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I want someone to care, but then I don't


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I'm super depressed and suicidal and disordered in my eating (it's hard for me to tell if I have an ED because of the denial and minimizing factor that goes into an ED, I can't tell if I'm just not eating "normal" but it's still fine or if I'm in ED land). Deep down I just want someone to care. But I don't know what "care" looks like. I've never had good secure attachments to others (I was adopted and my home life was neglectful at best with a lot of emotional and a few occasions physically abuse; i was sexually abused by a clergy member, bullied constantly, etc). I'm afraid to really trust others because historically those people leave me. I want people to care because I'm afraid that caring will lead to them 1)leaving me 2)possible putting me in the hosp (b/c of SI) 3) tell me I have to eat more/differently etc and take my ED from me or tell me I have to stop cutting. I don't want to give these things up because they help, they're me and if society doesn't like it that can fuck off.

But I want people to l'm in so much pain, I'm so lonely, so sad, barely making it. And even though I don't think life can get better I don't want to be a lone. I only go see my tdoc because I don't want to be alone and she's the only one I tell most things to (except now I won't really tell her how I feel like I might kill myself at any moment....or if I do I tell her "i'll go to the er if I need to" which is huge lie). But I feel like she dosen't really care. 

 

Does this make sense? Anyone else feel like this? Wanting people to care, but then getting angry when they do, or terrified when that do?

 

I've never been diagnosed with any PD, but when I feel like this I wonder....

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Hello and Welcome to CB!

 

I imagine it is very difficult coming from your background to accept help, but want it all the same.  I think a first step is to be honest with your tdoc about how you actually feel.  She is there to help you.  

 

I noticed in your sig that you refuse all other meds.  You should know that we are a pro-medication, pro-treatment site (please read the User Agreement).  I think its essential that you have a pdoc.  I realize that you may not want that kind of help,  but we believe it is a necessary component in recovery.

 

I am sorry that you are in so much pain.  I hope that this site gives you some answers and support.

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It is natural and part of being a human to want to be cared for. There is nothing wrong with that, you deserved to be cared for and to have had stable care givers. It is tragic that you had the early life that you did. I have loved ones who were adopted and I can see how destabilizing that can be, I am an abuse survivor, it does change my ability to trust other people. It is understandable that, in the absence of people to love you, you coped with difficult feelings through ED and developed problems. I think given what you have told us, you were very brave to make this far.

 

On the positive, you have been able to find and build some trust with your tdoc, not only can you do it, but someone had been there for you. Stepping beyond that and trusting other pfofessionals is difficult, hopefully they can see that they will need to put you at ease rather than insist you make big changes.The choice to seek help will always be yours, no one can say with certainty what getting help would feel like. But if you don't, that is a surefire to ensure that you continue to be lonely, your problems continue and you may become more isolated. If you are feeling the need to reach out, there must be part of you that can see a need to change.

 

I learned to live without a lot of love, or pretend that I didn't need it. I rejected it or I found people who would hurt me because I felt like I could handle that better. I was very unhappy, it made my illness worse and I put myself in danger. With good therapy, I could get out of crisis, build some suppport networks with good people and mpve beyond that. I now have a repaired relationship with my mum, friends, a boyfriend, I have people I get on with at work. It feels lovely when my boyfriend hugs me and listens to me when I cry, or a friend sends a card when I am down. It was worth putting myself out there.

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Thanks Phoenix,

 

I just wanted to address one thing: I have read the user agreement, and agree with it. I'm very pro-treatment and pro-meds when they are needed and prescribed! I think they are vital for recovery from a wide range of illnesses (mental and otherwise). I have just had very very bad experiences with the meds typically prescribed for depression, and do not wish to try any others any more, and my tdoc and the MD I have seen respect that choice I have made for myself, and it is a valid choice for me to chose to not take meds (unless of course it has been court, or otherwise  mandated). I know a lot of people may insist I try more/different meds, but that's between me and me docs and thus far they respect my autonomy to make choices such as to not take meds other than a PRN, which I use rarely. No doc I have seen has even kind of pressed me on meds and they do not see it as essential for me, but that is obviously a personalized treatment plan for me, not others. But let me reiterate again, I am in general, pro-med, pro-treatment, pro-recovery.  I would never recommend any one not take their meds or suggest they should not be on meds or do anything against their treatment teams advice. I believe treatment should be personalized between the patient and doctors and that each will look different for each person from what style of therapy, to level of care, to what meds they take. I'll remove it from my signature as I don't want people to get the wrong idea about me and meds. I think they are extremely helpful and can be a fabulous addition therapy. 

 

Titania, thanks for your kind words :)

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I have just had very very bad experiences with the meds typically prescribed for depression, and do not wish to try any others any more, and my tdoc and the MD I have seen respect that choice I have made for myself, and it is a valid choice for me to chose to not take meds (unless of course it has been court, or otherwise  mandated). I know a lot of people may insist I try more/different meds, but that's between me and me docs and thus far they respect my autonomy to make choices such as to not take meds other than a PRN, which I use rarely.

 

What happened when you took antidepressants, if you don't mind me asking? I had a bad reaction to antidepressants when I was younger, but I've recently been diagnosed with bipolar II and bipolar patients are not supposed to take SSRIs. It sounds like you've been in therapy for a long time, though, so it's unlikely they wouldn't have noticed (hypo)manic behaviors by now. On the bright side, there are a lot of potential side-effects to these antidepressants and really often times it's really just the placebo effect at work. So long as you feel you're getting an effective treatment and things are going to get better, they likely will.

 

I'm sorry you had a rough childhood. Hopefully you can find someone in your life who's patient and caring. It has to be difficult to trust anyone even if you rationally understand there are kind and trustworthy people in the world given your background.

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Geo-

 

I have really only tried SSRIs and I get serotonine syndrom & akathisia at almost every dose and I've tried 7 or so different SSRI's (and i've never had any manic or hypo manic episodes, so for sure no bi-polar) a few years ago I tried Tri-cyclics and even an MAOI s, but those are rarely used for a reason, the side-effects sucked and they barely touched my depression so even my pdoc back then didn't think they were worth it. There's some meds I can't take that people are often given that I can't take due to the ED. I guess I could try an NRI, but I've kind of given up hope on meds and it's generally frowned upon in Buddhist circles, so the fact that I consider it is kind of "gasp". 

 

Thanks so much :)

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  • 3 weeks later...

Sorry I'm late.. But better late than never right? I'm still new to CB but it seems like you can always come here to talk and people on here are understanding. I'm depressed too and I know the pain feel basically unbearable. I understand that.. I know how it feels to not want anyone in your life but still want someone* to help at the same time. It's not easy but you have to try. There really are genuine caring people out there. They can't help you if you won't let them. Give certain people a chance at least

What are your coping mechanisms? Find things that make you feel at peace or keep your mind busy.

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