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Old habits die hard or so they say. I am in remission from a childhood eating disorder. But I swear the thoughts never go away for me!

This bothers me...tonight my husband said he would eat a can of veggies for dinner. Wtf? Now I know he ate a large late lunch, and all I had was cereal so far, but it really triggers me when someone says they aren't going to eat or aren't hungry when it's meal time.

I feel like the biggest piece of shit and also the fattest person on earth. All because I ate more than he did at dinner time. And to top it off I ate a sort of fast food dinner. Not HORRIBLY unhealthy but there are probably a million other healthier places to eat. And it also didn't matter to me that I exercised today and he did not. I'm a gluttonous big fat piece of crap. Nothing will change that.

Can anyone relate to the ED thoughts never really going away completely? :(

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Yeah, that happens to me all the time. Everyday, a lot. I brush them off as much as possible but sometimes it's really hard not to feel burning shame at something that I shouldn't even care about.

SO lost 90lbs, and he hadn't updated me since he'd lost sixty. WELL, I found out that DAY that I'd gained ten pounds. So when he told me how much more he'd lost, I felt like HELL. And, to make matters worse, that didnt' allow me to congratulate him in any way. Instead, I spent the next fiteen minutes yelling and crying about what a fat, disgusting piece of shit I am. AND the next few days obsessing over it. So, I feel like an asshole for that now. Because, not only do these thoughts interfere with MY happiness, they are interfering with his as well. I apologized, but it was this horrid feeling that I thought would only go away if I ranted on and on about it. And cried.

 

It didn't.

 

Sorry. Pretty extreme example. But it was one of the notable times that this has happened to me so badly. I mean, I just lost some weight and SO's friend told me I was fat the other day! I didn't react so badly to that as I did to the knowledge that SO was just getting thinner and more attractive and I was getting more "disgusting" in my mind.

 

It sucks.

 

Little things all day, but some random crap here and there will fill me with rage and self-hatred that is VERY difficult to contain.

 

I relate to that a bit.

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Yes. Completely. Today, for example, I was fixated on the roundness of my belly, even though it really sort of isn't, I don't think? But that kernel of doubt is there telling me that I look like I'm in my third trimester.

I first started restricting when I was nine. Now, two decades later, it is still there. And with an annual relapse, too.

I hate it :( I don't want it any more. I wish that I could give it away to the pro-ana kids and call it The Curse. But, in a way, I still love it, too.

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I can identify, Cheese.  I feel like that a lot, especially after gaining weight after going back on meds.  I have never gained this much from a med, and they give me the munchies.  I feel like I'm constantly eating or thinking about eating.  Sometimes I try to hide my constant munching, because I feel like my family is judging me for it.  And if they don't eat with me, then I feel worse about it.  You're not alone. 

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I can relate. 

 

Even though I am much closer to recovery than I have ever been, any talk about skipping meals or dieting brings back the worst of my ED thoughts.  No matter how healthy I am, I think that I'll always be hypersensitive to food/diet talk. 

 

It is hard to live in a diet-obsessed culture while maintaining a healthy, objective perspective on eating, isn't it?

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I can relate. 

 

Even though I am much closer to recovery than I have ever been, any talk about skipping meals or dieting brings back the worst of my ED thoughts.  No matter how healthy I am, I think that I'll always be hypersensitive to food/diet talk. 

 

It is hard to live in a diet-obsessed culture while maintaining a healthy, objective perspective on eating, isn't it?

 

I can't even begin to IMAGINE what a healthy, objective take on eating would be like. I've not known anything like that my entire life.

 

This IS hard.

 

And I hate hearing about people not eating and shit. I don't come to this board often because of that. It CAN be triggering, or make me feel SOMEHOW like I'm personally doing something wrong by NOT skipping meals.

 

Grrr.

 

Cheese, I want to say it gets better. Really. Some days are easier than others, I suppose. Some days are rough as hell. We get through them though, I hope. That's the only thing I know to think of or say.

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Emporer, I think that that personal internalization of conversation is what they mean when they say that eating disorders are competitive. And, as lifequake touched on, we end up competing with society at large.

Sometimes it bothers me that I'm not "good enough" at being disordered, for sure. But what does "good enough" mean, exactly? So far as I can tell the prize is death. So it's really not an area of life where winning is what you want. In fact, recovery is the opposite of that, isn't it?

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Urgh I understand this. I'm really bothered by people on fb taking 'progress pictures' it makes me feel like a fatty because I'm not going to the gym and I don't chug protein drinks. I'm really unfit. I'm particularly bothered by my sister, she lost weight and now posts non stop pictures of her stomach and keeps saying how good it feels to have lost weight and met her goal weight.

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I totally agree rosie and emperor and lifequake. Yikes!

And Laboo, I cannot believe that people do that. Wtf? I have a few fb friends that talk about the gym non stop and that is bad enough. But to constantly post pics of their stomachs must be horrible to consistently watch! My stomach is an extra sensistive topic. That seems to be the largest part of me. Ugh!

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It's a bit like when people say to me when they know I'm on a specific diet, "Can you not just eat half of what's in front of you" when asking why I won't eat out. It really annoys me because I know if I do that I'll end up hungry because I won't have had the right quantities, right proportions of protein/carbs and veg. If I don't get that right I don't maintain strength and I'll lose muscle. The other thing that annoys me is people thinking going out to eat is a treat. Most of the time it isn't because I'm presented with things that set me off - not whilst I'm there but later on whilst alone.

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  • 3 weeks later...

The thoughts won't go away for me either :/ I was pretty okay during the pregnancy with just ignoring the bitch (I call the eating disorder thoughts "her" by the way...) But post partum on, even while breastfeeding, it is impossible to ignore. I thought I was pretty happy with food and eating. Now I'm getting all conflicted and GAH about it. I still eat enough (especially because I get very tired if I nurse and don't eat enough-- the doc told me you could pretty much starve to death and still make perfect milk, not exactly the right thing to tell me...), BUT, the thoughts are extremely difficult to lose. Always thinking about feeling big (even though I do feel good sometimes), how much I'm eating, how awful I am to be eating it, how much more I eat than others. And the simplest things are triggers, some chick eating a salad-- boom, triggered. >.<

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oh god, i was thinking i was the only person in that situation right now.  i've gained because of lithium and zyprexa, and i feel utterly horrible EVERY FREAKIN MINUTE about it.  it takes up WAY too many brain cycles.  i just can't go five minutes without thinking about it.  However, my husband also just lost about twenty pounds without even trying (he started playing tennis like it was going to be declared illegal).  he is proud of his body because he's fit.  i can't even bring myself to tell him "good for you".  i just can't.  i feel like a mean petty selfish bitch.  but i can't deal with the comparison.  i told him we look like Jack Sprat and his wife (if anyone remembers that childhood rhyme).  he says that's stupid.

 

... but he also doesn't argue with me anymore when i say i need to lose weight.  up until this year he used to roll his eyes and say "will you stop that foolishness?".  now he doesn't say anything.  so i know he thinks i'm fat too.  which makes me want to crawl into a hole and never be seen again.  it's much easier to deal with what the world thinks of me than what my husband thinks.  he is more important.  his opinion means more.  his not arguing with me over me weight makes me cry.

 

it's really hard to do this the right way and not relapse.  i fight the purging battle every day.  i can't completely starve myself on this medication like i used to, if i don't eat with my meds i get sick for hours at a time (i'm not spending four more hours of my day on the couch).  so i get it all planned out in my head that "okay if i take these meds at 2:00, i can eat and wait an hour for the meds to kick in, then i can purge".  which is really stupid because i'm eating low calorie food to begin with.   as well as being stupid for other reasons.  i haven't caved in yet. 

 

thanks for this thread.  i don't say anything about comparing myself to my spouse because i sound (to me) like i am nothing but spiteful.  but when you all say it it doesn't sound like that to me.  it just sounds like a painful situation to be in.  maybe i could go easier on myself like i'd tell you to do.  this learning to love our bodies the way they are is for the fucking birds.  i just can't do it.

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I haven't been on this site for several years, but I can really relate here.  I went back to my compulsive eating recovery group over a year ago, and my thinking has changed.  I didn't even have to fire the Shitty Committee in my head - they left!

 

I guess I am lucky that way.  One thought that really helped me is that what somebody else says or does is none of my business.  I keep my eyes on my own business at hand - that's enough for me!

 

One last one that made a huge difference for me: "Don't believe everything you think."

 

Like WC said, keep up the good fight!

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oh god, i was thinking i was the only person in that situation right now.  i've gained because of lithium and zyprexa, and i feel utterly horrible EVERY FREAKIN MINUTE about it.  it takes up WAY too many brain cycles.  i just can't go five minutes without thinking about it.  However, my husband also just lost about twenty pounds without even trying (he started playing tennis like it was going to be declared illegal).  he is proud of his body because he's fit.  i can't even bring myself to tell him "good for you".  i just can't.  i feel like a mean petty selfish bitch.  but i can't deal with the comparison.  i told him we look like Jack Sprat and his wife (if anyone remembers that childhood rhyme).  he says that's stupid.

 

... but he also doesn't argue with me anymore when i say i need to lose weight.  up until this year he used to roll his eyes and say "will you stop that foolishness?".  now he doesn't say anything.  so i know he thinks i'm fat too.  which makes me want to crawl into a hole and never be seen again.  it's much easier to deal with what the world thinks of me than what my husband thinks.  he is more important.  his opinion means more.  his not arguing with me over me weight makes me cry.

 

it's really hard to do this the right way and not relapse.  i fight the purging battle every day.  i can't completely starve myself on this medication like i used to, if i don't eat with my meds i get sick for hours at a time (i'm not spending four more hours of my day on the couch).  so i get it all planned out in my head that "okay if i take these meds at 2:00, i can eat and wait an hour for the meds to kick in, then i can purge".  which is really stupid because i'm eating low calorie food to begin with.   as well as being stupid for other reasons.  i haven't caved in yet. 

 

thanks for this thread.  i don't say anything about comparing myself to my spouse because i sound (to me) like i am nothing but spiteful.  but when you all say it it doesn't sound like that to me.  it just sounds like a painful situation to be in.  maybe i could go easier on myself like i'd tell you to do.  this learning to love our bodies the way they are is for the fucking birds.  i just can't do it.

 

That's exactly what I described in my post, the situation with you and your husband. Couldn't be happy for SO who was MORBIDLY OBESE for dropping 90lbs simply because I myself had gained ten and just gotten into the "overweight" category. It's excruciating. All of it.

 

And when he stopped rolling his eyes at me. . . oh man. You know, maybe it's not even that. Maybe he doesn't hear it anymore? You know, maybe they are soooo tired of it that they just don't react anymore? I mean, hell, SO has put up with me saying this crap since I was underweight all the way until I was overweight. He's been hearing this shit for NINE FUCKING YEARS OVER AND OVER AND OVER AGAIN ON A DAILY BASIS. I'm not slamming you for this at all, I do it too. If I stop to think for a moment, what living with that crap would be like, I feel bad. I mean, I flip it, imagine SO complained about a stupid mole or something that he hates and I don't give two shits about it because I love him like crazy. What if he whined and complained and compared his mole to my smooth skin all the time? How would I like that? I don't even know if  I could live with that.

Sad thing about that? I STILL DO THIS ANYWAY. I do it no matter what. No matter how unfair it is to him to do it, I do it. All the time. He should hate me (now, you probably don't do it as often as I do, I will tell you, there's not a DAY that goes by in a spectacular week that I don't look at my belly, stretch out my shirt as far as it can go and grumble about being fat at the very least. At the worst? I go on all flipping day. Every hour. 

 

I CAN'T HELP IT.

 

I know I don't have OCD, but it seems like a fucking compulsion, in nature. I get this horrible feeling that builds up and I need to do something to get rid of it and I KNOW everyone else sees how fat I am, so I'm going to complain about it. REPEATEDLY UNTIL I FEEL BETTER.

 

There is no "when I feel better." I'm losing hope. 

 

I was worried the other night about how fat I looked while I was SLEEPING when no one was here. I covered the hell up with blankets to my neck so the people who weren't there couldn't see how fat I am.

 

This is a very, very irrational and bizarre thought pattern and I'm starting to recognize that at least. I've known it's not NORMAL forever, but I didn't know how bad it was. It's obsessive and painful.

 

I'm glad you fight the urges. I was in a REAL hurry to lose weight for the summer. . . ENOUGH weight, whatever that is. I didn't start off well. Old habits and such. But over time I just thought it will happen, if I need to be healthy and take it slow, that's what I'll do. And I'll be fine with that.

 

Am I FINE with anything? NO. NO I am not. But I'm OKAY. Still fat a few times a day. . . out loud. It's constantly in my head. I have felt better since I was doing it the healthy way and losing (I needed to lose though, I was overweight). But slow and steady, now. . . that's frustrating, but when I think of starving, I go to the webpages. The ones that give me a list of the shit that comes with anorexia, the idea that it's the most deadly mental illness, all of that. That helps me to read facts. This is how I don't fall back. 

 

Anyway, my SO started encouraging me to go to the gym, eventually. I've lost more weight and he still does it. He used to bitch about me losing weight. Now that I've lost a tad the healthy way, he's on me about exercising. I DO believe it's more of a health issue there for him. . . with me, he he. whatever. I'm trying to look at in that way because they have no way of knowing that these little things that mean nothing to them mean the world to us. They can't know that.

 

Sorry. I want to stop annoying my boyfriend of almost nine years. He puts up with the crazy (bipolar, anxiety) and then the stupid weight crap enough. I'm working on that, I guess?

This illness makes me so sadly selfish and I hate that about it too. I'm an all around fucking monster. sigh. I'm not saying you are, we really can't even HELP it if you're doing the same thing I am.

 

Damn, that was long. SORRY. Guess I needed to do my once monthly ED rant on line. Because ten times a day in the house just ISN'T ENOUGH!

 

I hope we're all happy one day. Really, all of us.

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I can also relate and I feel a lot for you, its five years now since I was diagnosed and I am now a healthy weight and I still battle with the thoughts daily and also battle with not trying to fast and over exercise. Its really hard but it feels like it will never go away, the thoughts are a lot quieter and less frequent then when I was at my low weight though and I believe it does get better over time and with proper nutrition of course. Keep strong and please tell all the bad thoughts that they are wrong!

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I hate it when I go to the store and buy a huge cake and a gallon of milk, cause I know the cashier is thinking I'm going to eat that whole motherfucker all by myself - which I am, btw. But it's crap because as a cashier I never thought that about others. I even rotate grocery stores and try not to go to the same cashier twice in a row.

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