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What would bring you most stability ?


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I have two options ?

 

Option Number one .. 

 

Go to Rescue Mission Shelter and live there .. Pretty much homeless. I thought this would possibly speed up SSI reconsideration but I believe that is when you aren't even in a shelter. When you stay at a homeless shelter you are blessed I supposed. 

 

Option Number Two ... 

 

Travel across country and try another sales job. Besides hallucinations and mild mood swings that I tend to be able to pull myself out of, if I don't dwell on self pity, I am doing OK. However stress induces my episodes dramatically. My thoughts were .. If I fail at this job I will end up hospitalized again, period. This would make the second time in 2-3 months. This would likely lead to an SSI approval at least so I could be thrilled to live off of $698 a month (wooo-hooo!) 

 

Anyways .. What do you do ? Take risk of destabilizing ... But possible income and possible growth. Or stability, less influence on your illness but living in a homeless shelter ? There is no in between at this point. Options are out. They are pushed to the limit and then some, then some more, and one more time for good measure .. 

 

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I would try another sales job. Shelters are very dangerous places. Many of the people in them have diseases like tuberculosis, which you really don't need, and critters like lice, which you really don't need either. They steal your stuff, including your shoes. There are fights. The places stink, since most homeless people don't or can't find places to bathe. The conversation usually isn't stimulating. Some of the people in them are rapists, and yes, they might try to rape you. On the East Coast, most homeless people would rather sleep on the streets and live out of a shopping bag than take their chances in a shelter. 

 

There's also the matter of dignity. I don't think it's easy to hold onto your dignity (and hope, which is a big part of that) in a shelter. You feel beaten down pretty much all the time, and it's very stressful. 

 

I feel your pain, though. I've had similar thoughts. The past year, there hasn't been a day that's gone by without my thinking, "Gosh, I wish I could just be sick enough to check into a mental hospital and take a vacation, because this looking for decent work, trying to keep a roof over my head, living with no financial support and very little emotional support, and just feeling poor and alone is too much for me." Rather than work and struggle while feeling wounded and lost, I just want to take some time to breathe, to feel like somebody else is there to feed and clothe me, even if it means being forced to make stupid art projects with glue and children's scissors, and deal with watching endless soap operas while surrounded by people who are even crazier than I am.  Even though I've somehow managed to never have been hospitalized (the Crazy Girl in my head has been very good at hiding just how effed up she really is), I feel like every day I'm out and about is another day that my soul is being broken apart, and I'm so tired.

 

However, if you are in a shelter (or I am busy doing origami in a gray day room), the chances of moving up and out  and getting a better life get smaller. The chances of succeeding and feeling worthwhile start dwindling, don't they? And as we feel more beaten down and more worthless, we end up deeper in the hole, and filled with more despair.  If you're like me, you probably don't have the emotional support or reasons necessary to make you want to pull out of the downward spiral once it starts, so why put yourself in a position where your life will go from Deep Heck to Full-Blown Hell?

 

I'm willing to take keeping my dignity and having a shot at long term stabilization while enduring short term horrifying stress over parking my brain and declaring myself too wounded to go on. That's what the Crazy Girl in my head wants me to do. She wants to be locked in a room alone with me where I can't get away from her, so she can finally persuade me to go catatonic or kill myself. I keep reminding myself of what part of me is saying that giving up is the easy option, and in my right mind, I know that it's better to be one of the walking wounded than psychically dead.  

 

I can't make you do the best thing for yourself. But I can say that I know how scary it is. I had to finally go on charity care to get medicated. I felt humiliated and ashamed, and then when things started to get better I almost got evicted, and now that I'm almost done fighting that, the IRS is after me for back taxes because I've been so ill for almost 15 years that I haven't been capable of filing a piece of paper, let alone my taxes. I can't even say how much I want to check out right now. It would be simple. But I don't think people like you and me want to do simple, or we wouldn't be on the internet like this. 

 

So, I'm going to ask a favor from you, because I need  help, and I know I need to learn how to trust people instead of being scared all the time. I need someone to occasionally remind me why I should keep a job and stay on my meds. In return, I'll occasionally check back to this post and cheerlead you through moving and finding a new job, and staying upright enough to need hospitalization.  And we'll both promise to take it one day at a time, and not check out because it's tempting. Do we have a deal? Because quite frankly, I think we both need as much support as we can get, and most of the world isn't going to give it to us. 

Edited by Washington Park Commons
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