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I've been trying to be clean.  I've felt things building for awhile and even went to NA meeting on tuesday to avoid. 

Today is the 1-yr anniversary of what was probably the worst day of my life.  Well, last night I took an Ambien (a no no according to IOP, 'cause it gets you high), then smoked pot, then had some wine.  Nice.  Nothing like falling off the wagon with a resounding thud.  I am writing off this weekend.  I need pot to be able to survive today without slashing something or jumping off something.  Or at least without feeling these horrible feelings.  If my 1 friend can't get me any, I will go to any means necessary.  I know it's bad, but I just don't give a shit anymore.  I am granting myself amnesty for today.  I even blew off my IOP and the leader chick called to see if I was ok.  Yeah, not ok.  But head will be deadened so that is good.

And I had 1/2 a glass of wine before work today.  Nice.

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

dont get kicked out of IOP!  cuz they'll get mad if u start taking off too much... its nice that they worry bout u and call and notice when ur not there

(btw - trying real hard not to get fucked up before work here also lol.. been successful the last few days but ive been having to get up at 8:30am for this conference so thats part of the reason.  free food tho - but topamax makes it all taste nasty.  i cant even smoke cigarettes this week because topo makes them taste like ass, but hey i saved maybe twenty bucks!)

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yeah, that sucks, but don't beat yourself up eternally for one weekend! i've been where you are before, and it doesn't make you feel any better to just get down on yourself. can you make like little goals for yourself? "no weed for two days" or something like that? thats the kind of thing thats worked for me in the past, but i suppose i shouldn't talk, because i just smoked a bowl - obviously i'm not clean myself. just trying to offer some hope ;)

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Hey, I know exactly what you're going through. I made it almost 30 days last month, going to AA every day almost and was finally feeling good. But, like you, I felt the anger building and that's the emotion that always gets me high.  My motherinlaw pissed me off one last time and I took a klonopin, which I had not been taking because I knew it would lead back to the pipe for me. I ended up drinking and taking 30 .50 klonopins, which led to about $300 worth of rock and three days of hell. I don't remember half of it. Now I've been using about every three days just to kill the pain of knowing I fucked up again.

I'm just hoping I can get myself back to AA without using this weekend, yet this morning I was counting the days til I can get my klonopins and darvocets filled. Oh well.

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