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Stuff that is really bothering me


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1.  I compulsively drive--like maybe for an hour a day--it's the worst in the morning.  When I get in my car and go somewhere, on the way home, I will get this feeling that maybe like my house is burning to the ground and my dog is dying, but instead of rushing home, I avoid going back--I just drive around in circles like some sort of freaking crazy person.  Sometimes I'll also do it on my way to work, but the fear is different--I just imagine my boss standing at my door, looking at me with like a giant pink slip or yelling at me.  This started in middle school, and it started with going to school--I used to beg my mom to drive around the block, because I just knew once I got to school everyone would be laughing at me (they never did--I was pretty quiet, but rarely picked on.)

 

2.  I have like this insane phobia of being late--like I'm usually everywhere about 45 minutes early--this coupled with number 1, means that if I'm going somewhere 5 minutes away, I leave my house about an hour and a half early.

 

3.  I'm afraid that I stink or other people see me as unclean.  I shower twice a day--I will rewash clothes even if I just tried them on and then instantly took them off, because my outfit looked crappy.

 

4.  I am super weird about my clothing--I have a list of weird rules about what I wear that would probably just be really tiring to read.  It takes me forever to get dressed--this added to number 1, 2 and 3 means that I have to start getting ready like 3 hours before I have to be somewhere, and if I have to come home and then go somewhere after work, you can forget it, there isn't time to do all the stuff I need to do, so I basically have no social life.  The time when I would have been having some sort of normal social life is spent on compulsion.

 

5.  I'm very, very, very, very, very, very, very perfectionistic.  Particularly about myself, but this extends to other people as well.

 

6.  For about 3 years, I was obsessed with the thought of dying in a storm.  I would check one weather site, not trust it and then check another--call my boyfriend, call a friend, call my mom, etc.  I would look outside on a mostly clear day, and if there was one cloud, I basically hid in my apartment.  It was debilitating, but I never sought help.  I basically just made myself do some crude form of exposure therapy (I'd never heard of it at the time), and I slowly got to a manageable level--still bothers me.

 

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