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what am i letting myself in for?


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hi everyone, i started on fluoxetine and counselling a month go, it's the first time i've been on antidepressants. the first time i've cut myself, too. i'm 34 years old, i just moved to a new city and started a postgrad course, and something just brought it on.

anyway, i went out drinking with my housemate on friday. we got quite drunk, and she needed to crash out early. so, i found myself alone in my room, looking at myself in the mirror above the washbasin. i picked up the razor that i use to shave, looked at it, and looked at myself in the mirror. i realised that what i was about to do was pretty heavy stuff, and wondered if i wanted to go there. i did this a couple of times.

then, i picked up the razor, and cut my chest. not to deep (fortunately, it was a safety razor), but enough to leave me with lots of ugly looking weals two days later.

i don't even know why i did it. i sort of want to show my cuts to people, but then again, i don't, 'cos it'll freak them out. 

i just feel that i've let the genie out of the bottle, and i'm wondering where it's going to end up.

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the best thing you can do for yourself right now is to promise yourself that you will bring it up at your next councelling session.  talk it out with your doctor and, rather than worrying about the fact that it happened, focus on the possibilities as to *why* it might have happened.  Self-injury usually springs from intense emotion.  Use your councelling session and future sessions to your advantage to get to the root of the problem.  It is easier to tackle when you try to find out what triggered that action....

take care of yourself

~Ophelia

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Why do you think you have to let the "Genie out of the bottle?"  You don't have to do it again if you don't want to.  It can end right where you ended it. 

Ophelia had a great idea: talk to your counselor about it.  Tell her you don't know why you did it (although my guess is that somewhere in there you DO know why you did it).  Some reasons could be that you just want someone else to know how much pain you are feeling internally (why else would you want to show it to someone?).  Hey, it's nothing to be embarasses about, sometimes we don't know how to tell other people what we are feeling, sometimes we don't know how to ask for help, or we just figure no one would want to help us unless something dramatic happened.

Whatever the reason, you DO deserve to get help.  You deserve to ask for it.  You are a human being, and you feel pretty bad...that's all.  You don't have to do or be anyone other that what you already are...that is quite enough.  Please try to use your words.  If you don't know how, ask your counselor or anyone around you how to use your words instead of your hands.

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