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Depressed? Mixed State? Or something else altogether?


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When I'm hypomanic I've done things I found embarrassing (especially when I was delusional), but nothing I would describe as dangerous.  Unlike my mixed states which would definitely be under the dangerous category (self harm, suicidal, ect).  That doesn't seem to be unusual, but when I'm falling into depression it's a completely different experience.

Sometimes it's like I can feel a depressed episode coming on.  It feels like this hole in my chest that keeps growing and every part of me is falling inside, piece by piece.  I feel the most reckless and impulsive during this time.  I haven't completely got into the laying in bed, staring into space depression state yet, but I know it's coming.  Mostly I just feel numb and when given the chance I end up doing all kinds of things to not feel that way.  From getting a tattoo (which I love) to coloring my hair pink (which looked awful) to spending too much money on anything that could bring me even a little happiness.  Then I've done other things like drinking a lot while on medication which I would never do normally. 

I don't feel hyper and focused the way I do with hypomania or restless and angry like a mixed state.  I just feel like I'm sinking slowly and all I want is to feel like someone else for a while.  I don't know if this counts as depression or some other state.  Has anyone else had a similar situation?

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I tend to overspend, overeat, and generally act impulsively when I'm depressed-- anything to just feel a little bit better.   It's total desperation because nothing feels good.  It's definitely depression-- mixed states and hypo are much, much different for me.

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