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So my problem spans a couple areas, but I've really liked (and strongly related to) the posts here. This sounds horrible - but I almost feel like I know now what it's like to hate someone so much you actually want to murder them.

 

Not that I'm suicidal (currently). The meds I'm on, Lamictal and Abilify, work okay for depression but not self-loathing. Don't know what category it would fall under, but it causes a ton of anxiety, particularly social anxiety that borders on agoraphobia. Drinking and smoking are the only thing that help but I know overall they make it worse. I've just been prescribed xanax but I haven't filled the prescription partially because I get nervous talking to the pharmacists (feel like they're judging me for my medications) and also because I'm a little afraid I will get addicted (though I've been on Klonopin before and never had a problem). I also know they can cause cognitive defects over long periods of time, and I'm paranoid about my brain.

 

I think the self-loathing mostly comes from social anxiety, because my mind is constantly going over all the stupid and embarrassing things I've done. I'm nervous in every conversation, tho I'm usually able to hide it okay (which makes me both feel and seem fake). I'm ashamed of myself, and just so uncomfortable in my skin. I've pretty much always had this problem (except for a few years of relative confidence) and I can't believe I still haven't solved it. In fact it's gotten worse: in the past I would remember something embarrassing and I would think, "I hate you!" Now when I'm alone I'll accidentally say it out loud. It's so easy to be around people when I'm drinking, but I want to stop. I just wish I was someone else!

 

Anyway sorry for the long post I just... well I appreciate any advice, and anyone who read all the way through!

Edited by avafox
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I suffer from anxiety as well and work on telling my brain to shut up. My therapist tells me to stay out of my brain b/c it's a bad neighborhood. I take klonopin when it gets super extreme and helps me to calm down. When I calm down a bit it's easier to use the tools in my "toolbox" that I've learned in therapy, including yoga and meditation (sometimes just for 5 minutes!). I also took celexa for many years and it helped, too.

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Thanks everyone for the comments! I can definitely work on the stop thought thing, although it's really hard to get my brain to shut up - Jaytea, love your therapist's saying, my brain is definitely a bad neighborhood and I should work harder on staying out of it!

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Thanks everyone for the comments! I can definitely work on the stop thought thing, although it's really hard to get my brain to shut up - Jaytea, love your therapist's saying, my brain is definitely a bad neighborhood and I should work harder on staying out of it!

If only I could stay out of it more often! ; ) Takes practice.

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Is it normal for anxiety and social phobia to turn into self-hatred, though? I mean I know I shouldn't care about what's normal, but I feel like if I understood the problem better I could work on the self-loathing along with the anxiety and social phobia, which I work on by forcing myself into social and pressure situations.

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low self esteem could be the bottom line.  Knowing that you are going to be less than the others.  Less interesting, less of a conversationalist, preoccupied with appearance, it is easier to stay home.  I am voicing how it is for me.  I think if I had high self esteem I could conquer anything, participate in anything. Shoot, coulda played sports or taken up an instrument.  Where does self esteem come from?  Parenting?  Siblings?  I sure didn't get what many others got.

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low self esteem could be the bottom line.  Knowing that you are going to be less than the others.  Less interesting, less of a conversationalist, preoccupied with appearance, it is easier to stay home...  I think if I had high self esteem I could conquer anything, participate in anything...

 

Yeah that's me in a nutshell! I've been told my whole life that I'm insecure and hard on myself and need more confidence and self-esteem - what they tend to leave out is how to get that! I also have no idea how people get self-esteem, but I certainly missed the boat on that one.

 

Also I appreciate the advice coraline, I've been working on the stop thoughts ("which just turns into me saying, "stop thinking that, idiot!") and trying to fake it till I make it. Hard stuff though! I feel like I start out strong with smiles and chats and then I run out of things to say and just seem like a sad sack of negative energy :(

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  • 3 weeks later...

I don't even know if I should reply when I can't offer anything even remotely helpful... but... I really relate. My self esteem is so low that I've had a lot of difficulty leaving the house over the past few years. I'm so deeply, deeply ashamed of myself, every thing about me is just horrible. I'm timid, dorky, vulgar, and ugly. I'm a complete screw-up, seemingly incapable of even the most simple of tasks. So, I really understood your post. I am so harsh on myself, too. I think it's definitely normal for social phobia to turn into self-hatred. Mine certainly did.

 

I wish I knew where self esteem comes from. People just tell you to stop caring about what others may or may not think and to just believe in yourself, but if you have such deep-rooted negative beliefs about yourself, it REALLY doesn't seem that bloody simple. I guess it takes a lot of practice. I find that listening to music I really love is quite inspiring... sometimes I just sit and listen to my favourite songs and try to lose myself in the music. While doing that, negative thoughts and feelings disappear for a little while. I use it as my therapy, because I can't get any actual bloody therapy! This might not work for others, but it has helped me a little. I had to practice, though. I still have to force my mind to shut the hell up and listen. It relaxes me, for a little while.

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