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losing it


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Once again I feel like I'm sinking. Life is too much. Today is Troy's birthday, I should be scrubbing and baking... Instead here I sit wishing to end the day. We've all been sick, Tessa particularly so. The added strain of her acting like a ticking screaming time bomb is getting to me.

I'm picking myself again, my shoulders are scabby. The darkness of the scabs is making the scars obvious

Obsessive thoughts, repeating, repeating, repeating... The compulsions haven't started yet

sleep? What is sleep?

bitchy bitchy bitchy

I want to be *alone* to just sit and stare slack jawed at the computer, or hide under the covers reading.. Right now I'm reading Sylvia Plath's journals.. Maybe not the best choice given my current state but maybe it will provide some insight to keep me from putting My head in the oven.

My head is buzzing, my brain tells me I suck, I should give up, my family deserves more. I know b/c of therapy that I must be louder than that voice.. But its so loud right now

I cant get my thoughts together

I'm spending to much money, the euphoria from a purchase is a nice feeling in my otherwise crappy day...

descending and sinking

no outs

Troy "can't go through this again"

what about me?

No mental coverage till MARCH

Troy doesn't want me to try medication again

Seroquel made me ok, even, but FAT

I am scared of developing diabetes... Maybe it's better than being an unmedicated bi polar with generalized anxiety disorder and OCD (possibly ADD too)

bah

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what about me?

No mental coverage till MARCH

Troy doesn't want me to try medication again

Seroquel made me ok, even, but FAT

I am scared of developing diabetes... Maybe it's better than being an unmedicated bi polar with generalized anxiety disorder and OCD (possibly ADD too)

bah

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

What about you indeed.  The insurance problem sucks and I am probably going to be there soon as well.  Sounds like I have good times to look forward to.  My standard advice for people who tell you not to take meds is, 2 X 4 upside the head!.  Perhaps this would relieve some of the stress as well.  One would hope that one didn't have to choose between chronic illnesses, but if I had to choose between diabetes and BP, GAD, OCD and ADD, I would have to go with the diabetes.  Hopefully you can find a solution that avoids both.

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Fidget,

You seem to have alot of crises and I would venture to make a correlation with your lack of treatment (aka medication). March is far too long to wait. Your situation could rapidly spiral out of control. Troy cannot "go through this"? Well, Troy may go through far worse if you don't get help. Ultimately, this is not about anyone but YOU. What do those emergency airline gas masks say? Put yours on first before attending to your child's (or husband's or anyone one else who wants your attention).

I would advise you to get stable now. Any amount of money is worth it, as Jerod would say. I have a huge debt but I can face it calmly because: i am stable. I've seen lots of advice on these boards on how to get cost-friendly care. And if you get chubby, well, at least you'll make it to March when you can start finessing your meds and lose any amount of weight.

7

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