Trying To Keep It In Check....

[deeschmee]

I have taken myself (with pdoc approval) off Effexor because I knew it was working properly. I've been off for maybe 2 weeks, just nothing but some Same-e and 5-htp.

I've been super depressed, starting with sleep problems again so I called to talk with pdoc about getting back on meds. She didn't call me back, my counselor did instead. She said pdoc doesn't know how to help me right now without seeing me. She mentioned that I took myself off Effexor  ( I thought she was ok with this) and that treatment is 70% therapy and 30% medication. I think the pdoc is frustrated with me, I have paradoxical reactions to a lot of meds. She told me to just wait until my June 4 appointment with them both.

 

I immediately started to panic. Then I started to breathe and do some mindfulness. I'm trying to be positive and have a fresh perspective but also don't know if what I'm feeling will pass or if it needs meds.

 

My bf is out of town so I've been trying to cheat on him, our sex-life sucks.

 

My feelings about this fluctuate from hour to hour, as they do on most topics in my life.

 

I want to post something on my stupid ex-friends facebook to make her think!

 

I think of telling my sons father to go check himself into a hospital because of his manipulating my son. And I would do this cause he's a dick

 

I am thinking about applying for a job because I cant stand not having money, but am I in the right frame of mind for this now?

 

I also feel like I'm not surrounded by like minded people. People who like the music, art, concerts, and activities that I do.

 

All day long I am struggling with the polar opposite (ha, I said polar!) of every scenario in my life and its a chore to self talk my way to a better frame of mind!!!!

 

Does this seem bi-polar? I'm not acting manic and have NEVER been able to go with little or no sleep.

What are your thoughts on any of this?

Edited May 22, 2013 by deeschmee

[deeschmee]

Quick thought, maybe my counselor and pdoc are letting me go without meds so I can have some sort of episode? Then they can put me back on something that will finally work for me???

[Emettman]

Deeschmee, one suggestion, from something I learned the hard way: 

 

Make no significant decisions or choices, nor go for significant actions, when you are badly tired.  This even before adding (unstable?) depression to the situation.

It's absolutely ripe for doing things that you will regret later

(My learning curve involved a knife, a bit of blood, and later a damaged car and the French police.)

 

Rest, sleep.  Slowing down, and probably curling up with some comfort food, is likely to be a better and safer option.

My strong suggestion, anyway.   

 

There's plenty of time to tackle everything else, on a better day or weekend.

Please don't try to jump on a horse and ride off furiously in all directions.

 

Chris.

[deeschmee]

Thank you....but does all this sound manic to you? idk...I cant tell myself.

[Emettman]

I can only give you my impression, with no assurance at all of accuracy.

 

"does all this sound manic to you? idk...I cant tell myself."

 

It sounds as though you are somewhat flailing around trying to think of *anything* that might bring leverage or change to your current mood state.

But it also sounds as though your current state means you are at some distance from doing your best cool thinking and having your best levels of self-awareness.

That's why I'd suggest a definite "time out" from.concluding or doing anything much.

 

Just my impression.

But I am here on Crazyboards too.

(Asperger's and long history of depressive illness, on the mental side.  Not my biggest current issues.)

 

Chris.

[deeschmee]

Very informative answer...and you realize you've given me permission to indulge in chocolate in your first response!

[Retromancer]

Unless you are diabetic chocolate is always a good first step.

[AnneMarie]

Just going by what you said here, and don't read too much into this, it sounds like you are difficult and most of your choices right now would bite your ass. Whether that's MI or just you, I don't know.  I'd go with the time out on decisions that involve or can affect other people.

 

If you've gone on and off meds on your own, your pdoc is probably a bit exacerbated and finding it hard to summon urgency for someone who has disregarded her in the past. Not saying that this is the best attitude for a doc that treats mood disorders! but it sort of sounds like that. Be patient and work at establishing some trust when you see her. Or, find someone new.

[Emettman]

Very informative answer...and you realize you've given me permission to indulge in chocolate in your first response!

 

Thank you, and of course.

Considered as a short-term medication chocolate can be remarkably effective.

If only it didn't have front effects.

 

Chris.

[deeschmee]

Thank you for your support!

No I am not diabetic, and yes the chocolate did help...I had an eye opening experience yesterday.

I texted my Bf " Can I ask you something?" He immediately called me sounding nervous and insisted I just ask him.

All I asked was for improvements to our sex life. He said he was worried that I was going to break up with him. When I said " I would never break up with you while you were on vacation!". He said " Well I can never tell with you!

I guess I've never actually heard him before until yesterday, and he shuts down when I get angry and have broken up with him before. He said he can't take my moods.

HHHMMMMMMM!!!! That right there could be the reason for a sucky sex life as well as reason to find the right meds!!

 

Thanks for letting me ramble!