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Opinions on stay at home moms?

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Another topic inspired by a blog post, ha ha. I need a bunch of fucking input lately, I guess!


Sorry if this one's been done before.


I just want to know what you all think about stay at home moms? Any and all opinions. All welcome. No offense will be taken, I swear.


I am one, that's why I said that. Have been for almost six years now.


And yesterday, my dad (who lives with us) actually witnessed my kid being in one of those horrible moods that she seems to only get in around ME ALONE for the most part.


So later he told me I was a saint and that he can't believe that I stay sane if I deal with that a few times a week. It is often more than that. He got a headache from it like I do. She can be. . . a handful. I thought anyway.


But after he said that, I was just like, wow. I seriously may be doing something worthy of respect?


Honestly. I've spent all these years thinking that this made me a lazy sack of shit and that I'm just lucky that I'm ABLE to stay at home with her all day! That's what SO says all the time anyway.


So I didn't know. I mean, yeah, I certainly have respect for other stay at home moms! I can't imagine being one to more than one kid.


I just don't feel like it's ever really cool to complain, especially not to SO because he thinks I'm turning it into a pissing contest and is all "Try having the pressure of taking care of a family on your back" and I get that, that WOULD suck.


He never said thanks or like. . . NO ONE ever made me feel like I personally was respect worthy.


So I spent this whole time thinking I'm really not and kinda feeling bad about it, but not making a huge deal over it, right? This is just how it is, I stay home, I do NOTHING, like okay. That makes sense that no one says thanks or anything. Or acknowledges it. So I just thought that it wasn't something that I SHOULD get respect for, you know? Does that make sense.


I didn't even think it was possible until yesterday. Never crossed my mind that no one ever respected this because I didn't think much of it. And then when someone actually DOES acknowledge what I do, it's like, WHOA! This is something worthy of mentioning?


So like, IS IT? I'm not on a high horse at this point over it. Just kinda happy and then weird and sad too.


I'm honestly not feeling too bad for myself either, I just want to know.


So what do you think about this "job?" Like I said, you can slam me if you want, I actually understand that perspective. Anyone have it before? Did people respect you?

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it is definitely worthy of mention.  not everyone is cut out for the job you're doing - many people quit that job to go and work outside the home because they can't handle it.  i stayed home for several years with my daughter too.  she was also an only child, but that doesn't mean it's easy at ALL.  other people's clients might be hard to deal with, but they don't deal with that same client/customer TWENTY FOUR HOURS a day.


i get your SO's reaction.  mine was like that for years.  it sucks, and it's totally invalidating.  funny thing was after my (our) daughter was grown and gone, he finally *got it* and apologized for never stepping up and doing more of the work (even though he was the one who worked elsewhere all day, too).  strange, after all this time, i'm back at home again and have not even looked for work for a year.  he never makes me feel badly for it, and appreciates the housework and cooking i do, and tells me so all the time.  THAT is how it should be.


what you're doing is so valuable that there isn't a price on it.  you get your paycheque in bursts of peace and quiet, and the times when your child laughs uncontrollably, and the times when she does something new, and with those fleeting hugs and "i love yous" that get less frequent as they grow older.  you're not putting the food on her table, but you're feeding her mind and spirit.


your SO needs a bonk on the head with a clue bat.  he's not the only one who has a difficult job.  i've learned, from having the shoe on the other foot, that it's not the job per se that's hard.  it's the giving all your money to your family on payday that's hard.  and it's a selfish kind of hard, like you want some reward to keep to yourself, but you can't.  well, you don't get any selfish reward for what you do, either.

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Being a stay at home mom (or dad) is definitely legit.  It is so good for your child that you're doing this.  While I can understand the way your husband feels, I think that what you do deserves respect. 

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Hey there, 

I'll weigh in. I think Stay at Home Parents are totally doing something worthy of respect. They are under-valued and under-appreciated in our society. It is really hard dealing with kids day-in, day-out, not to mention the household running. It really is. I don't think being a SAHM is lazy at all. . .

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Thanks guys. I just really didn't think that it was really anything noteworthy this entire time until it was brought to my attention the other day that maybe it is. Not like I don't think other stay at home parents deserve respect because I do! I just thought that I personally suck or something? It's weird. When I do something, my reaction: "So what?" other people do the same thing: "Neat! Good job!" Ha ha.


I don't think there's any contest between what I do and what he does. Yes, he gets NOTHING from the money he makes. Nothing at all. He does buy me random stuff on occasion if I ask. But just little shit, not like I'm asking for the moon ever. Maybe a new shirt or pants in a year, I guess? But I feel awful about it when I do.


Eh. It IS important, I recognize that. Helping to shape a person and make sure they turn out dencently? Yeah. Guess it is.

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I've been a SAHM and I absolutely loved it. Prior to her birth I had all these plans and they all changed when we came home from the hospital. I wanted to hold her 24/7. But other people did too and that gave me some time to do creative stuff. I feel completely blessed.


THE THOUGHT (of having another one) has crossed my mind. As I've told my kidlet there is no brother or sister unless I get married before the baby comes.


One person who I respect dearly said Im too old, 38, and my eggs will be no good by the time i get married. (whimper and dont talk to that person about it.)


My favorite aunt said I was too crazy (lovingly). And I should check myself before I wreck my self (she thinks she's 13). Note that aunt only had a single daughter.


So back to SAHM - we kick ass if anyone says differently we'll find some kid to help you,


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db- I know wanting another one and not GETTING that because, yup, it happens. I asked for another one and was shot down.


Then I started thinking about how BAD one child can be on occasion at this point and realized that I personally couldn't stay too sane with a second one. Sigh. I still want one in a way though. Held a newborn the other night and all that "I WANT ONE!" shit came back :( 


A lot of women manage to have children into their forties! Your eggs are quite fine for a while, likely. 


Too crazy, eh? A lot of us have kids! AND do well with them! That's really a rude thing to say! 


The "I love it" thing, yeah, I think that may be why I don't hear anything nice about this ever, right? Because very few people can say that they TRULY LOVE THEIR JOB! Ha ha. So, I do something I love everyday. I get to do it at home and I don't have to look like, professional or shit. My hair is insane right now and I wear nothing but sweatpants. That's cool. I'M the boss, right? My "employee" isn't the greatest at times, but I deal with it! He he. Would do anything, so I don't know.


And yeah, staying at home with a mental illness is difficult, at least for me a lot. Only if it's really, really severe can I NOT hide it to a degree and get MOST things I need to do done. But that's the same on any paying job in the workplace for all of us too! 


Just didn't cross my mind ever. No one ever said anything. Didn't think anything of it. 


I've had friends on Facebook (without children, mind you) TOTALLY just dis the stay at home moms! "Don't put that as a JOB on your profile, that is NOT a job!" and shit like that, and then I feel bad. But then I remember that this very OFTEN comes from people who don't have kids.


I just hear more negative things about it in general than positive.


Now, she will be going to kindergarten next year and I will just be at home (or school too!) working hard on getting a degree. SO said that was fine. Ha, if I feel like a loser NOW, I can't imagine in three months what the hell I'm going to think being home all the time with NO kid.


Then it just turns into "house wife." Nothing wrong with that, I just don't like the idea for myself. It's the best thing to do, I think so that I can get a degree and help out more around here within the next year or two (however long it takes me, I would probably HAVE to take a math class ALL by itself because I don't get it and homework and tutoring will likely take up most of my free time. YES for one class.) And that's just the associates! However, I think doors could open after that a bit and if I WANT to keep going with the degree (I do now, we'll see how I feel later) and get all the way where I want to be, I can just take as long as I need, I guess.


Sigh. But yeah, not working this year and being at home all the time without the kid, I may be depressed more than usual! ha ha. I guess that's not really funny because it's probably true. But it was my choice. If I think I can HANDLE a job (unlikely, I haven't done well in the past by ANY means) then I'll get one, I guess. Or try it if I feel like shit. Whatever.


I guess that was slightly off my original topic, oh well. Huh.

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I do not have and have never wanted children, so my perspective is from looking at my mother and the other working and not working outside the house mothers I know.


And I know a lot of women who would go absolutely out of their minds if they didn't have something to do other than stay home with their kids day in and day out. It was horrible for my mother.


And I also know a lot of women who simply can't afford to stay home. Without their families having two incomes, they wouldn't manage to stay middle class, or even in some cases above the poverty line.


So the choices that women and families make about who stays home, who works, how much, they don't seem to me like entirely personal choices but like they're shaped by broader societal forces. I don't think it's anyone's business but the family's. I would not presume to judge.

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Eh, I don't care what society thinks. It CAN be annoying, but ultimately it won't change anything about my life at all. It was a personal decision because it's practical. It would be a waste for me to get a shitty job and use most of that money to pay for VERY GOOD childcare than for me to stay home, bond with my kid and take care of her how I would want to. So we decided to do that instead. I'm fine with it.


But yeah, everyone is different. I'm okay staying home with her, but I've known women to say that they couldn't do it as well. Guess that says something.


But then I see the two income families and don't think I could do that. I'm not good with jobs at all. Never have been. 

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In my place, its just me and the boy.  I don't work and he gets home schooled.  He came to live with me about 4 years ago when he and his mother were about the come to blows.  To everyone's surprise, it worked out great.  He's about to turn 16 and we have a very bachelor like vibe going on in the house.  His sister comes over a lot when their mom is at work and we all just hang out.  There's some education going on, but honestly, if you talk to them everyday, as in you don't let them put televisions, video game consoles and computers in their room, you wind up in the same room together and they tend to learn a great deal from osmosis.  


Its a real informal set up, they come and go from my place to their mother's as whims and schedules work out.  But mostly he lives with me (where all of his stuff is) and his sister lives with their mom (where most of her stuff is).  


It's awesome!  

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I'm sorry you're getting negative feedback about being a SAHM. I've done both, and currently split the difference by working part-time. Each has its pluses and minuses. And I've gotten both positive and negative feedback in either direction. But it really doesn't matter what anyone else thinks. You just have to do what is right for your family. And know that that may change (or not) over time.

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I have been trying to figure out my own opinion on being a stay at home mom, and most recently began the thought process more seriously upcoming my baby fever :P


But I have observed over the years that many people view "stay at home moms" as just that, moms who stay home. Generally society doesn't view women who stay at home as actual workers, and don't view them as having actual jobs. What I have noticed though, is that is what women are "supposed" to do. We are supposed to clean, and cook, bare/raise children. The unfair part of this is that times have changed, and that not only are we "supposed" to be moms/cooks/maids/therapists/doctors/honey will you do/have you seen... but we also "should" contribute to the family money wise. This I have also realized is because in this day in age, most families struggle to stay above the poverty line (as Gearhead mentioned).  Even military class families have to have duel working parents. And this is with free* housing and childcare. We can just not afford the times.


If I had it my way, I would 100 percent be a stay ay home mom. I want to raise my children with my (our) personal views and values, to which not a lot of schools/childcare have these days. I want to be able to home school my children, in a way in most public schools can not. I believe language and creativity is a key in educating children not only to get into college but to succeed way further than just getting good grades. However, being one of those military class families that is just not possible.


Do I believe one way is better or worse than the other? No. They are just different, and what works for one family may not work for another. Some families have special needs children to where the child may need more parent time or maybe they need a certain school that only money can pay for. It really just depends on the family dynamic, what works for them and what they are able to do.



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Right on, Bug. The thought occurred to me as well that, sadly enough, it's not like anyone thinks anything of it because it is kinda where my role as a woman comes in, or how society still sees it, anyway. And that's probably why I never even really thought there was anything good or neat about it at all, from other people's perspectives anyhow. I think it's neat. And like I said, that's the other thing. This is WAY better than being a waitress. Ha ha.


And yes, it was VERY important to us to teach her things ourselves, I suppose. I wanted to know my kid thoroughly, I guess. Not that moms who work don't, I just thought of it as a bonding experience as well, you know? And I get to teach her how to be the kind of person I want to be myself. That only really includes a few things, like respect other people, be a good person, be responsible, have integrity, value yourself. Things like that I guess. I don't know who the day care teachers are! And they have so many kids to focus on! Just was a cool idea to stay at home. Never thought of it as something special, really. Something worthy of respect and that might be due to several factors, but maybe even the biggest one being that yes, it is a woman's role. No one thinks anything of it because, hey, I'm kind of supposed to do this, right? Ah, but being the way I am, I also don't like to fall into hardly ANY categories of stereotypical woman SHIT, if any at all. So there's that.


Oh well. I like it, I just feel like I should kinda stop looking down on myself for it, maybe. Learn to respect this myself.


Wish SO gave a crap, but he sees things the way he does, so whatever.


These replies have been helpful. Gave me a lot to think about, really!

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What I cant seem to make sense of in my mind is we have to PAY someone else(usually another woman) to "mother" our children if we work outside the home. So if it is a non-family member raising your child, there is a monetary value. If its a family member raising your child, there is no monetary value.

I was a SAHM for most of my children's early years. It has been the ONLY time I felt as though I had found my destiny on life!

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