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I'll never heal this way


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Today I went to Michael's to get some crafting stuff and just to look around.

I went down to look at the jewelry and I went down the first lane and it literally took my breath away and I literally mean literally.

I hadn't been down Michael's jewelry aisle since I made the necklace to remember my loss in THE miscarriage.

(I have to differentiate this miscarriage from the other four. It isn't that the other four didn't matter, the last one put me in the hospital because of how much I blamed myself. This one was different though, the other four came just after I found out I was pregnant. No biggie, it would have just been a late period if I didn't have a little stick with a pink + to go with it. [This is a long assed fucking aside] We weren't trying, we weren't in a place where we would be good parents. This pregnancy came after three other miscarriages so I didn't think I had a chance. I told my husband and he asked what I wanted to do. We had our lives together, I had a good job and he had job security. But I had a history of loss so no reason to rush to the docs. So I said we'll wait and see. We waited, more to the point I waited he forgot. Each week that crept by filled me with a little more hope. Then 11 weeks passed and I thought, maybe, finally. I didn't see a doc at all during that waiting so four days later when I miscarried well, maybe it was my fault.)

Just going there to someplace as innocent as Michael's and having the pain come back so deep and so raw. I need to get a handle on this.

Like I said I waited and he forgot so he has never known. To this day I haven't told him. He never asked about it while we were waiting. I don't know if it even mattered to him. So I didn't say anything to him. I haven't said anything to him in 5 years.

He is now firmly in the no kids camp. I'm in that camp to, but not for strong reasons. Mostly I'm in the no kids camp because I can't have kids. I have a genetic disorder that causes me to miscarry and if  I don't miscarry carrying to term is dangerous it could kill me. I don't think I would be a good mother with all my issues. And I'm not financially able to support a kid while I'm on SSDI.

I have planned on talking to my tdoc about this but haven't brought it up. But this is twice now in such a short time that I have been so deeply affected by it. I need to talk to someone. Husband or tdoc, seems like tdoc is the best choice because he isn't personally involved.


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