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Should I bother writing a letter to my H?


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We are unable to talk about any of our problems...Nothing ever, ever gets accomplished if we attempt to have any kind of dialogue. I try to keep it on the subject at hand, but he is the absolute master of twisting my statements and taking us off on a wild tangent totally away from my point.  I'm guessing this is how he 'deals' (or not) with conflict...It's not even conflict really, it's just discussing what's going on...Somehow it always turns into him being defensive and starts twisting things into other topics and turning me into the bad guy--Like somehow something totally unrelated to the discussion is *my* fault and because of that, he's entitled to punish me emotionally and mentally...

 

Anyways, this stuff has been festering *alot* lately. We've come to the point where I don't even bother to talk to him unless I have to...and even at that it's totally as superfical as possible. To his credit, H does try to engage me more in everyday pleasantries and small talk, but I'm shut down. We're at the point where just driving down our street turns on a panic attack inside me...and when I see him, I get totally anxious to the point of being sick. I try to avoid him as much as possible by spending time in my room or sleeping, because I get so anxious being around him.

Like I say though, he does try in his own way by making dinners, getting groceries, and trying to engage in light conversation. I don't know how to say it nicely, but he just bothers me...Being around him just makes me physically sick. I'm sure, it's like, "Oh that poor guy--she's just a miserable bitch!"...but I don't mean it like that... I *can't help* that I feel this way...There's been so much stuff that's gone on and it boils down to him not respecting my feelings or valuing *me* in any way. It comes across like he's just feeding me to keep me alive so he can torture me another day...I'm not meaning that literally,but that's how I feel--He doesn't do things IMHO because he *wants to* like to rebuild our relationship, but more becase he *has to* or *feels obligated* to do them...

 

Anyways, I've been so sick over the misery I live in it's taken a toll on me in every area of my life. And I've got these things I want to say to him--like how he's done things that have humiliated me and caused me giant emotional pain. (Things he won't talk about or apologize for)

So I wanted to write him a letter and say this, this and this are bothering me...you hurt me by doing this and it makes me angry and hate you.

 

I don't know if I should bother telling him what I'm upset about because when I've tried verbally saying it, he's used every trick in the book to not accept any responsibility and put the blame on me.

But I feel like I *need* to say these things --just so we both know that these specific things have hurt me and damaged our relationship.

 

What do y'all think? Should I even bother to tell him what's upset me, or should I just blog about it and let it out that way? I feel like it's corroding my insides and I sooooo want him to know that what he's done has hurt me deeply....but maybe it's better to just vent here and let it out that way??

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I think you should write the letter. Whether or not to give it to H is another matter. 

 

Writing it all down would probably help you, even if you never give H the letter. It will help you sort out your feelings and maybe examine where some of them are coming from. Sometimes when I can't bring myself to discuss something with hubby, I'll e-mail him. Having something I can read, time and time again, helps me. It helps keep me focused and it helps me remember exactly what was "said" so that I don't go off on a tangent or get flustered and confused because of all the emotions that go along with actually talking.

 

If it were me, I'd write it. I might give it to pdoc/tdoc to read for me before actually giving it to hubby. Sometimes another set of eyes is good, especially when it's something as important as this. 

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i think a letter is a good way to start that way he can read it while your not there and understand how your feeling...just be honest and explain everything and then as odetta suggested counseling may be a good next step....good luck

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We used to go to marriage counseling,like a zillion years ago... it didn't work but in all fairness, we weren't seeing an actual marriage counselor, just a PhD who specialized in children with behavioral issues--Long story short, we stopped going because he was crocked for many many reasons....even H thought he was a lousy counselor.  We went to another who was also off his rocker, so we stopped going. Finding a good counselor who is impartial, is really hard :(

 

I definitely want to write that letter this weekend to get this stuff out of me. I'll hold onto it until I see my own shrink to see what she thinks... I think ultimately H needs to know exactly how I feel, and since he can't deal with verbal discussions, paper will have to do.

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I would write the letter and then burn it. I also think marriage counseling is a good idea. One thing I learned in counseling was to give back kindness. If he is reaching out with pleasantries then my opinion is that you should also return the kindness. I find that if I ask open ended questions like ... How would you like me to help you with dinner or even going the extra mile and saying...I notice you. Did such and such today and I really appreciated it. Another ... You are so awesome by mowing the yard it must be awful in hot weather. What is on your chore list and here is what is on mine... How do you think we should do these things?

Even if these things are hard to say and mean .. I find by saying it I learn to feel it

Marriage is hard for me but I find we have peaks and valleys. I can be very short sighted and think my marriage is so awful and it has always been this way or even the opposite my marriage is so great we are perfect for each other every single day of my life

The truth is that life for me is in the middle

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