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As I posted in another forum, I found out my fiancée was doing heroin, had stolen a lot from me, and lied like crazy. She lived with me and my parents. I'm 24 and she's 28. Actually I shouldn't say "fiancée" because I can't be with her anymore, at least til she's better, and even that will be hard to trust. But she's my best friend. I have been ridiculously sad and lonely without her. I'm angry too, yes, and hurt and betrayed. But I miss her and it takes time to detach myself. My parents "forbid" me from seeing her alone, and want to "supervise" the visits. Once again, I am TWENTY FOUR. And she's not a danger to me (mentally maybe, with the lies, but seeing her occasionally isn't bad). And she's a danger to my wallet. But to my safety, no. She's waiting to get into treatment and is staying at a place where they can come and go freely but are drug tested daily, and kicked out if they use. Like yes, I get that she lied about so much, and used me. I know she loves me but the addiction got in the way. I know she's not healthy for me as a girlfriend. But I already feel like I have no control, and my parents are treating me like a child. They kicked her out and I didn't argue that. Yet they're mad I'm upset I have to be "supervised." I don't know whether to be grateful or angry. But this control they're putting on me is making me feel really depressed and hopeless. I'm already "grieving" over the lost relationship, lost housemate, all the lies, etc. And now I'm told what I can and can't do, even if it's out of love. I don't know how I'm supposed to feel!

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I'm pretty sure I replied to you in the other forum as well, but since I can relate so well to your situation (especially now) I'm going to put in my two cents here. 

 

I just ended my relationship a few weeks ago... I was the "substance addict" (drunk) but that's not why it ended. We stayed together for 2 more years after I stopped drinking. I was addicted to him (or his abuse) as well. 

 

I still feel like crap about the breakup even though it was the healthy thing to do. There's no right and wrong about feelings - is it "wrong" to feel pain when you break your leg? It's not wrong to miss someone who was such a big part of your life (and still is, in a different way) even if it's not a healthy relationship. There's nothing wrong with loving and caring about your ex-fiancée especially when she's battling her addiction, but don't forget to care for yourself too. 

 

Re your ex, IMO you are right not to trust her for a while even after she goes through rehab. It's common to relapse after rehab. I did a lot of my worst drunken things after rehab! Just like a relationship, it takes time to separate emotionally from a substance, everyone is different that way. But - if she keeps on trying, going to therapy/meetings etc. that's a very good sign. Based on my own experience, I think if she loves you, her love for you will help motivate her recovery. But only you can figure out what you will need her to do, to earn your trust again - if that's possible.

 

Now I put my "parent" hat on for a minute - I lost my daughter because I chose not to interfere when she got into a bad relationship as a teenager - dropped out of high school, etc. Long story short, I haven't heard from her in 3 years. I am guessing your parents are trying in their own way to protect you, they are probably frantically worried about you. I don't condone their methods necessarily, but I'm sure they were shocked as well to find out that their soon-to-be daughter in law is a heroin addict.

 

When I went into rehab, I found out that many rehab facilities offer counselling for loved ones of addicts. This might be a good idea for you and your parents to try. My ex went to a therapy group and he found it very helpful in dealing with me! If rehab doesn't offer therapy, nar-anon or al-anon is a good start. Even going to one of their "open" meetings and listening to other people tell their stories can be helpful. 

 

Re danger: There's physical and mental danger. BOTH can be just as traumatic to you, and can do a lot of damage. Example: being treated as #2 for a substance by the one you love would be traumatic for anyone. 

 

Re "substance addict": I've found it's possible to be addicted to substances, and to relationships. That's why people stay in abusive relationships, the relationship is their "fix". My ex abused me both physically and mentally, but the emotional stuff hurt me a lot more than the bruises. I managed to get my substance addiction under control but the emotional addiction was a lot harder to break. This process took months... and I still have thoughts of "if only" or "maybe if I..." and I still miss him. I still talk to him sometimes. At first I felt guilty about that "unhealthy" behaviour but now I see it as part of the emotional detachment process. I'm in therapy as well.

 

But - please note that I'm NOT saying your relationship is an addiction! That's not for me to say. I do think it's a good idea for you to step back at least for a while, until your ex can sort out her own issues. I wasn't able to give up the booze for good until I could do it for myself, and not just to avoid losing someone else. 

 

I know this must be a terrible time for you. I hope some of my ramblings have helped. 

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While I agree that your parents are being a little tyrannical, maybe you should spend this time focusing on yourself rather than what they are doing.  Have you considered going to an AlAnon or NarAnon meeting?  Those groups are very, very helpful and can help you feel a little less alone.  I'm so sorry you're in this position.  Addiction is devastating.  I've been on the addict side of things and would not wish it upon anyone.

 

I hope you can weather this storm.

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This is all my opinion and is subject to change.

 

You know, I've started to respond to this thread a couple of different times. The problem for me is, I can see where everyone is. I understand your parents wanting to shelter and protect you. I know how it feels as a parent to see bad things happen to your kid and all you want to do is bundle them up on your lap and make everything all better like you used to be able to do when they were little. I understand that you as an adult-child need the freedom and ability to make your own mistakes in life. That's part of growing up. You make mistakes and you learn and grow from them.

 

I'm betting all of you are feeling violated. The trust is gone. Someone you thought you could trust took that trust and stomped all over it with great big boots. So, you start to wonder if you can trust anyone. All of a sudden every relationship is put under a microscope. It's only natural to want to gather those that you love close to you when something bad happens. 

 

Your parents wanting to make sure you are supervised when with your ex is their way of trying to protect you. They don't want to see you hurt anymore. Maybe they think you'll start thinking with your heart and not your head and get caught back up in the drama that I'm sure is around with your ex.

 

So, you see why I haven't responded before? I can see both sides of this but I have very little to offer in the way of answers. There probably aren't any real answers. I will be here for support and so will others. Maybe they'll have answers. With me, you get empathy.  Sorry I can't offer you more.

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