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New and need a bit of hand holding


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Where do I begin.  What do I say without losing your attention.  Why is it hot in this hand basket?

 

Lets cliff notes the beginning:   (uggh, I just finished and realized I typed the first chapter of a novel)

 

Bad childhood, bullied at school, struggled with weight all my life, came out at 18.

14 year abusive relationship (Emotional and psychological as well as he cheated the entire time)

4 years ago had gastric bypass surgery and lost 250+ lbs

3 years ago condo was robbed twice in a 6 month time span & 12 y/o dog died in my arms

2 years ago spent 9 months watching as my best friend died of cancer

19 months ago filed chapter 13 to save my condo

17 months ago ended the 14 years of abuse

1 year ago felt like I was on top of the world.  Met someone who changed my life and gave me back my self esteem and made me feel like I was worthy of love.  I thought he was "the one"

9 months ago it got too "real" for him and he left me for someone he met on Second life (In turn plummeting me further down the spiral than I've ever gone before

5 months ago lost my mom to cancer

10 days ago turned 37

 

So there's my backstory

 

I've been seeing a therapist since Jan of last year when I finally found the courage to end the relationship.  ( I had 4 months left of school at the time and hadn't planned on doing it until after I graduated but when I found out he was cheating on me again I realized it was now or never.  I spent the next few months juggling school and finalizing his move out.  I still finished my bachelors in software engineering with a 3.97)

 

After the summer relationship ended I REALLY started questioning my life.  I questioned long and hard why everything in my life seemed to turn to shit.  I read through several books including the infamous co--dependent no more books.  I learned a lot about myself.  I also remained friends... best friends... with the summer relationship guy.  He actually told me in November he always loved me (even though he was still seeing the online guy)

 

When my mom died I talked to my Psychologist and decided to see a Psychiatrist.  It was then that she realized I had never been diagnosed with ADHD.  She told me to look into that too.

 

Finally found a Psych who had an open apt within a month.  Everyone else was 3-4 months for new patients.  I went over all my failed attempts with SSRIs over the years (Although in college Prozac and Welbutrin worked wonders for both Anxiety and Smoking Cessation)   During the 14 year relationship I tried Prozac, Wellbutrin, Celexa, Buspar, 5-HTTP and all had bad side effects. 

We started with Doxepin and it was so so with getting me through the first 2 months after my mom died but it made me a sleeping zombie.  We added Adderall to the mix and while it worked GREAT on my ADHD (60 mg a day) the sleeping issue remained.  I stopped taking Doxepin and moved to Gabapentin to see if it would halt the OCD thoughts that lead to depression.  No good.

 

Last week I went in with a list of meds, the research I did, and the cost for each one's recommended dosage.  I did not want to be put on a 300 a month script like Cymbalta.   I narrowed it down to attempting Effexor or Remoran.   Initially he was hesitant, but then highly agreed Effexor would be worth trying as it would combat my anxiety and also possibly give me a boost to make the Adderall more effective.

 

Today is my transition day where I add a 2nd 37.5 mg to the morning 37.5 Effexor dose. 

 

The first day it made me a bit nauseous, but since they it honestly seems to be great.  I know it's not suppose to kick in for a few weeks, but it actually gives me the warm fuzzies and seems to amplify my concentration.

 

My big concern, the issue I hated with SSRIs, the sexual side effects.  In those rare instances where I do get intimate with someone I seriously don't want it ruined. 

Seeing how the registration had me type in nipple clamps I'm assuming everyone here is pretty warped (if so then I might have found my new area of support)   but given that I guess I can be frank and say that I'm on day 7 and I haven't had the anorgasmia issues.  It seems like I have to focus a little more or tense myself up a little more than usual but the orgasm was enough that if I was holding on to the bedpost I'd have probably ripped it off.

 

So that's where I stand.  The past 5 months I've felt completely, what I would assume to be somewhat bipolar, where I have days of incredible happiness and then days where I just hate life, hate what has happened, and little voices saying "just end it all"  (which I'm too strong of a person to succumb to... I just HATE the fact that it flashes in my head) 

  

I just want a sustained feeling of happiness.  14 years of abuse and I ALWAYS had my poker face on.  I always found a reason to be happy.  If I woke up on the green side of the grass I was HAPPY.  Now... now I would kill to remember what it's like to be happy.  I see the summer guy every week and I LOVE spending time with him.  We are always on the same wave length.  He honestly seems to be able to read my thoughts.  It's this perfect symbiosis.  Unfortunately it gets so intense that I revert back to thinking "why didn't it work, this is what I want, I want to spend the rest of my life with my best friend, I don't want to settle ever again"  and then I get depressed. 

 

I refuse to write him out of my life.  I can't afford to lose any more people from my life.  I know it's probably a matter of "you get what you ask for" or "STFU, you're doing this to yourself" .  Some days I feel like one of those Jerry Springer guests "I love my abusive husband".  The summer guy is not abusive by any means.  He's got a back story as messed up as mine and I'm certain has trust issues as well and is afraid I'm going to hurt him.  I fully understand that and refuse to abandon him, especially since he always points out "I'm still here" and "Who knows what the future will bring"   I will say this.  I'm not putting my life on hold any more for him.  I've wasted too much of it for other people.

 

So... there's my introduction.   If you've made it this far thank you.  Like I said.. I think I just need some hand holding until I can get my stability back.  I WILL find it!

 

 

 

 

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Welcome to CB (CrazyBoards).   Thank you for sharing your story; you have gone through a lot as Phoenix already said above.

 

I think you'll find this to be a good place for support.  I've found it to be a great way to share feelings, ideas, thoughts with other people who truly understand, because someone usually has been through a situation that is similar. 

 

Check out the blogs, chat, the forums.. depending on how and what you like to do, the site has different ways to connect with people. 

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A Keatsian hermit?

That sounds like someone I might be able to relate to.

Deep in the shady sadness of a vale,

Far sunken from the healthy breath of morn,

Or should it be "Recluses of the world, unite!"

Hello and welcome from Chris.

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I actually pulled it from one of my favorite poems.  Robert Frost's "Choose Something Like A Star"   It's my go to when I need to focus:  (Here's the last portion of the poem)

 

And steadfast as Keats' Eremite,
Not even stooping from its sphere,
It asks a little of us here.
It asks of us a certain height,
So when at times the mob is swayed
To carry praise or blame too far,
We may choose something like a star
To stay our minds on and be staid.

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Oh, I'm all in favour of not being swayed by or with the mob.

 

Mankind are a herd of knaves and fools. 

It is necessary to join the crowd, or get out of their way,

In order not to be trampled to death by them.    

(William Hazlitt)

 

I can do the social camouflage when required or I choose, but more I tend to find my own niche away from the stampede.

 

Chris.

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