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depression different when cycling?

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i wish i meant cycling like riding a bicycle.  but no.


i'm in the middle of a moderate hypo episode.  mine involve a lot of irritable restlessness, then bursts of I CAN DO ALL THE THINGS, then horrible depression, and add some batshit anxiety in the mix too.  oh and this year, some hallucinations.  whee!  eventually the irritable restlessness turns to rage and inability to be physically still, suicidal depression, and agitation and anxiety that i cannot control at all.


but anyway.  i've noticed that the depression during these times is different somehow.  things are not slowed down like when i'm just plain depressed.  i can't tune out the world like i can when i'm depressed (you know, hiding indoors with the shades drawn and not answering the phone).  i WANT to, but i can't stop being aware of everything happening outside my door.  i don't feel sunken into myself, instead i feel like i've been turned inside out and all the depression is RIGHT THERE for all the world to see, like a layer of raw skin that can't tolerate even the wind blowing.  i cry even in public over really stupid things.  there's no hiding the emotions that come up, but i'm able to look better because i have energy to expend on dressing better and wearing makeup and stuff.


but all my thoughts are the same as regular depression.  i hate myself just as much.  i hate life just as much.  i beat myself up over the same things.  there's just a real DESPERATION about being depressed, like i need it to stop RIGHT NOW.  regular depression usually has me feeling "meh, whatever, i'll be depressed forever and i don't care".  it's not an emergency.  while i'm in this state it feels like an emergency, when it's really not.  i'm not in any danger.  i just have no tolerance at all.


is this common?  is this how depression typically presents during a hypomanic/mixed episode?  i'm having strong impulses to medicate the depression away, like just take a bunch of benzos or smoke a couple of grams of weed, just so i can get to the depression i know so well where i don't care anymore and i can just sleep.  (i know better than to do these things, i just think about it a lot, if i could drink i would probably be doing that)


i am seeing my tdoc this week, and my pdoc next week, so i'm covered.  just frustrated and trying to understand what's happening to me.  i don't have the best insight at times like these (you'd never know it since i'm still writing posts that never end).


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Could it be agitated depression? A lot of those symptoms sound mixed, but from what I understand, there is a place carved out (if you know what I mean) for "Agitated Depression." Maybe I am wrong about that, hopefully someone will correct me if I am. But it sounds awful.


How does your doctor feel about benzos PRN? My pdoc is pretty cool about it, and actually tells me I am too cautious with them, but of course we are different people.  Would something like a bath, or a milky drink (cocoa, ovaltine, e.g.) help calm you down? Maybe some soothing stuff like that will at least take the edge off.

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I was thinking the same thing, while reading your post the words agitated depression kept crossing my mind. As far as I know agitated depression is a type of mixed episode where predominantly depressive symptoms are experienced along with those of a manic episode. Fourtunately you already have an appointment with your doctors so you should be able to promptly get any support you need from them.


In the meantime do things that help your mood (duh right?) take a long bath, go for a walk, listen to some of your favorite upbeat music, take any PRN medications you have that may help, things along those lines.

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thanks all.  yeah that agitated depression is probably a good description.  i have no patience for ANYTHING.  i'm like three years old again or something.  i wanna run to mommy for every little slight or bad feeling (i would absolutely not do this, she gets more worried than i do).  but i can't seem to even run to my husband though, or t/pdoc (yet).  i'm afraid somehow that i'm going to run into some kind of trouble if i'm truthful.  my husband can see what's happening on the outside well enough to know shit is hitting the fan anyway.  and if i don't tell my therapist or pdoc, he'll call them and do it for me, like it or not.


i did take a few benzos last night and i wasn't any happier, but at least calmer about things.  i'm lucky i have free reign with the benzos, since i'm more likely to avoid them than overuse them.  i'll probably do better if/when pdoc knocks up my zyprexa to something bigger than a child's dose.


in the meantime i'll probably bother the hell out of CB.  and take walks even if i cry under my sunglasses because moving around is helpful.  i HATE this crying shit.  it's so fucking random.  i started wearing mascara again so i would try harder to not cry heh... black streaks are not exactly subtle, or attractive.

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