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I helped my boyfriend move back home for the summer, before school starts again. I didn't remember he had told me he was going to leave while I stayed back and cleaned. Wasn't listening I guess when I agreed to that. I got angry that he left me alone in the 110* apartment to clean up his shit since he never cleaned his apartment himself. Also, they forgot a lot of things so I had to pack them up and hall them down 4 stories to my car.

 

After getting to his parents', I enjoyed the AC, but didn't get the memo that his sister and her family of two small ADHD girls were coming over. I was tired, hot, sweaty, I smelled bad, no makeup, I'm already mad at him for leaving me alone. Now I have to deal with this?! I was anti-social, I was angry, and I just wanted to leave. I made myself stay because I knew I'd just come home and cut if I didn't stay.

 

He was tired, too, obviously, and after dinner said he'd take a short nap with me in his room. But no, he saw all the stuff laying around, got busy cleaning it up and then left the room to watch TV, leaving me, once again, alone. Long story short, I ended up having a small melt down after his sister's family left. He wasn't mad at me, but everyone knew that I wasn't "feeling good." I kept saying I was tired and feeling sick. Of course, we all know I was horribly anti-social, about to blow a fuse, and extremely emotional/on the edge of bursting into tears at any second.

 

How do you deal with being around a family or friends or whatever when you are obviously not ok and don't want them to know you are having a melt down? Is it possible?! I tried to sleep but was angry when he didn't just f-ing lay down and cuddle me!! Why is that so hard to do?! Or should I just learn to suck it up and pretend to be happy? Cuz that just seems way to hard to do.

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This sounds more like an issue of a boyfriend who is, at best, a little insensitive than anything.  It also sounds like you may not be very good at setting boundaries with others and/or taking care of yourself and your needs.

 

You are also completely allowed to not attend social situations if you're not up for it.  You're better excusing yourself or just not going if you know you're going to be unable to interact, stressed, whatever.

 

Sometimes you have to suck things up.  But most of the time, you should make decisions that are nurturing-- and that includes the partners you choose.

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If you have to go, I think that your BF could have done a bit more to support you.

 

Did you remind him that he agreed to lie down with you?  Sometimes you have to ask again and again for what you need in order to get it.

It used to help me just to have my partner with me - so I'd know that there was one other person who knew that even though I said I was "sick" I was really depressed/having a Borderline meltdown/whatever - and I would just squeeze her hand sometimes so that I felt like I was communicating it to someone.

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I think you already got some great feedback so far, stitches, so I'll just add my own little bit...

The worst thing to do is pretend you're happy. Not acknowledging the bad feelings when they surface is toxic....You need to breathe into the feelings, let them crest and then dissapate. When you don't acknowledge negative things, they tend to stay stuck in your system and don't leave(from what I'm learning). You can just say, ok, I'm feeling angry right now--this feeling is anger....and kinda sit with it and just breathe and let it be. If you can do that EFT tapping, it would be appropriate to do too..(There's alot of downloads you can find to see how to do it)...Eventually this awareness will lead you to the core hurts--what thing inside you happened that made you feel so *alone*...You use the word alone alot, so feeling alone might be one of your core hurts--and they cause you to act out when there are stressors, like the family being there, and the bf being insensitive. 

Definitely practice breathing exercises and tapping--it helps when you're stressed like this. HTH :)

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