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I sent not so nice messages to people, and I can barely remember doing it. I remember doing it, just not what was said and well...I can't check because it seems I've also snapped the sim card in half and done a factory reset on my cell, so that I could feel "safe". I don't know why it made me feel safe, but it did. But, I guess that's for best. I just woke up this morning and knew that I'd sent something along the lines of "Why did you do this? Why did you try and kill me?"

 

I remember it was the middle of the night, and I was paranoid, convinced I was hearing other peoples thoughts, seeing conversations I had with other people. I got angry. I couldn't sleep at all and the thoughts just kept on coming and coming and coming and coming. This isn't the first person this has happened with. And the person I sent the message...well, we weren't talking anyway. She'd asked me not to contact her anymore, so this may well be a problem. She does know I'm bipolar, but I'm still worrying about what's going to happen now or what she's going to do. Isn't exactly the first time she's recieved an abusive message like this from me. I don't know if she replied. There's no way I can check, and I'm not sure I want to know.

 

But regardless...I'm just stuck with a load of guilt and depression today. I'm hiding away from everyone and I don't want to see them, I'm beginning to wonder why I'm still here, wondering if this is ever going to stop. I'm seeing my psych on Tuesday and yes, I'm going to have to mention this. But I just don't know what to do.

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I've been massively confrontational with friends in public because of my paranoia. I too have lost a lot of friends, it's always the good ones that stick around though. Try not to let it worry you too much, no point in worrying about what you can't change. I can understand your wanting to hide away from things too; that is probably a good idea until you get your head together enough to be able to responsibly deal with the situation.

 

Glad you're seeing your pdoc in a couple of days, make sure you mention this!

 

Hope it all works out well for you.

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you're not alone I've sent many messages over the years being both manic and paranoid to people I care about things those things that may or may not have been real.  just know that this is part of your disorder in that it's out of your hands to control sometimes.

 

bipolar is not a defect in your person or in your brain and its not something that you would ever wish upon anybody. it's hard for people to understand that. just know you're not alone.

 

I'm sure we've all done that or other things.

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I think that most of us that are BP have done things that we feel guilty about. I know I certainly have. I have snip-its of memories of things I've done that make me cringe every time I think of them. Sometimes, I think it's a blessing that I don't remember a lot of those times. I've talked to some of the people I've done things to, mostly my husband and the kids. They forgive me. They know that it was a disease that was doing those things, not me. I would never do any of those things when well. The problem I have is forgiving myself. I've come to the conclusion that if they can forgive me then the only way I can honor their decision to forgive me is to forgive myself. That doesn't mean that I put it all out of my mind, it means that I learn from it and make sure that I do whatever it takes not to get in that position again.

 

Whether or not you talk to these people again is up to you and to them. Either way, you've got to learn to accept that you're ill. If someone was sick and vomited all over the place you'd not hold that against them. (Sorry for the gross analogy--it's all I can come up with right now.) You'd clean up the mess (or get someone to do it for you) and you'd go on. Sometimes with BP, it's sort of like that. We vomit with words or actions. We hope that people understand that we're ill and will help clean up the mess and move on.

 

If it were me, I'd send an apology email. You don't have to go into great detail. Just something simple along the lines of: "I'm sorry. I was ill when I sent you that last email. Please forgive me." I'm not saying that's what you should do, just what I'd do. Either way, I hope you can find peace. Beating yourself up isn't going to make things better. 

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