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[Mod.Edit: This thread contains potentially triggering anger-related material.]

who needs extinct northern european duodecimal systems and million year old starlight when there's reality television and singles one-on-one text messaging?

everyone is boring. everyone is dead. no one grows. no one hates. no one feels anything anymore. all i see is shells of people... walking around without destination and without meaning.

regardless of what evidence may come forth, the mitochondrial Eve theory is bullshit. not in the sense that it is physically false, but in the sense that though i share the vast majority of my genetic structure with these other animals, we share nothing else.

the word "frustration" became meaningless a long time ago. who knows? who cares? no one. everyone is void. neurotransmitters can eat my non-Jewish, non-Gentile, non-gay, non-straight, non-bisexual, non-asexual, non-theist, non-atheist non-existent ass. how am i supposed to "heal" and "readjust" when the "normal" people around me are fucked up worse than i am?

you have no idea how fucking angry i am right now. how angry i always am. how fucking painful it is to be, indeed, completely and totally alone in every sense of the word. no one around me is anything like me and consequently i want nothing to do with them. my social worker calls that "isolation" and says it's "generally not good". he wears a band around his left ring finger and an innocent smile on his face: clearly he has never had to deal with anything even remotely resembling what i am dealing with. how can presume to know or understand ANYTHING?

i want HATRED tattooed up and down my body in every language and every script ever to circulate this shithole of a planet. i want to HURT people. people. people. people. the kind that always have something to say, but know absolutely nothing. the kind that find themselves to be superior to the mammals around them because variables INDEPENDENT OF THEIR ACTIONS. i want to pin down and slash the eyes and heart out of every Right-Wing politician, every abortion clinic bomber, every gutless, spineless, brainless proponent of INTELLIGENT DESIGN (the very existence of said individuals precludes any existence of an INTELLIGENT DESIGNER).

-i want to breathe smoke-

all i ever do is scream unto deaf ears or unto nothingness. no matter how many pills i pop per day or how much i-d-i-o-t counseling i receive, i'm still going to be fucking alone. al-one. all-one. one in all and all in one. everything else is -otherness-. BAR-BAR-ISM. literally something that speaks a language totally alien to me.

the best part of all of this is that i'm STABLE RIGHT NOW. STABLE. LITHIUM'D UP REEEEEAL GOOD MASSA. I AM HATRED; I AM SIN; I AM THE MOTHER

FUCKING

WIN.

life is not worth living.

i want to kill off most of this fucking planet right now and right here.

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the best part of all of this is that i'm STABLE RIGHT NOW.
Scarcely. You expressed a desire to mutilate people (some for having the audacity to be theists). "Stable" is the ability to regard the babbling mongoloids surrounding you with a detached contempt--even bemusement. 

my social worker calls that "isolation" and says it's "generally not good"

Yeah, they're helpful, eh? You need to find a cute one. BS doesn't annoy when it comes from a pretty face.

This guy was more isolated than you. I read him when I'm feeling especially misanthropic. This guy was pretty isolated, too. I listen to him when I hate the world. Solitary types have produced some modest accomplishments.  ;)

==============================================

(Insert mandatory generic line about telling your p-doc about the mixed-state you're UNDOUBTABLY experiencing)

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A person after my own heart.  See, you aren't alone.

every gutless, spineless, brainless proponent of INTELLIGENT DESIGN (the very existence of said individuals precludes any existence of an INTELLIGENT DESIGNER).

At least you don't live in Kansas.  I live next door and the draft from the sucking of reason from the world can get kind of chilly.

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Hi Myrkky,

Yes, Kansas is leading the way to the second dark ages, but we have hope that the Flying Spaghetti Monster will turn things around.    ;)

As far as your mood, I hear a burning rage, and a terrible despair. This does seem like a mix, doesn't it.  This isn't a comfortable place as you state. Do give you Pdoc a call and let him know what is going on.

I can relate very well to the feeling of not being around people when I feel bad. And yes, my therapist and Pdoc tell me the same thing about needing to be around people. It isn't easy. not easy.  And yet, when I am around people, even when it is difficult, I am always amazed what a lift it gives me for a day or two.

Your comments about the feeling of meaningless of life exactly match mine (when I'm down). I've spent a lot of time over the last year and a half pondering that.  But I see now that when I am thinking those thoughts I am depressed.  When the meds are working right for me I don't really think like that.  And I don't allow myself to go there.  No sense in triggering a fall.

Now, I don't mean to disparage any of your legitimate frustrations with life. I don't see how people can get up smiling, whistling and happy.  I don't see how two people can even survive being married and having to deal with each other for more than a few days with out needing to escape to protective isolation.

Intellectually I do understand.  Its my illness.  The BP when uncontrolled runs my emotions and how I feel about the world. After my third mixed state incident last month I kicked up the meds and did my best to hold on and not let the rage get the better of me. The best part of this is that I am starting to get the understanding and the confidence that I have the tools to keep from having the BP run away with me.

You need to know and understand that your BP is making you think and feel so bad.  This is not normal, and the world, and your life is not this bleak.

You need to call your Pdoc, tell them that you are probably in a mixed state and that it is URGENT that you see the doc. It will probably take a med adjustment or something additional, but it will be worth it to have things calm down.

Let us know how you are doing.

A.M.

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Heya myrkkyhammas,

Sounds like a combination of crappy-life syndrome and a severe mixed episode to me.

I remember thinking some of those thoughts during mixed manias also.

Especially when my life also sucked on the video replay (ie. also sucked to outside observers).

Talk to your psych and/or call whatever crisis team is available.

Meds can't fix the crappy life.  But they *can* tone down the BP monster that's making you think this way.

I'm banking on this myself.

Hang in there.

--ncc--

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i want to kill off most of this fucking planet right now and right here.

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

Bad day eh.  That doesn't sound like the words of a well adjusted individual.  Sounds like mixed episode to me too.  Been there.  It sucks.

PBF

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Guest PinkToo2grrl

everyone is boring. everyone is dead. no one grows. no one hates. no one feels anything anymore. all i see is shells of people... walking around without destination and without meaning.
ayup, 99.99% of them

you have no idea how fucking angry i am right now. how angry i always am. how fucking painful it is to be, indeed, completely and totally alone in every sense of the word.
au contaire.  i know.  i wish i didnt but i do.

no one around me is anything like me and consequently i want nothing to do with them.
my life story.

i'm coming late to this BP party, i never knew the rage was a BP thing.

you're not so alone.  i could have written everyword myself, just gets stupid to post the whole damn post and say yeah me too.

idk.  i keep trying.  some days i dont know why.  some days i do.  some days, i am right were you are in this post.

cabin in the woods looks real good on those days.  also good thing machine guns strapped to the hood of my car arent legal on those days too.  cuz inevitably, i flip back to not hating so very much.

here's to the not hating days.  my depakote has made em fewer and more far between for me. 

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Sounds like your not having very much fun.  I know that feeling.

I've no advice, but I do have a book recommendation that touches on a lot of what you were going on about in your rant and might distract you from regarding all of human kind as worthy of being boiled in oil.

Rober Wright "The Moral Animal".  Or maybe Richard Dawkins "The Blind Watchmaker"

Hope you chill soon.  Feel free to continue ranting.

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i believe i understand at least a part of the violence you feel towards the parts of the planet you can try to hurt.

myself, i ground, utterly (ideally slash hopefully) with the natural environment i hike through (on a daily basis). hate in me is often focussable on an individual (regardless of their deserving it). i walk in a forest. for ME it can work. but not always. on my long nature walks i have wound up  so angry i feel dizzyingly nauseous. but i've not yet puked because of that.

from what i've read, you sound overwhelmed by a lot of different things. being overwhelmed is a really common thing. but it doesn't have to rule you or embarass you. understanding and recognising it is huge.

good luck and take care,

grouse.

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who needs extinct northern european duodecimal systems and million year old starlight when there's reality television and singles one-on-one text messaging?

everyone is boring. everyone is dead. no one grows. no one hates. no one feels anything anymore. all i see is shells of people... walking around without destination and without meaning.

regardless of what evidence may come forth, the mitochondrial Eve theory is bullshit. not in the sense that it is physically false, but in the sense that though i share the vast majority of my genetic structure with these other animals, we share nothing else.

the word "frustration" became meaningless a long time ago. who knows? who cares? no one. everyone is void. neurotransmitters can eat my non-Jewish, non-Gentile, non-gay, non-straight, non-bisexual, non-asexual, non-theist, non-atheist non-existent ass. how am i supposed to "heal" and "readjust" when the "normal" people around me are fucked up worse than i am?

you have no idea how fucking angry i am right now. how angry i always am. how fucking painful it is to be, indeed, completely and totally alone in every sense of the word. no one around me is anything like me and consequently i want nothing to do with them. my social worker calls that "isolation" and says it's "generally not good". he wears a band around his left ring finger and an innocent smile on his face: clearly he has never had to deal with anything even remotely resembling what i am dealing with. how can presume to know or understand ANYTHING?

i want HATRED tattooed up and down my body in every language and every script ever to circulate this shithole of a planet. i want to HURT people. people. people. people. the kind that always have something to say, but know absolutely nothing. the kind that find themselves to be superior to the mammals around them because variables INDEPENDENT OF THEIR ACTIONS. i want to pin down and slash the eyes and heart out of every Right-Wing politician, every abortion clinic bomber, every gutless, spineless, brainless proponent of INTELLIGENT DESIGN (the very existence of said individuals precludes any existence of an INTELLIGENT DESIGNER).

-i want to breathe smoke-

all i ever do is scream unto deaf ears or unto nothingness. no matter how many pills i pop per day or how much i-d-i-o-t counseling i receive, i'm still going to be fucking alone. al-one. all-one. one in all and all in one. everything else is -otherness-. BAR-BAR-ISM. literally something that speaks a language totally alien to me.

the best part of all of this is that i'm STABLE RIGHT NOW. STABLE. LITHIUM'D UP REEEEEAL GOOD MASSA. I AM HATRED; I AM SIN; I AM THE MOTHER

FUCKING

WIN.

life is not worth living.

i want to kill off most of this fucking planet right now and right here.

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

I just noticed you live in Raleigh. There's your problem! I used to live there too. It blows!.  I swear sometimes that rage feels GREAT!!!!! Often it is not conducive to staying unincarcerated or alive. Depending on your point of view that may be a good thing or not. Anyway, you write well so you've got that going for you. I just got off a mixed state where I felt much like you describe and this was while I was taking my lithium (which I hate taking as it dulls me but must nevertheless) I required a few mgs of Risperdal to get straightened out (at least I hope I am). You might talk to your doc about that.

All that rage can be really draining.

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On the topic of wiping out humanity in one fell swoop, has anyone read Coupland's Girlfriend in a Coma?  If anyone wants to discuss it, I'll start a new thread in Whatever.

Every time I read the opening lines of your post, Myrkkyhammas, my immediate thought is "aww, you too?"  I think my friends were attempting to set me up on a double date with a perfectly nice guy Sunday afternoon; I snarled at him about how the Earth has been destroyed and all of humanity must die.  Nice.  *ahem*  I don't do small talk.  I think I'm allergic 'cause it makes me break out in a rage.

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i want HATRED tattooed up and down my body in every language and every script ever to circulate this shithole of a planet. i want to HURT people. people. people. people. the kind that always have something to say, but know absolutely nothing. the kind that find themselves to be superior to the mammals around them because variables INDEPENDENT OF THEIR ACTIONS. i want to pin down and slash the eyes and heart out of every Right-Wing politician, every abortion clinic bomber, every gutless, spineless, brainless proponent of INTELLIGENT DESIGN (the very existence of said individuals precludes any existence of an INTELLIGENT DESIGNER).

-i want to breathe smoke-

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

Exactly EXACTLY.

I want BACK THE FUCK OFF  tattooed on me.  The forehead would be ideal.

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Man is but a breath and his days a fleeting shadow.  I don't deny that.  We won't last.  But we're here now, and in the context of now, I think your state is significant. 

Bipolar stable is euthymia, that spot between depression, mania, anxiety and rage, like the white in the center of a light color wheel.  This kind of rage is nowhere near the center.  It can't last forever. 

Your rage sounds powerful enough to break.  Bad sign.  Call pdoc.  Whatever your lithium serum level, it is not enough to control this in you.  You need another med.  Take your Zyprexa.  Call your psychiatrist. 

If some of this is from outside things, namely stupid people, your tdoc can help you control this angle, but I think you need to tweak your meds first.

This is not stable.  Cut it down to size before harm results. 

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