up with is this....

As someone who also has attended university/college i know that as students we hold our teachers and superiors to high standards and really judge ourself (sometimes to harshly) on their advice and opinions. Just because in your eyes these people are superior to you does not mean that everyone else is on the same train of thought as u. Remeber that a wide variety of people like lots of different music and voices so really its hard to say one person is better then another, IMO.

Yes there is no denying they may have bigger breasts, boyfriends and achieved the goals u have in quicker time then u would like but remember that does not take away from who you are! You bring something to music and life as well. It is so easy to be jealous, hell i always am, but at the same time it is so easy to forget just how imprtoant we are and what an achievement we have made to get as far as we did.

Maybe if u were not around your sister would never of pursued music to the extent which she did. Who knows! You are an important piece of this puzzle called life and dont let self doubt and pity stand in your way of achieving your goals.

it took me nearly twice as long as everyone else doing my degree to complete it. my best friend at uni was a model who got top marks. I HATED IT. But it lead to a career i loved and found fullfilling and just as teaching is for me im sure music is for u.

keep going im sure u do not realise how clever you are, what you bring to music and remember with any artform what one thinks is gold the other thinks is coal, who knows we might all hate the skinny girl with the opera voice and big tits!

good luck to u

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There will ALWAYS be a chick with a smaller waist and bigger boobs and more boyfriends.


With one exception.

There are men who love all sorts of bodies and personalities


I can attest to that.  Looks are what people notice first.  Personality is what keeps them looking.

As far as your other problems, they seem to all come back to self-image.  I can relate.  Much of our society is based on setting standards for what is good and what is not and making people feel bad if they don't meet those standards.  Only thing I can say is, you are who you are.  That is all you can be.  As long as you continue to be the wonderful person you are, you have achieved as much as any person can hope to.

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Yeah, my self-esteem pretty much sucks at the moment.  Not so much looks-wise.  I have some cute clothes, I'm actually losing weight, and I can do makeup really well when I put in the time.

It's the self-esteem of my voice that's bothering me now.  All singers are like this, by the way.  We've all got complexes about our breath control, vowel placement, vibrato, what repertoire we should be singing, etc.  And we compare the size of our own voices with those of other singers.  Kind of like penis envy, I think.

So: What line of thinking will help me stop comparing myself to other people?  A couple of friend have suggested that I think of the things I do better than that one girl at my school.  I don't think that's the best idea, since I'd still be comparing myself to her.

I've asked my tdoc about this, but she hasn't been too helpful.


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This may be completely off base.

Rather than dwelling on the envy and the competitive aspects of this situation, approach it as a sociological problem.

What got this other soprano in the oh-so-special group of four? Was it the D-cups? The voice? Is her family a big donor to the school? Is she fucking someone who can make things go her way? Is she more social and congenial? Was she there before you and has become the prima dona?

This kind of approach could help you distance yourself from the situation, make it a little less emotionally friable. And you could learn something. Really. I had to watch and copy socially adept people to learn how to socialize in groups, I could never have learned it on my own.

And the nice thing about B-cup breasts....the nipples don't collect belly button lint when you grow old. Nyeh, nyeh, nyeh.


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Good suggestions Greeny.

If you cannot seem to shake the problem you might even think about a few sessions with a competition therapist. Many athletes and performance people use them to get their brains in the right space to do their best. After all if you focus on your own assets and know you are on top of your own game you may not feel as insecure or jealous.

You want to have the best voice that can possibly come out of your own lungs.

Besides that anyone can buy boobs. The question is do you think you will perform  better or get more chances to sing with them?

Would they find you a better caliber of boyfriend?

Or would they give you something to rely on besides your talent?

Hey Im all for augmentation if it will give you some personal satisfaction and pleasure.

Just more options.


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The creative personality is very possessive if left unchecked - sun_zoom_spark

Yah - it be so. And Soprano, you are so right about the singer thing. Sigh. Dammit.

I got accepted to Berklee - probably right across the street from you now, if I had to guess - back in the 1980's - like probably about when you were getting born or perhaps toddling about.

I chickened out - partly because of the 14,000/year tuition with room/board, partly because I kept meeting dishwashers and truckdrivers who had paid said tuition for four years for the privelege of landing said jobs, but mostly because - get this - a required class at the time, for us singers, was, basically, how to dress, wear your hair and be all star like. Gag.

But really, I was just sure I couldn't fit in - like I would never have the right look (Aimee Mann, a Berklee Graduate, was huge with her flock of seagulls coiff and kinda sqeaky voice at the time), or be enough of whatever it was. I just wanted to sing, make arrangements, write songs - and be done with it. I didn't really have the incredible ambition to overcome whatever it was I lacked. Superstardom was, and has remained, a wistful, ephemeral afterthought. Now, I'mm really too old. I get paid and alll, for chanteuse and jazz stuff, but it is not and will never be my primary living.

Sad truth is - be it opera or jazz or pop - there is a certain reality at work since the inception of MTV. Sadly, video-friendly marketability will give you a boost when you don't deserve it (like when the c-cup chick gets the role that it tailor-made for you), and a lack thereof will certainly get in your way unless your ambition and aggression are extraordinary.

All that said - doesn't matter about your sister or the c-cup chick with her c-cup shtick. Really only matters that you cultivate the agressive part (in a friendly yet hyper-savvy way) of your personality, what with you may overcome your respectable b-cup status. In other words, grow a double-d personlaity, and I'l bet c-cup chick is no longer the darlin' she once was - assuming you have the street cred in your department to get you going. Wish I had done the same.

This particular issue isn't about being mentally interesting or dysfunctional families, it's about naked ambition. I've made the "mistake (other good things have happened, so maybe not)" of playing it all nice and fair and safe - and the end result did not include a high level professional musical enterprise. The assholes I know have made it further, despite not necessarily having better chops.

Again - very sad, but very true (take it from me - I've been, albeit buried in the mix, on the radio in the last five years with a national iconic metal band and a grammy-nominated producer - all assholes. So I've earned the right to say these things).


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  • 2 weeks later...
Guest Croix - dammit, forgot again

Nice to finally meet you CS. I know very well the problems of which you speak. I did voice lessons for 11yrs. (first soprano) and various musical theatres, choirs, plays, etc. I know all about fighting for roles and teachers favorites.

First, it has nothing to do with this girls looks. It's all about how you play the game. And yes, it would be much better to not have to play, but we all know the best voices don't always get the best roles. You must pull yourself up outta those self-esteem issues and get in there. You ARE good enough, and dammit you deserve those roles. So, how do you get them? Well, you've got the hard work and dedication down. Sounds to me you need to work on your networking. Get in there and be friendly (interested) in the teacher's, piano players, etc., lives. I'm not suggesting ass kissing, but a real interest. Make yourself known personally to them. Ask for advice, suggestions. People love to think they have all the answers, and they love talking about themselves. If you are the one to get them talking, they'll remember you. And keep you in mind for future roles.

Next, ask if there's a class or something you can take over the summer. Or, find out if/where the teacher is doing work on their own and become involved. Like, if your teacher does community theater on the side, go see a show and talk to the teacher afterwards. Stuff like that. The more you are a presence with a friendly attitude, the more you'll be remembered. And that can mean more roles.

Don't worry about this girl and what she's getting. Worry about yourself and what steps you can take to get what you want.

On a completely different note, I can't wait for american idol to start next month. It'll be fun for you to join in on our critiques. It's always fun to have someone else who knows what they're talking about join in in bashing some of these horrible voices,lol. (Vibrato queens suck ass!)

Again, nice to meet you.


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Hi Croix!  I just posted a reply to your family issues thread.

Sadly, I don't have a TV, or any time to watch it, so I won't be able to join the American Idol critiques.

So here's an update:

C-cup girl was cast in the fall opera in a role I've played before and absolutely love.  She was also cast in the spring opera, again in a leading role.  In the spring, they're doing a mainstage opera, a musical revue, and an outreach opera (I think it'll go around to schools or something).  I wasn't cast in anything.  I'm not a huge fan of the opera department at this juncture.

However, a week or two after the auditions, I started making incredible progress with my singing.  I've found a whole new space and way of singing, and IMHO, I sound pretty fucking awesome.  Not finished by any means, but lots better than I was in August.  I feel like I'm finally starting to find my real voice.  I think I might actually be able to do this opera-singer thing.  I still have a lot of work to do.  I have to make these technique changes more consistant.  I have to do a lot of work as far as performance goes.  It's hard to be a good actress when you're constantly thinking about technique.  If I get the technical changes more consistant, though, I'll be able to forget about the sound and focus on the performance.  If I'd sung at the audition the way I'm singing now, things might have turned out differently.

This has nothing to do with my sister, but I'm really happy about it, so I thought I'd brag a little.  Thanks for listening!


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