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meeting people you haven't met since the trauma

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So I guess my question and to preface follows:


if you had the chance to meet with someone from your past that might know aspects of your life that you do not remember, would you meet with them? old friends or family? When/if you do meet with people from the past, is it a good experience? Would you choose to "reunite" or not? Is it ever okay to ask someone like that if they remember certain things about your childhood?



My story is...


I grew up in Ohio and moved on very short notice to California. I have a lot of amnesia for my life in Ohio, which seems to be a family trait. My therapist thinks that when my parents relocated it was a fugue of sorts, and I agree looking at us now, no one remembers the inside of our house or what life was like in that place. My brother ran away repeatedly and refused to move to California with us so he was left behind and no one remembers why. No one. I have so many strange feelings in Ohio, being home, and since coming here its been a rush of cues of memories which has been difficult, overwhelming. 


I have memory of abuse in California but very little actual memories of Ohio, just gaps and bullet points but mostly gaps. Its been my whole life pretty much that I've felt more or less anguished because I have no memory of Ohio and thus little context to understand some of the gaps or things in my life. Lots of secrets and cover ups in my family but I know I am susceptible to paranoia and my mind goes with different scenarios that I have no way of verifying. My PTSD triggers my psychosis to relapse so I have trouble knowing what to believe because the lines get blurred in that state. I feel like I need some closure though so one day I do want to try to find some evidence so once and for all I can find out what in my head has been true and what hasn't. I don't want to do that yet though because I doubt I am ready, yet I can't always control when something benign will trigger a flashback or some other rush of destabilizing nostalgia. 


A friend I haven't seen since preschool, when my first psychotic episode happened and my earliest memories of abuse began, still lives in town and she wants to "catch up". She has been very persistent on hanging out. I want to hang out with her but i am afraid of getting overwhelmed by her or embarrassed around her and I am nervous because she was one of my best friends but i haven't admitted to her that i don't actually remember her. She is life long friends with a girl I used to know who avoids me now...we used to play a violent sexual game together and I have dreams of her still. I used to not be able to hear her name. Part of me has an ulterior motive and thinks maybe I can find something out from her while we catch up...maybe she is a piece that can occupy our amnesia. At the same time though, I am very nervous that meeting her might actually stress me out too much or that it might be an unhealthy inclination. Is it better to find answers or to leave it be? Is it better to leave the people from that past be, too? 


I have lived totally isolated from family and friends back home for thirteen years. Being back has been very new. I don't know if I should be cautious. Has anyone had experience "going back" for lack of a better word? Sorry for the lengthiness. not sure how to ask this, not sure if i should go hang out with this girl or if i should avoid that stress?

Edited by kitkatt91
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