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Opinion on my relationship.. I jumped on the hood of a car


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I have no one to talk to about this because I don't want to be judged. No one will understand. This is going to be a really long story.. Prior to this I wasn't a relationship person. I would rather just talk to them then get into that.

I met my current bf through texting off a mutual friends phone. He just got out of a long relationship.. Like 2 weeks earlier. I would never meet a stranger off Facebook, twitter, or txting but I made an exception for him. I just had this feeling.

He really wanted to meet me so I let him pick me up.. And when I saw him I was like omg he's not ugly.. He's actually really cute lol. That day he took me to his room and we smoked a couple blunts. We clicked really well. He tried to have sex but I didn't want to and we made out. I hung out with him a second time a couple days later and we had sex. We were drinking together and he took my virginity. A week after knowing each other he was like so when are you gonna be my gf and I guess we started going out then.

I had a lot of guy friends and hung out w/ them regularly and he didn't like that. After a month he told me he wasn't okay with that and I broke up with him. I knew my friends longer than him and he wasn't that important then. A month after we broke up though he texted me randomly to says what's up and asked if I was with anyone now. I wasn't and I thought it was interesting that he cared. At the time I thought he would be like fuck her because I left him for my friends. I didn't think I would hear from him again.

We saw each other again and he spontaneously kissed me and then later he told me he had a gf. It was that girl he was previously with. Idk why but that didn't bother me and we continued to fool around in secret for like 6 months. I was still hanging out w/ my friends. But then he started hating that again. He brought it up and he also wanted me to be his. He called me gf #2. I constantly asked him why he cheats and if he didn't like the relationship just leave. He complained about her sometimes. He said he didn't know why but I was the first person he did this with. I liked him too i just wasnt sure about being his gf b/c he had one. Sometimes I would try to ignore him.. But he would blow my phone up with calls, texts, and voicemails. So I couldn't get rid of him and accepted the fact we had feelings for each other. Once when I introduced him to my friend I was like this is _____ my...... And he quickly said boyfriend. So I guess at that point was when I started thinking of us as a couple.

We're still a secret but I started to get jealous and mad. I hated being a secret and complained about it. I has to crawl through windows and on the phone he called me another name. None of his friends or family could see me. Then he finally brought me out and around ppl. His mom even knew. he said his dad and uncle had 2 women before also. So i guess thats why he thinks its ok. Everyone knew about me but the other one.

A couple times she showed up randomly and I would have to hide in another room til she left. I felt so jealous. He was really nice to me though and we had sex every time we saw each other. Then one day when she showed up again she found out because his mom was like she's in here (the other room).

We got into a fight. She came over to say she was pregnant.. No one knew what to do. A couple months later there was a miscarriage though. If there was gonna be a baby I would have left. After that incident there were no more secrets.

The jealousy was always there b/w both of us. We can't be in the same room and we don't see each other.

There's a lot more incidents that happen in b/w but its too much. We just know the other one exists. It causes some arguments.

Somewhere along the road I became the obsessed one. If he doesn't answer the phone I get worried and blow up his phone. I don't hang out with my friends anymore not even girls. I used to drink and stuff but now I don't because he doesn't like that. When we're on bad terms I can't sleep. If I do Fall asleep I have recurring nightmares and will just wake up anyways. I'm not allowed to even text to say what's up to any guy. When we argue we usually just forget about it like an hour later and it's good again.

Last week he tried to break up with me and I refused to leave the car until we were ok again. He tried pulling me out the car and I would force myself back in. We made this huge scene in front of my neighbors. He finally dragged me out and when he tried to tried drive out my neighborhood and I ran in front of his car and jumped on the hood. I grabbed onto it and he kept driving.. About 30 mph. He stopped and I fell off and scraped my feet and sprained my finger. He drove off and someone helped. This was out in the road and he drove about 20 feet only.

This isn't our first physical issue either. Several times before I have punched his face if I got mad and he would hold me down.. One time we choked me and it hurt to swallow for a week.

Idk.. I can't sleep when we fight. I feel crazy and obsessed. I get so anxious if he doesn't pick up.. I guess cuz he could be with someone else. I hate it and I know I should leave but it's hard. I can't believe how turned around things got. Could my behavior or his be diagnosed as something? Sometimes I feel dependent on love but idk. And me and her aren't ok with the other one being there but we love him so much. Since we stay regardless.. Does that mean we really are ok with this situation?

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Because I don't have much time (as I mentioned in chat) I'm just going to answer the one thing that caught my eye really quickly.

 

You'd said "Since we stay regardless.. Does that mean we really are ok with this situation?"

 

No. Lots of people stay in terrible situations. It quite commonly takes people in abusive situations many tries to leave and end the relationship. Almost no one gets it on the first try. And, just because you are unable to go, doesn't mean that going is a bad idea. There are just other factors involved. It might be worth talking to someone who has more experience in that area than some crazy on the internet. Speaking of which...

 

... we can't diagnose you, and no one here can really give you an opinion on the subject. All we can say is that this behaviour is clearly concerning you, and so it is worth asking about. I personally ask these sorts of questions at women's centres, because I tend to feel safer there. But where ever you feel safer (crisis hotline, crisis chat line, drop-in centre, etc) is the best place for you to ask. Also, you can feel free to let us know how it goes.

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Wow..okay please get out of this relationship he sounds abusive not to mention the cheating. You sound very codependent and I'm not judging. I became a different person in my last relationship that was abusive it is an aweful feeling that someone else can make you feel so desperate and out of control but the only way to stop it is to stop seeing him and suffer those feelings for awhile. They will go away. I can tell you that this guy does not seem to care about either of you. Infact he sounds awful I wish I could kick him for you.

I'm sorry your going through this and I hope you can get out heal from this.

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The only person I can try to talk to is my boyfriend because he's been there since the beginning. Idk anyone who would know anything about my situation. I'm still a teenager.. None of my friends can relate to this. Thanks for reading. I didn't think anyone would :)

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Of course it's easier said than done to leave.

 

What quality of life do you want to have for yourself?

 

Are you on the path that will get you the kind of life you want?

 

If not, what are you willing to change to get on the path to getting what you want?

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I've been in a similar situation, and I stuck around for 3 years and some change for that crap.  My friend even showed me the whole cycle of abuse, tried to get me to see it's an abusive relationship, and I shrugged it off.  "We care about each other because we keep coming back to each other!"  Yeah, no, but I couldn't see that until *I* was ready to do something about it.  I finally decided that it had to stop, and I took action to make that happen.  I knew it was going to hurt and be hard, but I just couldn't keep on with the way things were.  You are right, it's much easier said than done to leave, but it also won't hurt forever.

 

I understand that you're a minor, but this type of behavior is a road that you don't want to go down.  If you get used to these kinds of behaviors (and are obviously willing to put up with them by staying around), even after/if you and this guy break up, you still leave yourself susceptible for similar relationships in the future.  You might think that's crazy talk, but until I got treatment for this behavior, I went through a whole slew of abusive relationships.  It became normal for me, and it was what I was used to/comfortable with.  I turned into a person I didn't recognize, and you already see this about yourself.  You're doing things that you wouldn't normally be doing, and you feel "sucked in."

 

Rosie made a great suggestion about women's shelters--they can offer counselling, education, advice, support, (and legal services at some, should that be necessary), etc.  It's a great resource.  I thought you had to be bloodied, black and blue, and have children to go to such a place, but no.  You might also try to get into a therapist.  I don't know where you live, or whether you need insurance, etc., but since you're a minor, your parents are probably going to have to find out if you see a therapist.  They don't need to know everything--you can simply tell them that you need some support/help coping with things in your life right now.  Or that you want to work on yourself--something along those lines.

 

You're young, and you're in a tough situation.  I just want to stress the importance of learning about healthy relationships and behaviors NOW instead of setting yourself up for possible future hurt as well--regardless of what happens in your current situation.

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You deserve more. You deserve people who love you, not just use you, and that is what he is doing - using you. It sounds like you let him isolate you, like you slowly went along with his not liking you having friends or other people important in your life. That is totally unhealthy and something that someone who cannot really love does. He sought to control you and now that he won that controlling game, he's ready to move on or start hurting you more. This is an awful situation. It makes you think you are more dependent on him than you really are. You've been sucked into thinking he is everything but that is a type of brainwashing. Remember who you were. You are a good person. You deserve more.

 

The obsessing, refusing to leave the car, jumping on the hood, all of it is unhealthy, not a good relationship. You know this. You feel it is wrong. It doesn't feel good. You are concerned enough to post on a crazy people website. Listen to your instincts. You probably are not crazy, just sucked into a very unhealthy relationship. Two people in an unhealthy relationship understand the relationship because they both are tied up  in it. That does not mean it is something to value. It means it is something to let go.

 

You might not sleep for a few days, but you will sleep again. And life will be good again without him.

 

Start hanging out with your friends again. Talk about it to someone, a friend, relative, counselor.

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I've been in a similar situation, and I stuck around for 3 years and some change for that crap. My friend even showed me the whole cycle of abuse, tried to get me to see it's an abusive relationship, and I shrugged it off. "We care about each other because we keep coming back to each other!" Yeah, no, but I couldn't see that until *I* was ready to do something about it. I finally decided that it had to stop, and I took action to make that happen. I knew it was going to hurt and be hard, but I just couldn't keep on with the way things were. You are right, it's much easier said than done to leave, but it also won't hurt forever.

I understand that you're a minor, but this type of behavior is a road that you don't want to go down. If you get used to these kinds of behaviors (and are obviously willing to put up with them by staying around), even after/if you and this guy break up, you still leave yourself susceptible for similar relationships in the future. You might think that's crazy talk, but until I got treatment for this behavior, I went through a whole slew of abusive relationships. It became normal for me, and it was what I was used to/comfortable with. I turned into a person I didn't recognize, and you already see this about yourself. You're doing things that you wouldn't normally be doing, and you feel "sucked in."

Rosie made a great suggestion about women's shelters--they can offer counselling, education, advice, support, (and legal services at some, should that be necessary), etc. It's a great resource. I thought you had to be bloodied, black and blue, and have children to go to such a place, but no. You might also try to get into a therapist. I don't know where you live, or whether you need insurance, etc., but since you're a minor, your parents are probably going to have to find out if you see a therapist. They don't need to know everything--you can simply tell them that you need some support/help coping with things in your life right now. Or that you want to work on yourself--something along those lines.

You're young, and you're in a tough situation. I just want to stress the importance of learning about healthy relationships and behaviors NOW instead of setting yourself up for possible future hurt as well--regardless of what happens in your current situation.

I will literally sit there for hours calling non stop.. I don't want to. I just can't help it. How did you leave? How long did it take? How are you now? But yes that's exactly how it is. We feel like if you don't go to extreme measures to stay then you don't really care. My dad used to hit my mom sometimes when he got drunk if she didn't want to have sex.. They're still together. Did you have issues with your dad? I want to understand this situation more indepthly

Edited by Koalabear
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You have been given a lot of good advice.

 

You need some help, some therapy or counseling to get away from this miserable situation.

The entire start of the relationship was unsafe.

 

You met him online

You are a teenager, a minor.

You let him pick you up

You drank when you are not of age

You were a virgin and had sex with a guy you hardly knew

 

One unsafe decision after another.  As a mother it made my heart pound reading this.

Talk with someone whom you can trust who is a mature adult.

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No, my parents have a very healthy relationship, actually.

 

I knew he was cheating on me with another girl (he'd done it with women in the past), but I would drive around for HOURS in my city looking for his car in somebody's drive way.  I actually found it.  Then I would drive by her house every time he wasn't home.  This was before cell phones really.  Once, we were supposed to meet up, and he didn't show.  I drove over to her house and knocked on the door for a confrontation.  THAT was how bad it had gotten.  Even while I was doing it--shaking with fear and anger--I kept thinking, "what in the HELL are you doing?  Why are you doing this?"  So yeah.  It gets ugly and out of control pretty quickly.

 

In my case, he left town for a couple of weeks for a vacation.  We lived really close to each other, and he left me his key to look after his place.  I just decided that while he was gone, I was going to take care of me, and not pine over the fact that he wasn't around.  I used that time to really get myself together.  There wasn't really anything magical about it.  I was sick of behaving in ways that were not healthy, and I was sick of feeling shitty all of the time.  I realized that I was as much to blame for things as he was, and I just made up my mind not to have any more contact with him.  He came back, and I told him I was done.  He was shocked.  He will most likely try to keep making contact with you for awhile. He will probably tell you exactly what you want to hear.  Block his number.  Delete it from your phone.  Delete his e-mail.  Delete him from social media.  Get rid of any ways he can contact you.  If he shows up at your house, do not go out and talk to him.  You really just have to STOP having any contact with him.  If you think he's dangerous, then document everything.

 

It really just comes down to setting your mind to stop the behavior.  Therapy can help you recognize the symptoms/triggers/behaviors that are unhealthy and reasons you get into those kinds of relationships, but the end result is the same:  just stop.  You're the only one who has control over your behavior, and really, in the beginning, it's the behaviors that have to change before the thinking changes.  You need distance from him and the relationship.  That's going to hurt, and you're going to fight like hell to stay in that cycle.  Let it hurt, acknowledge that feeling, but don't act on it.  Don't do anything destructive to yourself (I've done loads of that), and don't do anything destructive to him--that will only engage him and perpetuate the cycle.  Eventually, I realized that the hurt from our breakup would be temporary, but if I continued seeing him, I would constantly feel shitty.  Best to just feel crappy for a little while then to continually feel like crap indefinitely.

 

It's tempting to get involved in other relationships.  My Irish friend says the best way to get over someone is to get under someone else.  Yeah, it's funny, but it's not healthy.  Educate the hell out of yourself about this stuff.  Make contacts with people who will support healthy decisions you make.  Get a support system.  That particular relationship was so crazy for me, I'd alienated all my friends by the time I smartened up.  No one wanted to hear me whine about how hard this was for me by the time I decided to end things--not even my family.  I found writing really helpful for me in that sense.  I could put it all on paper and say whatever I wanted.  If I missed him, then I could write it down, and no one was going to judge me for being an idiot for missing him.

 

I don't know if you have any mental illness diagnoses, but the hypersexuality component of my Bipolar did NOT help me, and I needed to learn how to manage that as well.  I married a wonderful man, and because I hadn't had therapy for all my jacked up relationships in the past (and was undiagnosed as bipolar), I proceeded to fuck up my marriage as well.  I eventually (after a string of these types of relationships), got myself into therapy for it.  I learned to recognize "those" types of people--the things they do and say--and why I am attracted to them.  I learned healthy behaviors and what loving relationships are--those things apply to ALL of your relationships, not just your romantic ones.

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No, my parents have a very healthy relationship, actually.

 

I knew he was cheating on me with another girl (he'd done it with women in the past), but I would drive around for HOURS in my city looking for his car in somebody's drive way.  I actually found it.  Then I would drive by her house every time he wasn't home.  This was before cell phones really.  Once, we were supposed to meet up, and he didn't show.  I drove over to her house and knocked on the door for a confrontation.  THAT was how bad it had gotten.  Even while I was doing it--shaking with fear and anger--I kept thinking, "what in the HELL are you doing?  Why are you doing this?"  So yeah.  It gets ugly and out of control pretty quickly.

 

In my case, he left town for a couple of weeks for a vacation.  We lived really close to each other, and he left me his key to look after his place.  I just decided that while he was gone, I was going to take care of me, and not pine over the fact that he wasn't around.  I used that time to really get myself together.  There wasn't really anything magical about it.  I was sick of behaving in ways that were not healthy, and I was sick of feeling shitty all of the time.  I realized that I was as much to blame for things as he was, and I just made up my mind not to have any more contact with him.  He came back, and I told him I was done.  He was shocked.  He will most likely try to keep making contact with you for awhile. He will probably tell you exactly what you want to hear.  Block his number.  Delete it from your phone.  Delete his e-mail.  Delete him from social media.  Get rid of any ways he can contact you.  If he shows up at your house, do not go out and talk to him.  You really just have to STOP having any contact with him.  If you think he's dangerous, then document everything.

 

It really just comes down to setting your mind to stop the behavior.  Therapy can help you recognize the symptoms/triggers/behaviors that are unhealthy and reasons you get into those kinds of relationships, but the end result is the same:  just stop.  You're the only one who has control over your behavior, and really, in the beginning, it's the behaviors that have to change before the thinking changes.  You need distance from him and the relationship.  That's going to hurt, and you're going to fight like hell to stay in that cycle.  Let it hurt, acknowledge that feeling, but don't act on it.  Don't do anything destructive to yourself (I've done loads of that), and don't do anything destructive to him--that will only engage him and perpetuate the cycle.  Eventually, I realized that the hurt from our breakup would be temporary, but if I continued seeing him, I would constantly feel shitty.  Best to just feel crappy for a little while then to continually feel like crap indefinitely.

 

It's tempting to get involved in other relationships.  My Irish friend says the best way to get over someone is to get under someone else.  Yeah, it's funny, but it's not healthy.  Educate the hell out of yourself about this stuff.  Make contacts with people who will support healthy decisions you make.  Get a support system.  That particular relationship was so crazy for me, I'd alienated all my friends by the time I smartened up.  No one wanted to hear me whine about how hard this was for me by the time I decided to end things--not even my family.  I found writing really helpful for me in that sense.  I could put it all on paper and say whatever I wanted.  If I missed him, then I could write it down, and no one was going to judge me for being an idiot for missing him.

 

I don't know if you have any mental illness diagnoses, but the hypersexuality component of my Bipolar did NOT help me, and I needed to learn how to manage that as well.  I married a wonderful man, and because I hadn't had therapy for all my jacked up relationships in the past (and was undiagnosed as bipolar), I proceeded to fuck up my marriage as well.  I eventually (after a string of these types of relationships), got myself into therapy for it.  I learned to recognize "those" types of people--the things they do and say--and why I am attracted to them.  I learned healthy behaviors and what loving relationships are--those things apply to ALL of your relationships, not just your romantic ones.

The driving around part sounds like something I would do.. I've thought about it before because I know where he lives and where he would be. I love.. love. I have also always been a hopeless romantic. This is my first long term relationship. So I thought this was how normals relationships are.. The constant fighting for each others love. Sometimes I do feel codependent as winglessfaery said *sigh :/ I don't want the answer to be that a horrible traumatic situation has to occur for me to finally have the power to leave.

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Well, recognizing that this isn't a healthy relationship for you to be in is really the key.  How far you let that go is only up to you, unfortunately.  

 

I thought that I could always change people if I loved them enough/if they loved me enough.  So there was always this contingent for more, more, more.  More love.  More time together.  More sex.  More of me being how he (they, really, since there were multiple relationships I went through that were like this) wanted me to be.  More doing things for him.  Do everything perfectly.  If you don't screw up, he will want to stay.  If he doesn't stay--or he strays--I had the tendency to internalize that.  It was somehow my fault.  It wasn't just because he was a jackass with his own problems, independent of me (which was the reality).

 

And wingless is right--it is a codependency, in my experience.  I needed him to validate my self-worth.  If he was with me, then I was "worth" something.  He loved me enough.  I was important.  It's that kind of thinking that therapy and education can really help with.

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You are not in a healthy relationship, and I understand that because you are still young, it is hard to see that for yourself.   But please read what others have written - many people (myself included, when I was younger) have been in unhealthy and abusive relationships.

 

I think it happens because you don't really know what is "normal" and what is not normal.  It is NEVER 'normal' for a woman or man of any age to hit or choke each other.  That is never, ever OK.  If your dad did that to your mom, it was NOT OK.     No one should have to put up with physical (or emotional) abuse.

 

Also - the whole idea of "blowing up his phone" with repeated calls or texts is also not a good sign.  Before you can have a truly healthy relationship with another person you have to have love for yourself, and a feeling that you are worth loving.   

 

If you repeatedly call someone who doesn't want to speak with you (at least at that time) that sounds to me like you are desperate for love and attention.  I am NOT judging you; I understand.  I have been through this when I was a teenager and it did not end well.

 

Is there anyone - maybe a trusted teacher or school counselor - that you could speak with about this?  Please try to get out of this relationship.  It is not healthy for you.

 

You deserve to be treated with respect and love.  Someday you will find a person who will do that, and you will do the same for him.  

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Well, recognizing that this isn't a healthy relationship for you to be in is really the key.  How far you let that go is only up to you, unfortunately.  

 

I thought that I could always change people if I loved them enough/if they loved me enough.  So there was always this contingent for more, more, more.  More love.  More time together.  More sex.  More of me being how he (they, really, since there were multiple relationships I went through that were like this) wanted me to be.  More doing things for him.  Do everything perfectly.  If you don't screw up, he will want to stay.  If he doesn't stay--or he strays--I had the tendency to internalize that.  It was somehow my fault.  It wasn't just because he was a jackass with his own problems, independent of me (which was the reality).

 

And wingless is right--it is a codependency, in my experience.  I needed him to validate my self-worth.  If he was with me, then I was "worth" something.  He loved me enough.  I was important.  It's that kind of thinking that therapy and education can really help with.

I'm so happy you know exactly how I feel. For the longest time I wanted someone who could relate so I could talk to. When I fell off the car seconds later someone drove up to me and it was a teacher from my school. So I told him what had just happened and he told my counselor and she talked to me about it as well. But it wasn't as comforting as this site because I felt they didn't understand. Also keep in mind I am not the only one and there's another girl. Constantly I feel like I am in competition and she's just as crazy and obsessive as I am... Maybe even more. But I feel like if I leave I would have lost a battle that I've fought for. All this effort and heart break will have gone to waste. When I was a kept secret I held on for the hope that he would leave her for me because he broke up with her several times for me. That's never gonna happen. I know there are polygamous relationships that work out there. I guess I'm hoping that maybe ill be able to live with it and be completely accepting of this situation.

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 Also keep in mind I am not the only one and there's another girl. Constantly I feel like I am in competition and she's just as crazy and obsessive as I am... Maybe even more. But I feel like if I leave I would have lost a battle that I've fought for.

 

Yes, but here's the thing:  What's the prize here, really?  A guy who doesn't want to be solely committed to you in any meaningful way?  A guy you don't trust?  A guy who doesn't respect your personal boundaries?  A guy you can't truly have healthy communication with?  So, if you walk away . . . she gets that  as her consolation prize.

 

I had "the other woman" call me at my job once for a confrontation.  What the shit is that?  Do I need that kind of humiliation in front of my co-workers?  The fact that he gave her my information so that she could call and "talk" to me was extra fucked up.  Who does that?  Someone who doesn't respect you, that's who.

 

 

I know there are polygamous relationships that work out there. I guess I'm hoping that maybe ill be able to live with it and be completely accepting of this situation.

 

Yes, there are poly relationships out there that are functional.  Those people, however, do not feel like they are "accepting of this situation."  They choose to be in those relationships for various reasons. It isn't something that they've just resigned themselves to. They also work extremely hard in those relationships to make sure that everyone is getting their various needs met.  A poly relationship is not just having more than one girlfriend/boyfriend--it's a group effort in all respects.  If this situation were a healthy poly relationship, you'd want to make sure that the other woman was getting her needs met as well as your own, and also the guy involved.  Do you honestly care if she's satisfied in her relationship with him?  Do you want what's best for her?  Do you want what's best for him?

 

The fact that you feel like you are in a competition with the other woman says that the answer to all of those questions is "no."

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Because I don't have much time (as I mentioned in chat) I'm just going to answer the one thing that caught my eye really quickly.

 

You'd said "Since we stay regardless.. Does that mean we really are ok with this situation?"

 

No. Lots of people stay in terrible situations. It quite commonly takes people in abusive situations many tries to leave and end the relationship. Almost no one gets it on the first try. And, just because you are unable to go, doesn't mean that going is a bad idea. There are just other factors involved. It might be worth talking to someone who has more experience in that area than some crazy on the internet. Speaking of which...

 

... we can't diagnose you, and no one here can really give you an opinion on the subject. All we can say is that this behaviour is clearly concerning you, and so it is worth asking about. I personally ask these sorts of questions at women's centres, because I tend to feel safer there. But where ever you feel safer (crisis hotline, crisis chat line, drop-in centre, etc) is the best place for you to ask. Also, you can feel free to let us know how it goes.

Are these groups around as much as AA and NA? I know there are those in my community but I don't know where to look for this stuff

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Yes. Most every city has a crisis centre. Here, for example, in your situation could call the city and ask. I could ask the YWCA (or YMCA). I could ask the [name of city] rape crisis centre (they do all sorts of abusive, not just sexual violence, and they also do referrals). I could talk to my school about where is the crisis counseling? I could call the youth help line, or message them online. I could ask at a drop-in centre about where to turn.

Crisis centres and drop-in centres and exist in almost everywhere in various forms. You could even ask NA and AA about where to go for those. If you use those names, they should be able to help you.

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