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feeling worthless, useless, hopeless


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Sorry for posting without responding recently.  I just need some support.

I just moved to a new town on a new coast, and I'm living with new people.  I'm subletting from a friend.  I've been here less than a week, and by my count, from both craigslist and pounding pavement, I've applied for about twenty jobs.  I have one interview tomorrow.  I feel like I will suck at all of them.  I feel scared, but most of all, I feel worthless.

 

It was triggered by something, but it probably has been building for awhile b/c I stopped my meds.  Why did I stop my meds, you ask?  Because I felt better.  Indeed, it seems like a mere week ago I couldn't have dreamed of being depressed I am.  But, c'est la vie.

 

What triggered this was ridiculous.  I overheard, this morning, a new housemate complaining about something loudly...lots of cursing....I tried to ignore it but it got louder and I went into the kitchen.   He then turned to me and chewed me out for not closing the shower door all the way after a shower.  I felt scared and worthless, and it reminded me of my abusive ex.  The guy was cool later, I apologized again and he said not to worry about it but now I feel afraid.  The back gate is old and rusty, and as I was opening it some intrical part fell off.  I didn't say anything because I don't know what to say.  I'm scared I'll be blamed, that I'll be kicked out, that I'll be homeless.

 

At least if this was happening back in my old home, I would be able to go to the local pub and maybe run into friends and vent and feel better.  Here, I'm alone.  And if I'm so worthless that I can make my housemates hate me in less than a week, then how can I possibly succeed at a job?    I have a master's degree and I feel u nqualified to wash dishes...like the foremen or bosses or whomever will see through me to what a true loser and real failure I am.

 

A good friend, an old prof, mentioned he might be around on the day before I left and he'd hit me up.  He didn't.  I can't stop crying over this which I know is pathetic and ridiculous, I just feel like this is going to be hell, that nobody will ever find out that I read cool books and I am a talented poet and I am an empathetic and smart and caring person because all they will see is the fact that I'm ugly and the fact that I am a retarded piece of nervous anxious shit.   I just feel so terrible, I feel like dying, I haven't felt this bad in awhile and I just needed to reach out.  I just feel like I am a worthless mistake who oeaked in grad school and is consigned to a life of worthless misery.

 

 

Thanks for listening.

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You're not worthless. Everyone has worth. You also identified some things about yourself that you like, 

 

 

 I read cool books and I am a talented poet and I am an empathetic and smart and caring person 

 

Look at that. 

 

It's normal to feel overwhelmed about moving, it's one of that most stressful things you can do. Don't be so hard on yourself, you just did something huge, something energy draining, you moved to a whole other coast! It's good that you've gotten a job interview (someone has noticed you out of all the other applicants), I hope that you get it / or that the interview went well, check in and tell us. 

 

About the meds, it sounds like they could help you feel calmer, you sound terribly anxious. Can you start taking them? Get into see a doctor? Call your old one that provided the meds?

 

Honestly that guys sounds like an obsessive jerk. You didn't close the shower door right, big deal. That sounds pedantic, I wouldn't notice that if my room mates did that. Please don't be fearful, but if he makes you feel scared in any way separate yourself from the situation, and if necessary call the police. You pay rent there, did you sign a contract? It's hard to evict someone if you have.

 

Being homesick is normal. It eases up over time. Can you call up your friends, it sounds like you could do with supportive people around you, even if they can't physically be there.

 

I understand the feeling of no one is ever going to hire me. But it's simply not true, if you put yourself out there, eventually something will happen. But sometimes there are things beyond our control, but you're doing the best you can. You're applying, and that's always productive. Also you have an interview!

 

I'm sorry you couldn't see your old friend. There might have been circumstances beyond his control, so theres really no point blaming yourself for things like that.

 

About your appearances, I don't care what you look like, after you get to know someone and you like them, you just don't give a damn what they look like. Just how everyone things that their partner / children / friends are the most beautiful people to ever exist, when well, statistically this can't be true! How someone is as a person is of far more significance then the colour of your eyes or the shape of your body. You are a person that has a body, you are not your body. 

 

I assure you, things won't feel this bad forever, you've got lots of changes to get accustomed to and you've got some great things going for you, and deep down you know that, depression has a way of masking these kind of truths from our brain. 

 

Keep us updated please, I hope you feeling better soon.

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Laboo is totally right! You were able to identify some good things about yourself! Keep those in mind always! And you have your master's degree? That is something to cherish and celebrate your huge accomplishment!  Good for you!

 

I'm sorry you feel so alone right now. Come here for support as much as you need to! We all have our times of need, so don't worry about not being able to respond to posts right now.

 

Let us know about your job interview. I hope it goes really well.

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Laboo gave you some great advice.

 

I would like to reiterate that it sounds like you could use some medication.  Anxiety and depression suck and if meds help you than I would seek out someone who can prescribe them.

 

And, yes, keep in mind those positive things that you see in yourself.  Hold on to them and believe in them.

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Thanks for your thoughtful replies.  I feel a bit better this morning--I cried my eyes out yesterday and that helps.  I still have that feeling of despair but I am hoping it lessens.  I'm just very different from the people I live with...I wasn't raised to be eco-green-vegan-sustainable and when I ask a stupid question like "where do you guys throw your garbage away" and I get a condescending eyeroll and a "see, we try not really to MAKE garbage, we try to use everything, to be sustainable" which is ok, but  just was asking about the trash can!  I felt useless and stupid, I felt like a giant freak.   I feel like it was a mistake to move here, nobody is blue collar, everyone is eco this and pc that and I am progressive, to an extent, and very left, but I just feel like I'm too retarded to fit in over here.

 

I am hoping the interview goes well.  I'm actually scared to take a shower..

 

The thing is I'm subletting in a place where subletting isn't really allowed.  My friend didn't tell me that.  So, these guys are like "oh, people are coming to look at the house Saturday, don't mention that you are living here", and then I say "ok, I'll just make myself scarce" and they say "oh, well, you should meet the people you might be living with."  WTF.  If I am going to be here in a month, when these prospective people move in, won't they notice that I am still here?  I mentioned this and was told that I "think too much."  I just feel like a piece of worthless disgusting Philadelphia trash.  I hope to god nothing terrible happens.

 

I actually think I am going to call off this interview.  I've never done this sort of job before and if I screw up  or look stupid I am sure it will just make me freak out.    Plus the job is in a bad area so if I screw up and start hating myself it would be too easy to figure out a place to score... I fucking miss the people who care whether I live or die, I feel like people  here kind of think I deserve to...

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Just got off the phone with social services to get set up with a pdoc and tdoc.  No sense in dragging this out longer than it has to go.   I DO have moments of lucidity.   So, I am going to shower, get dressed, get on the bus, go to this interview, go home, send out another application, and then spend the day in bed.  The people I live with probably aren't judging me as much as I think they are, I probably am overthinking things.  And of course I miss my old friends but how would getting suicidal and spiraling down again make them happy?  It wouldn't.  So I have to be proactive and tell myself that if things seem shitty now, they'll get better later.

 

And that killing myself over hospital medical debt collector calls isn't a valid response.   Especially since in PA they cant arrest you for it and the bills were accrued in PA.  Not my fault we don't have affordable healthcare in this country.

 

AND one of my housemates saw a letter from medical assistance, made a remark about me getting on the dole so early and I lied and said I  had epilepsy because I am a stupid piece of shit.  Because I was scared he would judge me for my MI.  Then I had to answer a bunch of questions about epilepsy.  I suck.

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cross post so edited since you did or are doing most everything I was suggesting.

 

You sound like you have your shit together better than it might feel. I'd be a stressed mess.

 

I told my old boss that I had epilepsy because I had to explain some cognitive issues from an anticonvulsant. It was easier than chancing the stigma. I think you little white lie was fine, even smart. You don't really know these people.

Edited by AnneMarie
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