Hi, I am kitties. I am a newbie here, but not to illness. I have chronic pain 24/7 in my back and neck.
Mentally....here are my diagnoses (got a second and third opinion....all objective and a consensus of the exact same diagnoses.)
Bipolar 1 with psychosis, extreme, treatment resistant, rapid cycling. Mixed features predominant. Never had a remission to date...just a couple of weeks with my bipolar disorder. “Normal” for a few weeks a couple of times per year. No anxiety remission.
OCD, GAD, Panic Disorder, Social Anxiety disorder, PTSD...I think that is everything. Oh, I am significantly affected by a very strong dose of agoraphobia stemming from my PTSD and Panic Disorder.
I have a great psychiatrist and I e been in treatment with him a since 2006. I had a great therapist that had a co-transference issue and I ultimately ended my therapy with him. I have tried four therapists since firing the aforementioned therapist - but I unfortunately have lost faith in the process.
I am a night owl by nature and it has really ramped up since being declared disabled in 2009/SSDI/cannot work. I struggle with having a “routine,” although I have read that one with bipolar disorder tends to be more stable with a routine. I’m easily overstimulated so I like the quiet and darkness..
I know I have an eating disorder (anorexia, restricting type), but I politely yet firmly said I have had “eating issues” but I have no desire to “go there.” My psychiatrist respects that although I am subject to a monthly weigh-in and I self-manage it.
I am currently relapsing right now, unfortunately. But, I have had it for so many years that I know at what weight my body and mind take a turn for the worst. And I have to rein it back in and stop losing (meaning eat more). I’ll never seek treatment as the recovery model, IMO, is ridiculous. Kudos to those that have been able to “recover.”
I take a bunch of meds, mainly psych meds
I like to read, Enjoy spending time with my boyfriend. Internet. I like learning things, I am currently and reading up on world history (pre-USA). I keep up with psychology and sociology.
Thanks for reading if you made it this far.
So I've been clean for almost three months now.
Today my mom and I got into a huge argument. She mentioned something along the lines of, "you're gonna be pissed off so you're gonna go cut yourself huh?" It really upset me for some reason. The way she said it was so cold, like it was an insult. I thought she really cared though. Then she said something similar to, "you're gonna cut your arm." When I went back into my room, I couldn't help but cry. When she brought the topic of self harming up, it was the first time I even thought about it in months. It was a sick reminder. I don't know, I'm not really looking for advice or anything. I just wanted to get that off my chest.
I'm so fucking tired of this damn war on drugs. The persecution of doctors and even pharmacists (YES - PHARMACISTS are losing their licences in FL for filling "too many" 100% legit scripts - not forgeries, but by doctors with active DEA credentials appropriately medicating -- not some crazy ass amount of oxycodone or worse). It leaves people like me, in chronic hard-core pain (that's only gotten worse) crying in bed from the pain. Doctors are too afraid to treat their patients.
Meanwhile.. it's all about the poor, innocent, helpless victims of a world where pain meds exist and they've gone out of their way to get shit illegally - over -and over - and over again in order to feed a habit rather than face up to their internal demons. And it's a DISEASE. REALLY? REALLY? FUCK THAT SHIT! It's a CHOICE. Mental issues and a physical predisposition exists, but taking one damn 5mg hydrocodone does not make someone an addict for life and take free will out of one's control.
People are dying from Fentanyl made to look like other shit. Well, it is an illegal drug market about money and regular deaths when dealers get pissed off. What the hell do you really expect. Yet they're the "Victims". No. Victims don't make consistent choices over the course of months or even years to do something they're fully aware of the consequences of and decide they don't care and would rather be high and risk it. And still continue to risk it, knowing it's on the market. What do they do - buy test strips. It's like personal responsibility no longer exists. Probably because politicians sons and daughters are getting addicted. It couldn't possibly be the environment they were raised in, or that they have personal issues -- nope, it's gotta be caused by some evil in the shadows that came after their poor, innocent children and hurt them.
You don't become an addict overnight and you don't get over it overnight. It's a long slow process made up of many choices. People aren't so idiotic that they don't know what that choice they're making is. Noo.. addiction is all about the drugs being there; whereas, mental illness is a conscious personal failing you should just be able to magically get over & not doing so is a choice.
I just saw a neurologist. He said I'd just have to live with the pain cause I've been on all the psych meds.. and throwing opiates at it isn't a reasonable thing. ...... Yet, after all the psych meds that were never developed to handle fibromyalgia.. the OFFICIAL medication treatment guideline says : OPIATES. And the really sad thing is - it works for mine.
Honestly, .. I've thought about going and buying the fake shit that's actually fentanyl, dissolving it in two quarts (or even gallons) of liquid, and dosing it in tsp. Actually seems pretty damn cost effective considering the price of medications. I'm not going to do it. There's probably other shit in there that'll mess with my MI chemistry/meds too. But I considered it.
This system is fucked.