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Loss of Functional Family


deeschmee
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One of my biggest issues that I struggle with is my loss of a functional family.

 

I was adopted by,what I now know, a mentally ill woman. My daily life for as long as I can remember was plagued by violent outbursts, yelling, screaming, throwing objects and physical and emotional abuse. I was the one out of 4, 3 were her own, who got it the worst.

     Here's the thing; when I watch a show like Little House On The Prairie, I feel great pangs of sorrow and deep sadness at not having a functional family. Even when I see people I know in real life who have a functional family I get sad. This is the thing that I have a deep longing for and haven't seemed to have it yet and I'll be 45 soon.

       I try to ignore this by changing the channel or not thinking about it but I need some coping skills.

 

Any ideas?

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I'm sorry, I don't have any suggestions, however I totally get what you're saying. I don't wan't to say too much about it here in case someone is watching my posts, but I'm definitely right there with you.

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I understand what you're saying - I also feel HUGE feelings of jealousy when I watch shows like that, or even see families interacting in the grocery store, or other situations.

 

Because the truth is, it ISN'T fair.  You deserved a loving, functional family as much as any other child on this earth, and you lost the lottery.  And that sucks.  It is perfectly natural to feel resentful about that.

 

I also have a tough time coping with the feelings of resentment.  I wish I had an answer for you.  Mostly I try to reassure myself that family can be made as well as born, and that part of my efforts towards recovery will be building my own "family" in a way that works for me.  It can never replace what you should have had, but it can help fill the hole.

 

I also try to "parent myself" - one book that is very good for this is called Getting Through the Day - it talks a lot about these types of issues and discusses the idea of "inner children" and ways to give yourself a kind of nurturing attention that can also help.

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"Any ideas?"

 

My family was far from perfect,,, to the point of not quite being sure we qualified, except technically.

And the four of us, my parents one brother and myself now live in three different countries.

 

But then I wouldn't have fitted into a "model" or picture-perfect family anyway.

 

Coping?   I really have it filed this way.  

There was no malice, and my parents were doing the best they knew.  

It's just that what they knew, from the families *they* had grown up in...    

And so a lot got passed on, or reacted against, which I didn't start to put together until I was in my thirties.

And they weren't the generation for introspection and self-analysis, to spot this, either.

 

In an ideal world, yes, things could have been a lot better.

But we don't appear to have one of those.

 

Chris.

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My family puts the fun in disfunctional. My sister and I where raised by difrent parents (and we are only 18 months apart). I too looked to TV to find the family that was mine. In TV today I see my family in three TV shows, Raising Hope, The Middle, and Modern Family.  Mostley The Middle, they fight they have disfunctions they sometimes parent each child difrently. I helped to normalize my life a little. Also the new show How to Live with your Parents for the Rest of Your Life, reflects my life now where the other shows represent my childhood and youth.

 

I also know now that the gosts of my parents up-brining (my father was raised by a single parent and the absent parent was quite physicly abusive to my dad). My maternal granparents should have been divorced but both faced there own MI (my grandmother tried to drown my Mom and was state hosptilized several times for a substancial amount of time, and my grandfather most likeley had PTSD from the Korean war and was a raging alcholoic). Learning about that helped me to decide for myself that I would not repeate the past to the best of my ability and change it for myself and my future family.

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I apologizes to everyone for this reply. I truly was intent on not posting in the OPs topics and blogs, however (yes, however) I must ask her how functional her current family is? From my admittedly skewed perception her boyfriend is without a driver's license, over-indulges in drink and perhaps other, more illicit, substances. His father, the OP's landlord has been less than kindly inclined toward the OP, and she, the OP has a young daughter who witnesses verbal abuse from the boyfriend...how functional is that?

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I apologizes to everyone for this reply. I truly was intent on not posting in the OPs topics and blogs, however (yes, however) I must ask her how functional her current family is? From my admittedly skewed perception her boyfriend is without a driver's license, over-indulges in drink and perhaps other, more illicit, substances. His father, the OP's landlord has been less than kindly inclined toward the OP, and she, the OP has a young daughter who witnesses verbal abuse from the boyfriend...how functional is that?

 

You have certainly made you POV explicitly clear on this subject matter indigo n dye. I don't exactly know how many times or ways you can express your opinion either. However I guess you are going to continue to make this point until you are satisfied with yourself. I wonder how long that is going to take????

 

  I NEVER said Anything about my how functional my current family is. That is the whole point I guess you cant seem to understand or accept. When you have been born and raised in such dysfunction, you really cant tell the difference when you get older.  

 

You have ignored my previous email to you and unless your a certified social worker in my area who is willing to assist me in re-structuring my life, I will assume you are intent on making a fool of me here on this forum and take complete offense to your comments.

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I have NEVER received an email from you.  Never.   EDIT TO ADD: I have just gone through every folder in my email account. None from you.

 

Making a fool of you? No, rather my obviously overlooked intent is to turn you around and allow you to see how far immersed into the River of Denial you actually are.

 

My presence makes you uncomfortable, again obviously, so I will put you on ignore and let you continue to skip down the path of self-destruction.

 

Good luck! Relish your offense, eh?

Edited by Indigo 'n dye
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  • Gender:Female
  • Location:WNY
  • Referral:searching around

Sent 18 June 2013 - 06:03 PM

I think you got the wrong message. I did not mean for you stop commenting, you have valuable insight. I only meant Be Gentle With Me as my post stated. I was feeling very vulnerable

You have two voices with which you speak: your

MindVoice and your SoulVoice

 

I don't deny anything. And if you would listen instead of spew forth the obvious you might have heard me.

I know EXACTLY what my current situation is and have NEVER stated contrary.

It seems like you get your rocks off from confrontation. ENJOY!!

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I think Indigo's point is breaking the cycle.  It's not easy, I'm not suggesting it is, but it is something that I think is important. 

 

I don't have kids though, so perhaps I'm not qualified to speak on this subject.  I come from both a functional and dysfunctional family though, and I think at some point, you need to model better behaviours for your children and better life choices, even if it wasn't what was modeled to you.  I'm not suggesting that it is simple, or without it's own heartbreak.

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I know what her point is. She and I have discussed it numerous times . Thee problem is she's overbearing and bossy and expects me to pick up and leave with nowhere to go. I'm getting all my ducks in a row and finances lined up so I never have to depend on anyone again

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