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So I've had a pretty crazy childhood, abusive relationships, alcohol and marijuana use, promiscuity and numerous jobs ( like I cant even count).

Some of this occurred while raising children, and I really considered myself a good Mom for the most part. I didn't feel guilty about it until recently. I'm on the road to recovery and doing a lot of reflecting so now I see what an inadequate Mother I am to my 11 yr old daughter. ( I have 2 older sons 21 & 19)

I'm frequently in bed, tired, depressed, anxious and not to mention I am unemployed once again (waiting for disability).

 

I wish I could be a better Mom who planned fun activities, had more energy and enough money to expose my daughter to wonderful experiences. I feel like I am a poor example of a woman and before I know it she'll be grown and gone and it will be too late.

 

You may say I'm being hard on myself but I am being honest. All I have to do is look at how my sons are suffering as a result of my bad choices.

 

As a result I question every move I make and have so many regrets and constantly feel insecure and unsure.

 

I need confidence as a person as well as a mother.

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It is never to late too take parenting classes. Many community colleges offer courses in parenting skills for mothers of toddlers to teens. County and/or city health departments are another source.

 

ETA: also check with your local mental health associations.

Edited by Indigo 'n dye
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Good idea on parenting classes!

 

AnnMarie, I am in the process of being treated for sleep apnea and was told no meds for a month ( I was just about to start a new med) until we get my CPAP figured out.

A good nights sleep makes a world of difference in my mood.

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I keep coming back to this post. It concerns me that this is not the first time you have posted on the topic. In February of 2012 you started a topic using basically the same things you say in this one. It is concerning that in a year and five months no progress has been made and that you continue to feel inadequate as a parent.

 

What do you think can be done to improve your parenting skills and build your self-confidence in this area?

 

During that same period of time you also posted that your boyfriend was abusive and your daughter was being exposed to his abuse of you. Have you taken steps to resolve that difficulty?

 

I admit to being more than merely concerned. I am actively worried about your daughter...

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I think what happens is my perception of my life keeps changing cyclically. Sometimes things aren't so bad and I see where I can be a stronger parent, and sometimes I look at my life as a whole and sum up all the things I've done wrong and beat myself up over them.

 

I also have sleep apnea and the lack of sleep has a direct effect on my moods and perceptions.

 

My BF is not a monster, but I certainly wouldn't be here if I had any form of independence or financial stability. He's basically a boring, unmotivated person BUT he has rightly pointed out how poorly my daughter treats me.

 

All forms of drinking and partying are done away from my daughter, I can assure you she is not in any danger

 

My daughter is in counseling and I try to be a more assertive parent with her and set some structure.

 

I would like to attend parenting classes, become financially stable and wish I had some friends

 

But most of all, I would like to accept my life without so many regrets and just BE. Maybe the treatment of my apnea will clear my head.

Thank you indigo xo



Did your psychiatrist sign off on that direction? Mine wouldn't.

I don't see a psychiatrist, but my counselor and p-nurse agreed seeing as how most meds haven't worked for me anyway.

I still don't think I even have bipolar, but think my apnea has given me mood issues

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  • 3 months later...

I can relate to this a lot... I go through cycles as well so it's not this bad all the time. But it always comes back to me feeling inadequate as a mother and wishing I could do all those things for my daughter, she's 4. I also don't have any confidence. I just posted a a similar thread about this today in the depression forum, I probably should have put it here.

Edited by neurotic0
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I can relate to this a lot... I go through cycles as well so it's not this bad all the time. But it always comes back to me feeling inadequate as a mother and wishing I could do all those things for my daughter, she's 4. I also don't have any confidence. I just posted a a similar thread about this today in the depression forum, I probably should have put it here.

It can be very difficult, especially if you are isolated as I am. I dont know if you have any acess to Moms groups (I dont)

 

I cant kick my own ass pretty hard most days concerning just about anything at all

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If your daughter is in counseling - ask her counselor if they are aware of any parenting groups in the area. I'm finishing a parenting group. It's been interesting as my kid is 6 but some people come to talk about their 19 yo's. There is a lot of sharing. A few times its been too overwhelming for me (a mother kept talking about her own sexual abuse even though the facilitator was trying to move on....that was a very difficult meeting). We always get hand-outs of what we have discussed.

 

I know some people in the class were able to get in free. I had to pay $15 per session. That's not bad considering some of the places I researched online. And I found this group from a prior tdoc. Otherwise I would have never known.

 

Good Luck!!

db

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I know I'm not as involved as other parents.  I get really tired and sleep a lot when I can.  I don't know why, either.  I can get things done when I have obligations (my kids get back and forth to school on time, I volunteer and I can stay awake for the 4 hours I';m there).  My daughter has always been very independent and she likes to read and can entertain herself, but my son gets bored easily.  He has a lot of friends, though, so I don't need to entertain him constantly.  Over the summer he went to an afternoon recreation program that he enjoyed.

 

I don't know if you are married, but my husband picks up a lot of the slack.  At one point, when they were very young and I hadn't been doing well, when I started feeling better and tried to take over doing some things, my daughter got upset because I wasn't doing things the same way he did. I don't know how to explain it but I felt rejected.

 

My daughter is 15 and has had straight A's since forever it seems and my son struggles more with school but he is sweet, polite loving.  There are things I am working to change because i know they are problems mainly dietary, I've fed them easy to fix foods that aren't very healthy and are high fat and sugar so I'm working on changing that. But, over all they seem like they are doing okay.

 

I think all moms question if we are good enough.

 

I tried going to a parenting class, but I didn't research it and the one i went to was like "tough love" and that isn't my style or what I wanted to learn , so  look into what the course is about before signing up.

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I really like DB and Indigo's idea of parenting classes.

 

I have sleep apnea too and hopefully you will get set up with a CPAP soon.

 

Why don't you try writing down a couple of things you could do each day to be a better parent.  Like spend time with your daughter, ask her how things are going, take her out to eat, help her with the homework, watch a tv show together.  Then choose one or two things to do each day.  

 

In the meantime, you could always google "parenting an 11 year old" and see what pops up.  I imagine there are all kinds of suggestions about good ways to parent.

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I had/have the same issues, as mentioned, you could go to parenting classes. I know there is this idea that it is some thing that only bad parents go to, not true, I know mothers who did classes just to learn better how to handle things, my sister even took classes when pregnant with her second because more than one kid is a huge undertaking lol. 

 

I felt horrible for a long time that I didnt take my daughter places, but I realized that tomorrow doesnt matter as much as today. I have a 7 yr old daughter and I did squat with her until the past 2 yrs, I cook with her, she helps, we have a schedule for things, even her jobs, like at 7:30 she has to tidy up, at 6 is dinner, at 8 is shower time. Pinterest is a great way to find things to do with her on the cheap, I do arts and crafts with my daughter using pinterest, she looks on there and picks out things and we do them, we made fall wreaths the other day, it cost me nothing, we make home made playdo, go to dollar tree and buy 2 glass jars and 2 packs of glow sticks, cut them open and pour the glow stick in the jar and toss in some silver glitter, lid on and shake, you have lanterns. Even getting my daughter's hair cut or koolaid dipping her hair it lights up her day, and for a week I am the coolest mom ever. It wont take much, the guilt makes it feel bad like you cant fix it, but you can.

 

I go through my cycles where I dont feel like doing squat, I would rather lay on the couch and do nothing, when I feel like that I have little kits for her, arts and crafts for her to do on her own, having those things available makes me feel better, and trust me, kids know, my daughter is sympathetic to my problems and I am sure your daughter is too. Counseling has really helped my daughter too, she does hers while I do mine. 

 

I am sorry you are going through this, I know it is hard, and it will get better. If you just try a little bit every day things could get better, and also focus on you, find something to make you happy, it will make your daughter happy to see you happy.

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I had/have the same issues, as mentioned, you could go to parenting classes. I know there is this idea that it is some thing that only bad parents go to, not true, I know mothers who did classes just to learn better how to handle things, my sister even took classes when pregnant with her second because more than one kid is a huge undertaking lol. 

 

I felt horrible for a long time that I didnt take my daughter places, but I realized that tomorrow doesnt matter as much as today. I have a 7 yr old daughter and I did squat with her until the past 2 yrs, I cook with her, she helps, we have a schedule for things, even her jobs, like at 7:30 she has to tidy up, at 6 is dinner, at 8 is shower time. Pinterest is a great way to find things to do with her on the cheap, I do arts and crafts with my daughter using pinterest, she looks on there and picks out things and we do them, we made fall wreaths the other day, it cost me nothing, we make home made playdo, go to dollar tree and buy 2 glass jars and 2 packs of glow sticks, cut them open and pour the glow stick in the jar and toss in some silver glitter, lid on and shake, you have lanterns. Even getting my daughter's hair cut or koolaid dipping her hair it lights up her day, and for a week I am the coolest mom ever. It wont take much, the guilt makes it feel bad like you cant fix it, but you can.

 These are really great ideas!

I did call EPIC parenting classes in my area but they never sent me any info & unfortunately now I am without transportation so Im really limited

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I had/have the same issues, as mentioned, you could go to parenting classes. I know there is this idea that it is some thing that only bad parents go to, not true, I know mothers who did classes just to learn better how to handle things, my sister even took classes when pregnant with her second because more than one kid is a huge undertaking lol. 

 

I felt horrible for a long time that I didnt take my daughter places, but I realized that tomorrow doesnt matter as much as today. I have a 7 yr old daughter and I did squat with her until the past 2 yrs, I cook with her, she helps, we have a schedule for things, even her jobs, like at 7:30 she has to tidy up, at 6 is dinner, at 8 is shower time. Pinterest is a great way to find things to do with her on the cheap, I do arts and crafts with my daughter using pinterest, she looks on there and picks out things and we do them, we made fall wreaths the other day, it cost me nothing, we make home made playdo, go to dollar tree and buy 2 glass jars and 2 packs of glow sticks, cut them open and pour the glow stick in the jar and toss in some silver glitter, lid on and shake, you have lanterns. Even getting my daughter's hair cut or koolaid dipping her hair it lights up her day, and for a week I am the coolest mom ever. It wont take much, the guilt makes it feel bad like you cant fix it, but you can.

 

I go through my cycles where I dont feel like doing squat, I would rather lay on the couch and do nothing, when I feel like that I have little kits for her, arts and crafts for her to do on her own, having those things available makes me feel better, and trust me, kids know, my daughter is sympathetic to my problems and I am sure your daughter is too. Counseling has really helped my daughter too, she does hers while I do mine. 

 

I am sorry you are going through this, I know it is hard, and it will get better. If you just try a little bit every day things could get better, and also focus on you, find something to make you happy, it will make your daughter happy to see you happy.

 

This made me feel sooooo much better. I hope to get better and better as she gets older, I tend to worry that the damage is already done because I don't do as much as I should for her now. Thank you for posting this, it really helps.

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  • 5 months later...

I am going through another bad phase. I've basically been in bed for a week straight and keep telling my daughter I just don't feel good and can't play today. The guilt is eating me alive! Thought about your thread and wondered how you're doing, if you've found anything that helps? 

 

Like you I am very isolated. I think this time of year makes it much worse as well, all the rain/snow/dreary days. I can't find any motivation and I just crave solitude. I feel so bad for my daughter.

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  • 2 weeks later...

I'm sorry to hear that your feeling so bad. I can relate.

I've been doing okay on Effexor, but what I did do when I couldn't get out of bed was have a lot of "snuggle-in-bed" days.

I tried to make special moments even in bed like eating a snack, watching a movie or playing Yahtzee.

You can message me if you need to talk :)

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  • 2 weeks later...

i can relate to this topic. i feel the same about my child. i have days when the guilt is so bad and the guilt i feel for my older children. its not that we are bad mums we have off days some worse than others. doesnt mean we still dont go through the motions. we can make good or bad choices. we didnt choose to have mi and we werent to know at the time. i love my children and i always pray that one day they will understand.   this is a poem of sorts i wrote for my children.  I love You, I really do. You dont deserve this life with me. So restricted. So unfree. You know no different. But its killing me.

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