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Am I still considered to have good insight if I can tell other ppl that I know a belief is delusional yet fully believe in it in secret?

Reason I ask is because I tell my Pdoc and therapist that I know it's unlikely that I'm being watched ...etc.... Yet I only tell them that because I know that's what they want to hear and is what's socially accepted.

I feel like I'm stuck in a paradox. I know that it's socially unacceptable to believe these things and that 'sane' people don't. Yet at the same time, it's real to me and it wouldn't make sense to me to not believe these things.

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In my opinion, it sounds like you have at least some insight.  It wouldn't be psychosis if you could fully talk yourself out of your irrational belief.  It is kind of a paradox, to believe something and also not believe it at the same time.

 

I've had similar irrational beliefs.  For me, as the medication did its job and as my brain started to heal I gradually stopped believing the delusions.  I also believed I was being followed... but as you said it is highly unlikely and I believe in my case the whole thing was a trick my mind played on me.

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Well, I know that people call my knowledge delusional, but I don't think it's delusional at all. It's government truths. Is this kind of what you mean? You know it's called a delusion but you do believe it? Or do you know that your thought is an actual delusion and that it's irrational? Knowing what people call these thoughts and knowing that it is in fact a delusion are two different things. 

 

I am so sorry if I confused you more. >< I can't seem to word things the right way sometimes. 

 

Do you go back and forth? One time, you think you are being watched? Another time, you think that you are not being watched? 

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I was like that for awhile.  I knew my thoughts were strange, but I still believed them.  But, the more I acted like what other people told me was true, rather than what I believed, the more I started to change my thoughts.  I'm still not sure what was real, but I can put the thoughts aside and go about my day now

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I tend to fade in and out of insight when I'm psychotic. So, I'll go through periods of knowing my thoughts are very strange, but still believing them wholeheartedly and acting on them. Then I'll go through periods where I don't think my thoughts are strange at all. Those are the dangerous times. I understand the paradox you're in, I think. Kind of like you believe the delusions but have a sliver of doubt in you? Correct me if I'm wrong. 

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Am I still considered to have good insight if I can tell other ppl that I know a belief is delusional yet fully believe in it in secret?

Reason I ask is because I tell my Pdoc and therapist that I know it's unlikely that I'm being watched ...etc.... Yet I only tell them that because I know that's what they want to hear and is what's socially accepted.

I feel like I'm stuck in a paradox. I know that it's socially unacceptable to believe these things and that 'sane' people don't. Yet at the same time, it's real to me and it wouldn't make sense to me to not believe these things.

 

It sounds like you are socially aware - that you know what society expects and what most people believe. At the same time, it sounds like you really  believe you are being watched, which likely is delusional paranoia. It also sounds like you logically know that your belief is considered an illness and since you want to be taken seriously and considered well, you don't tell. Do I have this right? If so, I think you should explain it to your pdoc like you did here. A med adjustment might make the feeling like you are being watched go away. Life generally is better when I don't feel like I'm being watched, so I assume it would be better for you, too.

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Socially Aware. That's the phrase I was looking for, thanks. I'm socially aware that other people will find my thoughts delusional. Despite that fact, I maintain my beliefs because I can't ignore them.

As far as 'going back and forth' goes, I might. There are times I 'realize' that I'm being tricked into being sick and all doubt that I'm sick delusional go out the window. In that case I don't really talk much because I don't want ppl to know that I 'know', so I act normal. Also, I know other people would call my 'realization' delusional, but only to fake me out and make me not believe it. This is what happens when things are at their worst.

Then there's right now, I kinda keep 2 realities at the same time when I have insight. In one reality, I know what the world expects, and I know when thoughts would be considered delusional by others and that I'm sick. In the other, I have all these strong feelings (like in my previous example of being watched), and I see all these coincidences that I can explain through conspiracy and stuff. I basically end up believing in both realities at the same time with equal conviction. This is what I mean when I say I can agree that I'm ill and delusional but can't rule out the possibility that they are real. So I simultaneously believe they're real and illness at the same time. Kinda like the Schrödinger's cat experiment, only I can't open the box.

Not sure if that makes any more sense or not.

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Oh, also, I'm prescribed abilify, but I don't take it. Reason I don't is because it forces me to think a certain way and ultimately I'm controlled by the meds. So if I take the meds, then I'm submitting to their control and would become ignorant to my own perceptions.

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Oh, also, I'm prescribed abilify, but I don't take it. Reason I don't is because it forces me to think a certain way and ultimately I'm controlled by the meds. So if I take the meds, then I'm submitting to their control and would become ignorant to my own perceptions.

This is what is happening to me as well. Almost exactly. But I am taking the meds because I don't want anyone to force me into the hospital yet again.

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