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Okay, I just posted this in my blog (not verbatim) but I don't think anyone reads it anyway, and at the time I was recording it for personal reference mostly, but then I thought like, hey, maybe I should ask someone about this! So I will try to be coherent, this has been difficult today.

 

Alright, I had a reason to stop taking Lithium like maybe a couple of weeks ago. Yes, on my own, without doctors orders. I know this was probably not the BEST idea on earth, but people do it, it happens. I should not have, maybe, I don't know.

 

So after that I was really, really irritable for a while. I had been in a BAD MOOD for a couple of months or some shit, I'm not sure on time frame here, seemed like a while and that was before I stopped taking meds. But it was NOT depression, I know that. I know the difference.

 

Anyway, yeah, irritable for a few weeks. Then a week ago, suddenly I'm in a very unusually good mood because if I'm stable, it's really not a HAPPY feeling necessarily, just not a bad feeling. So actual GOOD mood. Cool, but unusual, like I said. Still nothing to raise any flags.

 

So I've felt a bit sharper in the past few days, laughing like a moron at stupid shit (I don't laugh a lot. I have a sense of humor, don't get me wrong, but I have to find something absolutely HILARIOUS to laugh out loud. I find shit funny, but I don't laugh at it is what I'm saying) and that's not normal.

 

Okay, it gets better, hang on.

 

If I can describe it. Shit. So I actually stopped taking the Lamictal as well, this was an accident, but I don't know how many days I can go NEGLECTING to call in my script and STILL claim that it's an accident. So, not so much now, about four days later, maybe?

 

I drank enough over the weekend not to note anything really unusual.

 

But I didn't drink today and I feel fucking WEIRD.

 

Maybe it's withdrawal? Could be a symptom. I mean, it's kinda like how I've been hypo in the past, I'm just not SUPER HAPPY or anything. I'm not really irritable, just on edge, I guess? Sensory overload is annoying me because if there are a million things going on in my head at any given moment and two things going on around me, I'm just lost. Not mad or confused, or anything, uncomfortable really. Kinda anxious.

 

My head has this tingly feeling. I don't want to sleep today (slept fine recently, so going to bed tonight will be the test, but I took 20mg of valium to make that happen) usually I DO want to sleep. And I am SO hungry but I just know that I'd probably throw up if I ate anything, so I don't? What the hell is that?

 

I can't think well because I'm probably trying to think of everything at once or something and that isn't working for me. Sigh.

 

And I've been surfing the web for an hour since the little one went to bed. I've had the same computer for a year and now I just keep thinking that it is HUGE for some reason. Either it got larger (impossible) or I never noticed how large it is until now and THAT'S creeping me out because, I don't know, I would think shit like that on shrooms and I have not eaten any of those for a while.

 

So, sorry about this.

 

QUESTIONS:

 

Does this mean anything? Withdrawal? Maybe starting weird mania crap? I can't tell. It's only happened a few times before and for me, it's hard to detect until I'm REALLY REALLY WEIRD. So I don't know.

 

Not bugging my life up much at all so it's probably okay, right?

 

And while I'm certain that taking my meds tonight (I filled one script, we just have to go get it) is probably best, is it possible that if I take them now I won't feel like such a freak tomorrow? 

 

I probably know the answer, but should I worry about this shit or not? 

 

Okay, really sorry. I know this is dumb as fuck and long, but if anyone has had anything similar and can tell me something about it, I'd like that. I know you aren't doctors, not asking for that. Just something. I don't know. help!

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Probably withdrawals and maybe the start of rebound hypo/mania. Sudden discontinuation of meds can lead to that. Restarting meds should help. Not sure if you've off Lamictal long enough to need to start at a lower dose and go up slowly. Would be a good idea to call your doc on that. Don't worry so much about saying you stopped. As you said, it happens. Docs shouldn't be shocked by it. Good luck.

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Thanks. The Valium seemed to help a bit. I hadn't taken that for a couple of days either. Shit. I messed this up and hopefully get back on track shortly. Just not my usual self and I think I'm annoying/offending people left and right because I don't shut my mouth. Not cool.

 

I just took the Lamictal anyway! Oops! I didn't really care about how long I've been off it, I just wanted to calm the hell down. Didn't know if that would help or not.

 

I see another new p-doc Wednesday, so not looking forward to that because he might think I do this all the time when I've only done it twice in like, six years.

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I didn't quite get all of the details (sorry, my head hurts), but it sounds like you need to call your pdoc ASAP. I know I've been out of the loop with you, but could quitting the meds be a symptom of hypo/mania?

 

My pdoc said if I missed the Lamictal for up to 4 days, I could just start taking it again, without any adjustments. I don't know what your pdoc would think about that. I'm sorry if I am getting confused by the sequence of events.

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Be careful with stopping A/C's cold turkey, it could result in a seizure. It's not likely, but it can happen. After a couple days, its less likely. http://www.crazyboards.org/forums/index.php/topic/2763-why-you-dont-go-off-of-acs-cold-turkey/

Definitely get in touch with a pdoc. You shouldn't be altering your meds without their opinion.

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I know I shouldn't have done this. So unusual for me. So, I don't know what I'm doing. It's dumb.

 

I have a damn appointment on Wednesday! I feel pretty dumb for even posting this now. I forgot that this was like, meaningless because of that. I could call, but I can wait as well, I guess. I'm fine, or pretending to be is going sort of alright, so that's something?

 

Wish food sounded okay. I haven't eaten for 36 hours maybe. That's odd for me. Flavor of anything is gross. This sucks. Will mention all of it to the new man/woman tomorrow.

 

Thanks for input. I know this is terrible. I feel dumb about it all. I always do when I post! I should stop! I'm sorry. Thank you guys, though. Sorry I'm not doing well enough to respong appropriately. Guess we all have moments? Sigh. Yeah, sorry.

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Feeling dumb and kicking ourselves solves nothing.  Not that we don't feel it but lots of smart people told me to lay off kicking myself for a volatile and impulsive disease.  Like , uh.....one of the symptoms is impulsiveness, and you wonder why you're impulsive?  Go a bit easier on yourself, get to the doc and get straightened out.

 

Your description sounds too  close to home for me.  Quitting lith cuz I couldn't deal with the side effects for so little benefit.....went unmedded, drank......went back to lamictal, and once or twice? tapered too quick cuz , yeah I  couldn't refill or afford it.  The Lamictal gave me twitches and electric shocks in my body really fast. No convulsions.....

 

Keep in mind too that booze hangovers, is basically withdrawal. Its a strange drug that produces hangovers after one night out, but it does.  So lamictal w/d and a hangover....? 

 

I hear that to get back with the lamictal you have to titrate again.  You pdoc will answer that though for sure. Right now, you're on an icy road going 75mph and hoping slamming on the brakes might stop more damage.  But cars on ice don't stop when you do that....they skid.  Not to mention that the panic of the  driver makes it worse.  Like I said, its almost hearing my own story over again.  Heres to getting things straightened out....keep us posted.

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Feeling dumb and kicking ourselves solves nothing.  Not that we don't feel it but lots of smart people told me to lay off kicking myself for a volatile and impulsive disease.  Like , uh.....one of the symptoms is impulsiveness, and you wonder why you're impulsive?  Go a bit easier on yourself, get to the doc and get straightened out.

 

Your description sounds too  close to home for me.  Quitting lith cuz I couldn't deal with the side effects for so little benefit.....went unmedded, drank......went back to lamictal, and once or twice? tapered too quick cuz , yeah I  couldn't refill or afford it.  The Lamictal gave me twitches and electric shocks in my body really fast. No convulsions.....

 

Keep in mind too that booze hangovers, is basically withdrawal. Its a strange drug that produces hangovers after one night out, but it does.  So lamictal w/d and a hangover....? 

 

I hear that to get back with the lamictal you have to titrate again.  You pdoc will answer that though for sure. Right now, you're on an icy road going 75mph and hoping slamming on the brakes might stop more damage.  But cars on ice don't stop when you do that....they skid.  Not to mention that the panic of the  driver makes it worse.  Like I said, its almost hearing my own story over again.  Heres to getting things straightened out....keep us posted.

 

Yup. You're right. Exactly what I did.

 

Drinking is not the best idea, I know that. Just at the point where I need to calm down or feel. . . different.

 

I'll just say whatever I believe is true at the time of the appointment.

 

I don't know then if I should just stop taking the Lamictal again? I've taken it for two days and I'm okay, but I don't know how wise that is. At most, I think that it was four days that I was off it.

 

Hangover is fun right now on maybe 7-8 hours of SLEEP in the past two days! I would have slept all day today if I could, but the little one got up SUPER early because we have guests that are waking up early so. . .

 

I'm doing well (for me) at faking the "doing OKAY" shit! But yeah, might not go so well when I have to hang out with kid's grandma later. Sigh. Nice lady, but yeah, TOO nice.

 

Ugh. Life is FUN now! At least I'm handling it I guess.

 

Thank you all. I'll probably update when I see the new p-doc as well. 

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Saw a new p-doc. He was nice and all, I rather liked him. Just updating this. I like to do that.

 

Uh, I felt okay today, pretty good. I finally ate yesterday after like, 49 hours or some shit I think. I COULD do it, so I did. And I didn't get sick like I had thought I would the past couple of days, hence why I was not eating. Weird. I think I'm fine, again so. . . that's cool? And strange about all this. I'm wondering if there's anything wrong with me at all. Ha ha.

 

So I explained what happened not too specifically and seems like I got my point across well enough. He said that I should always call before stopping a med and that going off twice on my own in six years isn't many times at all and he was nice about that, so cool. 

 

He said no more lithium based on what I described as perceived side effects, then we're upping the lamictal to 200mg in the next month. Going down to 15mg Valium per day (YAY! I may be off this shit one day!) 

 

And then I was asking about the Lamictal controlling the manic symptoms because I've been on it before and had them, so I was worried and knew that it doesn't always take care of that, so he added a small dose of Geodon, which is one I've never tried! He tried to re-assure me about the weight gain, but I'm not convinced because that's what they said about the fucking Abilify and I still gained 40-50lbs on that. DAMN. So I guess I'm doing just 20-40mg of Geodon until I see him again in 6 weeks.

 

He did not say what happened to me in the time frame that I was "weird" so I still don't know what that was, I didn't ask. 

 

Anyway, it went fine, we're trying to treat everything and hopefully it actually works. I wouldn't mind being hypo if it was always happy and good and not irritating and alarming, so I'm taking the damn Geodon I guess to keep the irritating annoying mania shit away. For now. I WILL call if I stop a med. I will. usually do anyway.

 

Thanks for listening to me while I'm pretty insane and offering advice, I really appreciate that, people.

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One of the dangers of going on and off meds is that if you set yourself up to become treatment resistant. Not psychologically so, as in "I don't want to take meds," but as in fewer meds will actually work for you. And then you're up a certain creek without a paddle. Try to bear that in mind when you get these urges in the future.

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One of the dangers of going on and off meds is that if you set yourself up to become treatment resistant. Not psychologically so, as in "I don't want to take meds," but as in fewer meds will actually work for you. And then you're up a certain creek without a paddle. Try to bear that in mind when you get these urges in the future.

 

I mean, it's a good idea, in theory to consider all the reasons I shouldn't go off meds and I pretty much always end up staying on them unless stuff is interfering heavily with my life or is unbearable. This is why I've managed to only go off on my own twice, because it's generally a bad idea all around. If I didn't know that at all, I wouldn't be on anything that had side effects. . .ever.

 

But the two times I went off meds that were keeping me stable, I didn't care about the CONS. . . any of them. It didn't matter for some reason. I wish I could say that I'll always be compliant, but I've thought that before and found it to not be true. 

 

The way I see it, the best I can do is try.

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