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Really need someone to talk to.. I feel so pathetic I have to go on here to say this. I wish I had friends that were there for me and understood. Everyone else seems so well off. How do they do it? How do they feel a little okay when they aren't?

Today someone texted me first and that was probably the highlight of my day. I guess it's a friend but we've drifted apart so it was one of those hey how are you conversations. I don't know if you're supposed to just start talking about how shitty you feel or wait for someone to ask first. I feel like if I talk about myself I sound like a self centered bitch... Even though I feel so shitty and I need someone so bad. But when people ask how you are.. Answering with "I feel like dying." Isn't exactly the most appropriate response.

I'm too much of a wimp to do it myself for some reason.. Like i don't know what's holding me back sometimes. I feel guilty when I wish that some external force would just end me because there are people out there wanting their life to be much longer.

Me and my bf have been drifting a part. He says we're not but we are. We hardly talk like we used to. I can't stand the thought of being alone after having someone for so long. I'm not used to that. I'm codependent as fuck... But I know this isn't what a healthy relationship should be. And honestly our relationship really determines my mood and since it has been kinda bad lately that's the main reason I feel sad.

I want to get out the house but sometimes when I do I just want to go home so bad and crawl back in my bed. I'm stuck in this weird stage where i don't know what to or what I feel anymore... Just shit.

I used to take a lot of drugs and haven't in a long time. I really want to start back up but I know I shouldn't. I stopped because my bf doesn't like that. I want to start back smoking weed at least again because he's okay with that t least. But it wastes so much money and I've been trying hard to find a job but no one will hire me. So... Yeah that doesn't help.

I'm sorry if this should have been in a blog or If it is in the wrong place.

Edited by Koalabear
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Hey,

I can relate to not knowing how to reply. Sometimes I've said "things have been rough but I'm okay, how are you?" and then wait til they ask for details. That way I was being honest without me worrying I was dumping on others. I had a few friends that I felt comfortable being really honest with. Unless those friends are doing you harm, I would try to stay in contact. I know how hard that is. 

 

Did you have these concerns about your relationship before you became depressed?

 

It's fine for you to post here, but I've found blogs really helpful especially for talking about relationships and day to day stuff.

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Hi Koala,

 

I've gone through periods of depression where I felt like I was drifting apart from all my loved ones, only to find after recovering that they had no idea I felt that way, and themselves had not realized anything was amiss with our relationship. I am not saying this to disregard your experiences or feelings (which are unique and equally valid) but I want you to consider that your assessment of other people's feeling toward you might be colored by your own self-esteem. Do not assume that you are not still loved. It's just that, unfortunately, many friends/family members don't know how to deal with a loved one's mental illness. 

 

I'm sure you've heard this a million times, but find a professional to talk to about your feelings. They have the emotional distance and skills to really help you. I'm not saying don't talk to your friends, and absolutely you should keep posting here as long as you need to, but a trained councilor can both ease your emotional burden and make reaching out to your friends easier. 

 

Again, you've heard this before, but stay away from illegal drugs. They are like band-aids for a snakebite- they'll cover the holes, but they won't get the poison out. Plus they will only make your mood worse in the long run. 

 

Also, and this is trite as hell, but find a hobby. Crafts are great- watercolor, quilting, paper art, finger painting. Sometimes having something you can immerse yourself in for an hour or two can keep you from ruminating, and release a little stress. By no means a cure, but a healthy coping mechanism. 

 

Take this all with a grain of salt. I am not a professional. 

 

If you're still breathing, and still looking for help, then you're doing a great job. I know it doesn't feel that way now. Just keep your head above water. 

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