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I'm F#(%ing up My Relationship


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So I've been down, maybe depressed. I've wanted to die and have been searching sites like alt.suicide.methods and I've got some good ideas that don't involve my usual method. Some I think I could do and some if I was desperate. 

Ron asked me if I'm OK. I've been saying yes for a while and I haven't been fine since my accident. I've been going down before then but it is then that I can pinpoint actually searching for ways to die.

He said that I need to get stable because this rollercoaster of ups and downs is bad for him. There have been a few times he's shut me down. I don't feel like I can talk to him without making him upset. I know I need to be more open and honest with him, but most of the time I think I can solve the issues myself and when I want to die I don't want him or anyone else stopping me. Mentally I'm screwing myself, this way of thinking is sabotaging my relationship.

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Sorry that sounds tough! First thing I think of is meds - have you talked to your pdoc about this? I'm no doctor, but according to med sheets 450mg is starting dose for Lithium, not a therpeutic dose. Of course your pdoc might have many reasons for keeping you at that level (I'm on sub-therapeutic doses of my med, for several reasons). But maybe you and your doctor can come up with other solutions to limit the roller-coastering?

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It is important that you be honest with him b/c he's part of your support system and, therefore, part of what keeps you healthy.  Do you think you could sit down with him and be totally honest about what's going through your head?  Would it be better or easier to get a counselor involved?  It is really tough for our partner's to go through the ups and downs, but I think tougher still is for them to see us hurting.  And they certainly don't want anything to happen to us.

 

There are also several books on the subject of coping with a mentally ill partner.

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Whats your biggest fear with being open about how you feel with Ron? Sometimes I have fears that people won't cope or stick around if I'm honest, is that part of what is happening for you?

 

The other, even more dangerous possibility is that you're serious about ending your own life and do not want help staying safe. I've come close to that point and I'd like to really, really encourage you to seek out help. Lithium helped a lot with my suicidal thoughts but only once I approached a therapeutic blood level.

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I don't want to stress him out, he has so much to worry about right now, I don't want to add to it. I think I can tough it out and I don't want to waste his time if it's just a fleeting issue.

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The problem is, if "toughing it out" ends up not working, your husband is going to be a lot more stressed out than he already is.

 

How do you know it's fleeting? At what point does "fleeting" turn into something more serious? Are you saying you are having an episode bad enough to need help, but only today? I think you need to see your pdoc.

 

You know you can talk yourself out of getting treatment, and that is what you're doing. Your husband wants you to be well. You are not well. Please tell your husband.

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It might give your husband some relief if you demonstrate that you have some insight and take steps to care for yourself.

In other words, make that doctor's appointment and then tell your husband you are having some symptoms and you

have scheduled a psychiatrist/therapist appointment to get treatment.

 

Thus he knows what is going on and he does not have to be your active caregiver.  Reading your blog over a long period of time it is clear that your husband has been through a lot also with your illness. 

 

For me, Damik, that is a HUGE incentive to get treatment, take my meds, stay stable.  I need to do that for myself, and for my marriage.

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