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Yeah, so I don't know how to begin.

I've abused pain pills before, when I was a teen, just out of curiosity.

I never had  a problem with it.

I just experimented and thought nothing of it.

 

Well, like 4 or 5 months ago I got injured at work. I never filed a workman's comp claim. I honestly didn't even know that I was going to be injured, or that the pain would last. I thought I simply pulled a muscle or something. I was used to little aches and pains. But it grew into something much more. You need to file the incident report within 24 hours, and then piss test within 48 hours of that in order to have a successful claim. Well, I didn't start having the INTENSE pain until about 3 days after. And it persisted. I am still in pain, to this day. I quit my job the 20th was my last night. It's a long story. I worked there for a year and 8 months and I finally just got tired of being in pain, anxiety, and then on top of it some people complained about my performance one night.(I was having a REALLY bad night. I tried to push through. I even made it clear to my supervisor that I was having a hard time, but I would still try my best. And he seemed understanding.) But my boss took their word for it. She didn't confront me. She had someone else do it for her. And to make matters worse, two or three months ago I switched from full time, to on call(as needed), so I basically make my own schedule based off the open shifts. These shifts started to dwindle to part time work. I did this switch because at a certain time, I was in a relationship with my ex. We were actually engaged. I still have the ring. We were planning to move into an apartment together, all we needed to do was give a deposit and first months rent and we were in! I was so excited to get out of this dead ass town. I think I let my lust for something new really cloud my judgement. I mean, it's complicated. I did love him. But he expected so much out of me. He wanted me to be in constant contact with him. He wanted me to always put him first before anything or anyone else. And when I didn't meet his expectations, he became very mean and pretty much abusive. I downplayed a lot of it. I let the jealousy build up until it was smothering me. I slowly let the way he talked to me build up from just yelling to screaming and cussing and berating me. I couldn't do anything right. I woke him up one night, and I got my ass chewed, plus he kept threatening to leave. He'd play these games. He'd get upset with me for not talking to him, then ignore me to teach me a lesson, then get mad at me because he was ignoring me, and somehow just make sure that everything was always MY fault. He tried to make me feel terrible about myself sometimes, just out of nowhere. And I thought I loved him, I really did...I think he just came into my life at such a vulnerable time. I had just been inpatient, tried to kill myself, was really low...In the beginning he was so sweet. He really seemed to care about me. And I didn't have anyone in my life. I was so alone and isolated. It was so nice to have someone that cared where I was what I was doing and what was going on. I liked knowing someone thought about me. And so it grew, you know. 9 months and we were pretty fucking close. Engaged, even, and ready to move in. And I haven't really talked about this a lot. Or at all. But I mean there wasn't usually a lot of physical things. No. Mostly he just used emotional abuse, or verbal abuse. He'd threaten me with his voice but never actions. Except he started to do little things, like slap my hand away when he was pissed off. And I didn't think much of it. I mean, he was hitting my hand, but not me. And I should have known better to try and touch him when he wasn't in a good mood. Then I remember one night we were arguing because I had disturbed his sleep on accident. And he just would not let it go. I said i was sorry. i promised not to do it again. and that just wasn't enough he kept yelling and yelling and going on and on. I'm like quit beating a dead horse. And like idk, the next thing I know his hands are around my throat and I just froze. Like wtf is this really happening. And then immediately he drew back. He was so sorry, so sorry. He kept apologizing and begging me to forgive him. And like idk what was wrong with me, but somehow I always forgave him. I don't even know what really prompted me to get out. I was growing increasingly aware of his controlling behavior and I knew that I was in a scary place. I didn't want to lose him. I really didn't want to lose him. Everything I had planned...I already had to be out of my apartment. I no longer had a permanent job. Everything was so invested in him. And then one night I just snapped. I said something wrong in a text message. I don't even remember what I said, but he thought I was angry, so he called me up to give me a good chew out. He started cussing at me, calling me names, dumb bitch, fucking retard, cunt, etc. And idk something just clicked. Like I cannot keep dealing with this. He is only getting worse, not better. I can not love him. I can not love him. So finally the words just slipped out, "I don't think this is going to work..." and it just went from there. He harassed me for a while and I was scared I was going to have to call the police and get an order of protection. he kept threatening to show up at my apartment, or work, and saying that this wasn't over, etc. But I insisted he just needed to stay away, and I'd call the police if he came near me. I'd call the police if he left me another nasty voicemail. And I'd saved them all. He really kind of backed off after I said that. He still contacts me, but only calmly. And I no longer reply. I can deal with the occasional text message. They are usually just like, "Hey, what's up?" You know. At first he really pursued getting me back, but he got the message, and he claims he really wants to be my friend. I just keep a big distance. I replied once a month ago, just to discuss getting each others things back. Anyways, I digress, that relationship was bad. And it didn't work out. And instead of being homeless, I came to stay with my mom. When I finally asked for a full time position back, my boss took the complaints she heard really seriously, and refused to give me a full time position until I shaped up. But she had to have someone else talk to me about this, of course, because she's a terrible manager. And I was so anxious, pissed off, fed up, tired, etc that night that I lashed out and quit. In minnesota, as a CNA, you need to give two weeks notice or else you are abandoning your job and that's technically a crime. I take care of people, so I can't just walk out the door willy nilly. I probably would have...I mean, for a year and 8 months I've broken my back for this place(Almost literally...fuck)Some weeks I worked up to 60 hours, when at times I was only hired on for 24.(And I am pretty mentally ill, so the fact that I was even able to do this really amazes me)Whenever they called me, I'd be there. I could be there within 15 minutes of a call, and I often was. This was not a requirement of me. This was me being dedicated. This was me working hard. And often times, I'd work over 8 hours. I even broke the law once, working for 18 hours. Technically, after 16 in MN they need to relieve you. I really put in my work, and I feel that as good of an employee as I've been, I should not have to "shape up" in order to get a full time position back, especially when there is one available right now. Even the suggestion that I need to "earn" back what I well exceeded for a year and 8 months...blew my mind. Like how could they do that to me. I knew they did a lot of fucked up things to other people(Like telling Courtney she had to work night shift when she came back from maternity leave...even though she only wanted to take 4 weeks. They couldn't promise her her position back. And technically it's legal because they offered her A position. lol. or refusing to let kayla have a day off to take her dad, who just got diagnosed with cancer, to go get a scan of the tumor when she gave a weeks notice. harassing amy to come back 5 days after she had her appendix out. refusing to give anyone a raise in over 5 years...chasing countless employees away. i mean really, they were quitting in groups of 4 and 5, and making it well known that it's because of the shitty management. but anyways)It just pissed me off so much I just quit right then and there. I figured, there's a ton of places that would give me full time right now. Why should I sit around and wait, while my hours diminish even more, hoping that one day they'll give me my hours back? No. I need money. And I know I should have sought out another job first. But I was so mad...

 

so away from that

for my back, i was given oxycodone

which i became quite addicted to, without even realizing it

i mean it started with just taking an extra pill because it wasn't helping with the pain enough

and then that turned into doubling the dose

and taking the dose sooner than i was supposed to

each prescription i had started getting out earlier and earlier

around the end of two months, i had my wisdom teeth out

and so i had a two week prescription for my back, and a two week prescription for my teeth

well, stupid me...i finished both of them in a week

and at that point, i was pretty much addicted to the high

i needed at least 20mg to get a buzz, 40mg to be "high" and sometimes more than that just because...idk...i was really stupid i guess

then i went through my first HORRIBLE withdrawl

like puking up EVERYTHING, shitting EVERYTHING, feeling like i got hit by a truck, wanting to die, sweating and then getting the chills really fast, repeating that. i just felt sickly. i felt like i was in hell and the pleasure was sucked out of everything.

so i looked around and was able to find someone who could get me fentanyl...

and 100mcg/hr patch kept me going for a few days

i mean i was still trying to taper myself so i was only doing it once a day

freebased that shit a few times

and chewed on it for the rest of it

then i realized

that's messed up girl, you have a problem

and so i decided to quit for good

im out of pills, and i won't be getting more

i won't be getting anything else from the street

nonono

now i really think i can do this cold turkey

i think i am strong enough 

i think i have the will power

and i think that since i was only on them for a total of slightly over 2 months, that i have a good shot

some people are on pain pills for YEARS AND YEARS

but i still want to be open to ideas and suggestions for getting clean and staying clean

i could go to the doctor and admit i have a problem but i don't want that on my record

i've had a hard enough time getting klonopin back as it is, and if that happens, then i am just truly fucked to deal with this anxiety without a benzo FOREVER because apparently when you have substance abuse on your records already, nobody wants to give you a benzo, even if you were on one and it helped a shit ton. 

idk im sorry this is long

and im sorry i don't make sense

i just wanted to vent about that

and possibly get some advice

im sorry im such a bitch

ughk

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If it was me I would check out some group support and do some research on the web.   I would be scared S-wordless to be addicted to narcotics.  I would say that Benzos have the same problem and it might be of value changing to something without all that baggage.  Buspar for example.

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Backs are very fragile and can become chronic injuries very, very, very easily.

Do you know exactly what your injury is? Can you get physical therapy for it? Is it something that requires surgery?

In my experience it is hard to quit using opiates if you're still in physical pain, because the pain comes back. So what sort of incentive is that!?

I suppose that you don't happen to live in one of those lucky states where a doc can prescribe you the weed that you're using for the pain.

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Backs are very fragile and can become chronic injuries very, very, very easily.

Do you know exactly what your injury is? Can you get physical therapy for it? Is it something that requires surgery?

In my experience it is hard to quit using opiates if you're still in physical pain, because the pain comes back. So what sort of incentive is that!?

I suppose that you don't happen to live in one of those lucky states where a doc can prescribe you the weed that you're using for the pain.

oh i wish we had medical marijuana here. i could get the strongest, best stuff for pain. and it wouldn't hurt my pocketbook so much.

i don't know for sure what my injury is. i had my mri last week to check for what is suspected to be a herniated disc. 

i am still in pain and i don't know what to do. but i'm still hopeful that there's something non-narcotic out there for me.

i hope...

 

i can't even afford bud right now

i don't have a job anymore

and i'm flat broke

siiigh

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  • 1 month later...

opiate addiction sneaks up on you and if you don't stop now

you will be it's slave.

for bipolar people opiates are especially tempting.

I used it to feel "normal"from the MI.

 

the problem is that now I have TWO disorders.

the addict/alcoholic is a thing in itself.

 

I wish you serenity and  hope you quit while still ahead.

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