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writehellarandomshiny

Your Best Spam Email

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So, every now and then I'll be bored, and check out some of my spam email. Here's some of the weirder ones:

 

 

 

Adriana has unlocked her private photos and videos for you to view and has requested that you do the same.

Click here to view her private photos and videos

 

 

 

 

 

FIDELITY FINANCE LOAN

Attn Sir /Madam,

I am Mr. Collins Mayer, C.E.O to FIDELITY HONEST FINANCE LOAN COMPANY, for we have been of great help to so many people in the world to meet their financial need.

FIDELITY HONEST FINANCE LOAN COMPANY has been in gold business for decades and has the experience and capabilities of financing any project ranging from personal or individual projects to governmental or ministerial projects. We also give out loans to suitable qualified candidates who agree to our terms and are ready to conform to terms and policies of the loan amount demanded for. We follow a global structure of loan and credit terms. We offer loans and credits according to the amount demanded by our clients.

Gold star International has unlimited structure and access of finance due to our long standing terms of operations. We have our head office in the United Kingdom and regional office in Asia. We provide financial services, in terms of loans and grants, to over twenty million clients and agricultural investments annually, also for college's students and universities across the globe.

We do give out different categories of loan, which are.

*Refinance
*Home Improvement
*Investment Loan
*Auto Loans
*Debt Consolidation
*Business Loans
*Personal Loans
*International Loans.

If interested, you are required to send us the below information.

APPLICANT'S DETAILS:

* Name Of Applicant:
* Address Of Applicant:
* City:
* State:
* Country:
* Gender:
* Marital Status:
* Age:
* Monthly Income Rate:
* Occupation:
* Mobile Number:
* Loan Amount Requested by you: $
* Loan Duration:
* Email:

FIDELITY HONEST FINANCE LOAN COMPANY is offering out loan to the General public with a very low rate of 3% annual interest rate. We only give out loans from $15,000.00 U.S Dollars - $ 5,000,000,000.00 U.S Dollars with maximum time duration of 20 years.

A loan process can be completed within a space of one week provided the terms of the loan contract are agreed upon. Look no further, Contact FIDELITY HONEST FINANCE LOAN COMPANY today via email: applicant@fidelityhonestfinancefirm.com

Mr Collins Mayer (CEO)
FIDELITY HONEST FINANCE LOAN COMPANY
Email: applicant@fidelityhonestfinancefirm.com

 

 

 

 

What are your favorites? 

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I don't have actual examples because I delete them, but my faves are the ones for:

1) low testosterone supplements (I'm female)

2) mingling with singles in my area (married 16 years)

3) AARP - I actually think this is more like deliberate pre-marketing for name recognition.

I always wonder what I signed up for that would make some list buyer think these would be a appropriate for me.

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I delete mine too, but I got one for penis enlargement (I am female).  I have no idea what it could have come from or been connected to.

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"Search for local cougars now."

 

No-one's suggested that for The Beast of Bodmin. A lynx or puma, mostly.

 

Chris.

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At my last (corporate) job, my team had a great sense of humor.   One day, a guy in the department got a penis enlargement spam email.

 

He replied (I know, always a bad idea!) something like this:

 

"Thank you for suggesting that I need to enlarge my penis.  At this time, my penis is large enough to meet my immediate needs.  If that should change in the future, I will be sure to contact you."

 

For some reason I thought that was really funny.  Off to go look at my spam folder....

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Well... first problem... if I proved to my "woman"   (or to any woman)  that I was a man, someone would be very freaked out since I am actually a WOMAN to begin with.  

Anyway, equal opportunity spam below:   (just came in this morning; since I delete them right away as well)

 

 

spam below ====================================================== spam below

 

 

YOU'RE GONNA PROVE TO YOUR WOMAN THAT YOU ARE A MAN

Dear friend,You must be well aware of the fact that in the current economy situation everyone should be clever and try to to save where one can.

 

But, on the other hand, it can be even more necessary to obtain the same high quality. That's where we can help you. We ship medical products which are just like the pills in your neighborhood pharmacy but for the fraction of the price!

 

(link to online pharmacy here)

 

We can make you a popular man again t

Edited by FlamelessCandle

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I get the poor English, I've lost my money, someone died, if you finance my trip to the US, I'll somehow manage to pull an impossible sum of money out of my ass, but I need your bank account number to get it and what the fuck ever. 

 

Someone is STILL in my personal e-mail account sending dick enlargement pill offers to all of my contacts, including myself. I've deleted all my contacts and changed my password twice, but this still happens. Don't know why. Then it happened to two of my contacts as well.

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I don't actually read more than what the e-mail title and the little preview that gmail gives, but even some of those are pretty lulzworthy.

 

Some of the gems:

 

"So hard you can break an egg"  - for penis enlargement  (I'm female, and uh, I don't think I'd want a guy whose yoo-hoo was so hard it could do that.)

From a sender named "Free Trial Enlargement"  - e-mail titled "10 things women hate"   (#1 would be penis enlargement spam?)

"Grow a long and hard one today" - Message preview is "Ask and you shall be given - extra inches"

Then there was one that talked about Oprah Winfrey in the subject and the preview was something about thrusting and...yeah, my brain shut off there, because...just NO.

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I've just quickly scrolled through the last 200 messages caught as spam.

 

Biggest repeat offender: "Find new flirts on Zoosk" 

 

What would I do with one of those?

Chris.

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A few years ago, I had a time of constantly getting spam emails about adopting children. Which was funny, mainly because I was still at school at the time and still a kid myself. Plus, I have no idea how such emails got to me.

 

I also recently got a message from "Scandalmail" masquerading as another company, which asked me to pick up a parcel in, like, NY, which is not even where I live (by a good few time zones).

 

419 scams always make me laugh as well.

 

I'll add more if I can think of more.

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Wow, thanks for all your responses! Pretty funny stuff.

 

Here's my new favorite:

 

You have won 2.5 million,contact (email address removed) 

 

NOTHING else.

LEGIT.

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I got one from the "FBI" stating that terrorists were trying to break into my bank account to use my money to fund terrorist operations. They needed my personal information and were VERY sorry to inform me this via e-mail instead on in person or a phone call. It was written very well.

 

So I actually responded to this one. Usually I don't but sometimes it's fun to mess with these folks.

 

So I wrote back, in the worst English imaginable that I'd give them information, but I needed to know what was going on in "prroopre englih cuz i dun speek germen an shit" 

 

I wrote about four tiny paragraphs like that and it took about 45 minutes because it's HARD to do that.

 

Then I went back and re-read it and realized that the only mistakes I made were using proper grammar here and there because I was being lazy. So, by putting commas between the names of my six children who had become injured whilst playing on the swing set I built them without reading the "instrukon manoowels" because it was too complicated for me to comprehend. And I properly capitalized their names, dammit.

 

They didn't respond and they had to know I was bullshitting because no one is that stupid and then the proper grammar was probably a dead give away. Don't bullshit a bullshitter, huh?

 

Well that was fun.

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@ The emperor: o.o

 

Here's another one:
 

 

 

Contract of 18.6million.Contact me [email address removed] 

 

 

 

Contract of WHAT? What am I doing for this 18.6 million?

This is probably the worst email I've gotten yet.

Edited to add: that was the entire email, too.

Edited by writeandshiny

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My wife thinks my penis is too small. 

 

I am a straight, single, cisgendered female. 

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I delete mine too...

 

"Do you want to talk to hot sexy females in your area?"

"She wont believe her eyes - enlargement pills that actually work."

"Gina is hot for you, x x x , send a reply now!"

 

I'm also female. Straight. :')

Has anyone ever had those conversations on msn where a spam person adds you and its just an automated response. Used to have some real fun with those. :')

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