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I'm a loser, baby


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I don't know what I want to say. So:

I've stablized a lot recently, perhaps because I'm back to work. Doing carpentry. Perhaps also because I've come to really understand what is wrong with me (long story). Meanwhile though, I have never felt so outside the flow of society. Not even when I've been suicidal.

My father absolutely will not speak to me. My mother will, and she is very loving, but she also is unfortunately a major trigger for me and I need to limit contact as I continue to work out the issues involved, otherwise I'd be spazzing and freaking out so often I'm sure I'd suffer some permanent brain damage from the emotional chaos. I have no other family. Never have.

A couple years ago I was proud to be helping my girlfriend get on her feet financially while putting away 20% of my income into retirement savings, with excellent matching from my employer. Put away about $25K in 18 months. Now I am making less inome than my *fixed* expenses, and am almost $10K in debt and counting. Fixed expenses do not include clothes, therapy or meds, car repairs, ... My boss recently filed for bankruptcy and was sued by his ex-wife for child support, though he claims he'll have work for me for at least a year.

I've been hospitalized 8 times over the years, and had 2 periods of real suicidality. I've never really been free of mental health issues for very long, although I had a good 5 year run until the end of 2003.

None of my exes will speak to me. Many friends will not speak to me. My father, as mentioned, will not speak to me. My last employer will not speak to me (though in this case everyone knowing her and I agrees this was despite my absolute best efforts to do the impossible and that she was and is crazy). I can't afford to go out much, and really just don't have that much in common with my former self so old friends feel less compatible.

There are positive things I could list, but all of the above make me feel just so completely stuck when I choose to dwell on them in the wrong state of mind. I wonder how I'll ever get my life back together, and how I'll ever meet people, including women, who will see the great qualities and potential in me. See past the history, the warning flags, the baggage, and see the creative intellectual, endlessly fascinated by people's stories, passionate about many things, talented, gifted, compassionate. Trapped in the body of a complete loser.

At least I'm growing. Making real progress in understanding my real issues -- the things that led to all of the above. I'm writing. Though I make up words like suicidality and I'm not sure where I really want to take this writing.

It's so weird to have known happiness, intimacy, profound love, wonder, acceptance and approval of friends, praise from others, pride in my abilities and accomplishments, and to no longer have any of these things. To have been reduced to someone alone and discarded, alienated from the culture more every day, struggling to stay above water, and wondering if homelessness is the next chapter, while paradoxically coming to understand myself better than I ever had even in better times. So so weird.

More than anything else, I crave real connections. I'm dying for them. I don't really care for anyone to tell me I'm not a loser or tell me stop whining and deal or whatever. I mean, feel free, but I'm not looking for opinions. I am a loser. Period. And I am tired of losing everything and everyone. Why are people so shallow and stupid? Why is the average level of intelligence and curiosity so low? I mean, sociologically I guess I have answers to these questions, but existentially it just  sucks. Why does it have to be like this?

Ok, actually, I'll say it. Stop whining, Jem. Deal with it. And plus, you're not a loser. You just appear that way to everyone else. So figure out how to show them what they aren't seeing. And stop talking to yourself too -- that's unhealthy and doesn't cast you in any better light.

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Yours is a really compelling post, Jemini.  It sounds like your life has been filled with very complicated relationships that end in complicated ways and I so very much relate to that.  Financial troubles make everything that much more difficult and limit options.  I hope things improve for you.  You sound like a really interesting and fully dimensional person and I value people like you.

Sadly I think stormy relationships are common with people who have personality disorders.  People can be so unforgiving.  Speaking for myself, I know how to love, show compassion and take the higher ground.  Seems like it takes more than what I have.

I hope things go better for you soon.  Take care.

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Jemini~

You can call yourself whatever you want, but you're not a loser.  Period.

I'm not sure what to say that will really help, but I do have one suggestion.

617-247-0220

They're the Samaritans of Boston.  Officially, it's a 24-hour suicide hotline, but you can call any time just to talk or whatever.  I'm going to start volunteering for them in January.  The people you talk to have to go to 50 hours of training.  They absolutely, positively, will not trace your call, even if you're in the act of suicide.  It's completely confidential.

I'm not sure what all is involved with the training, but I know the major goal is to provide callers with someone to talk to.  Someone who will just listen.

I'm sorry you're going through a rough time at the moment.  I hope you'll feel better soon.  And, if you want them...

(((((Jemini)))))

Love,

CS

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Ok, actually, I'll say it. Stop whining, Jem. Deal with it. And plus, you're not a loser. You just appear that way to everyone else. So figure out how to show them what they aren't seeing. And stop talking to yourself too -- that's unhealthy and doesn't cast you in any better light.

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

hmmm....

Let's try a logical analysis of this statement, shall we?

You don't appear to be a loser to me.

Therefore, the statement is false.

May I suggest, perhaps, that the problem isn't how everyone else sees you, but rather how you see yourself?

{{hugs}}

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There are positive things I could list, but all of the above make me feel just so completely stuck when I choose to dwell on them in the wrong state of mind.

So, don't. Learn mindfullness. Read Thich Nhat Hanh http://www.plumvillage.org/

I wonder how I'll ever get my life back together, and how I'll ever meet people, including women, who will see the great qualities and potential in me. See past the history, the warning flags, the baggage, and see the creative intellectual, endlessly fascinated by people's stories, passionate about many things, talented, gifted, compassionate. Trapped in the body of a complete loser.

I have these same feelings.

At least I'm growing. Making real progress in understanding my real issues -- the things that led to all of the above. I'm writing. Though I make up words like suicidality and I'm not sure where I really want to take this writing.

This made me laugh out loud. When I read "suicidality" it crossed my mind that it might not be a *real* word, but I was too lazy to research it--and it sounded good. The rest of your missive is perfect. Not that I'm any judge of perfection. Anyway, being into words, this really tickled my funnybone.

It's so weird to have known happiness, intimacy, profound love, wonder, acceptance and approval of friends, praise from others, pride in my abilities and accomplishments, and to no longer have any of these things. To have been reduced to someone alone and discarded, alienated from the culture more every day, struggling to stay above water, and wondering if homelessness is the next chapter, while paradoxically coming to understand myself better than I ever had even in better times. So so weird.

I call the space you relate "the desert".  Somewhere I go periodically, and not at MY discrection but it seems to be capriciously decided for me by the spirits that guide me. And I FUCKING HATE IT. When I'm there, which as you might be able to tell, I have recently been, I cry and moan and rail at the fates--even while knowing I am there for a specific purpose that will eventually be revealed to me. The pisser is, that it may not be revealed in this lifetime. But I'm consoled when I remind myself that time is a convention of man--not gods or goddesses. 

My therapist is scary smart and full of compassion and life. He is all about soul, and that's where I'm at. I realize the soul/mind/heart are separate entities that in a perfect world work together to inform the body to take actions that are in harmony with the other three. Dream on. Anyway, so the soul is of great interest to me, and specifically how it is different from my mind and how it informs my mind unconciously, and Mike knows a lot about this stuff. I started telling you all this because you raised the question below, (I'm liberally paraphrasing) "Why are THEY all sheep?"  My first session I dumped a truckload. After awhile he was just staring at me, agog, and I was like, "what??" Kinda irritated...He said, "I'm just wondering how your mind became so open." I answered glibly, "drugs". But people ask me that often, and I suspect many here, yourself included, have experienced this. I have no clue why I have powers of empathy and perception, to me they are an intrusive pain in the ass. I don't like what I SEE and I can't help but SEE it. I would gladly trade it for oblivion and have tried to do so for years. Still do. But I have to say I also have been humbled over the years, by my mental, socio, psycho problems and experiences. They haven't all been bad.

And I am tired of losing everything and everyone. Why are people so shallow and stupid? Why is the average level of intelligence and curiosity so low? I mean, sociologically I guess I have answers to these questions, but existentially it just  sucks. Why does it have to be like this?

If you are to have any kind of peace of mind, it is imperative you find some way to wrap your head around losing. We're born alone, we die alone, everyone loses everything, either literally or metaphorically, at least once and frequently more than once. Sometimes all at once! As has happened to me and others on these boards. I have lost people, job, money, home--all in one fell swoop. MORE THAN ONCE. People avoid me because there is no obvious reason these things happen to me, ergo, maybe it's a catching disease that can happen to them. I'm obviously of above-average intelligence, I'm a *good* person (whatever that is), I'm a lover not a fighter and YET, the shit faerie routinely swings by where ever I live and provides a nice shower of shit. Sometimes a downright shitstorm will ensue, and all I can do is run for cover. There is no rhyme or reason! Shit just happens! It does, and I'm living proof. Plus I eschew all attachment to things, vociferously. I'm a big mouth. I scare the sheep, so they frame me and my life in such away that makes them feel better about driving their minivans and having 4.3 bedrooms and 3.14 kids. Fuck it! Who cares? I just pray earnestly nothing hideous ever happens to one of my kids, everything else, anything else, I can deal with it.

Or, as Henry Rollins (one of my most favorite poets sez)

"Go without a coat when it's cold; find out what cold is. Go hungry; keep your existence lean. Wear away the fat, get down to the lean tissue and see what it's all about. The only time you define your character is when you go without. In times of hardship, you find out what you're made of and what you're capable of. If you're never tested, you'll never define your character."

that, and...

When life hands you a lemon, say "Oh yeah, I like lemons. What else you got?"

And plus, I'm not a loser.

You're about as much of a loser as the man you quote, who, BTW, I had the pleasure of seeing in NYC last month--Ah-fucking-mazing. B)

Yours in angst,

HB

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