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Afraid I'm going to actually kill myself...

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I'm addicted to Adderall and Ritalin. I am bipolar, and the only, only, only thing I have found in this whole world that makes me feel "normal" is Adderall and Ritalin. I am prescribed both. I also have found ways to obtain it unprescribed. The amount I take....it scares me. I will sometimes take as much as 200 mg in a 12 hour period. No lie. I can't seem to help myself, I have absolutely zero control when it comes to these medications. I have went through a 30 day prescription, that included 90, 20mg tablets of Ritalin, in as little as 6 or 7 days. I feel so embarrassed and ashamed and scared. I feel really stupid as well. It should be as easy as "take your medicine like your prescribed you idiot" But...it doesn't seem to work that way in my head when I have such a high tolerance, and I keep taking it, and taking it, and taking it, to hold onto that "normal" feeling just a little bit longer. I don't even know what I am looking for in posting this, I guess just to get it off of my chest. Any help, resources, suggestions, would be much appreciated.

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You are a lot over max daily recommended. Assuming 30mg/4hours as max dose, you are twice over the max recommended. That's more like an amphetamine addiction than simple misuse of ADHD meds. So, maybe you are posting here for someone to tell you this. Or rather, to reinforce what you probably already know. You need help.


The way I see it, you have four options. All involve a psychiatrist and working on improving efficacy of your bipolar meds. Three involve lowering your speed intake. One plan has you getting your dosage down to your prescribed level on your own asap and working with a pdoc on bipolar meds. That would show enough control to continue taking speed based ADHD meds to treat your ADHD. Another has you coming clean with your pdoc while working on bipolar meds. This plan would have you off speed forever, probably, and using a non-speed med for ADHD. Another plan has you going to rehab because if you can't control your intake or stop, you probably need it. Your employer should have programs, so your job should be safe if you come clean before you fuck up and they find out anyway. And another ends up with you ODing, which obviously is not the preferred plan.


The root of your problem sounds like your bipolar meds are not working optimally. Treat that in a healthy way and you should not need all the speed. Easier said than done, but being a junky isn't exactly a healthy state of being.


I truly am sorry that you feel awful. I've misused drugs in the past to deal with mood issues, too. It's a no win form of treatment. Seriously, take care of yourself.

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I totally agree with what Anne said. I think rehab would be a good option and if you cannot control the amount of the meds (speed) you take then I don't know if those meds are really in your best interest.

Like Anne said also, you need to treat your bipolar. That may include mood stabilizers and non speed ADHD meds.


Coming clean to your psychiatrist about what you have been doing is probably a good first step.


Please do this before you OD and die. I'm really worried about your well-being. Please call your pdoc ASAP.

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  • 1 month later...

I dont get PRN even though I have horrible anxiety.

this is because I'm like you,I have no control.one leads to ten leads to relapse.

I miss my valium that I was so sure I needed.


how are you,OP?

addiction is such a lonely disease.


I was on downers,not ritalin,but the madness is the same.

the obsession.

you will get through this.

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