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I hate being told what to do!


Pearly
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Ok. I live with my family. I am 28. I do absolutely nothing to help in the house. I do not know if this is part of my negative symptom or what. But I do not do house work or cook. I am lazy as hell. No one asks my brother to do anything, it's just me because I happen to be a female and it's important I do these things. My brother is going to get married so he doesn't need to learn anything. I know I should but I won't because I feel it is unfair. Okay you probably think I am a feminist which I probably am, I don't know. I need some advise. I know I should grow up.

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Just because your brother is lazy and doesn't help, doesn't mean you should emulate his unhelpful behavior.

 

Helping with the cooking, cleaning, laundry and other household chores is something you should have been doing since you were 10 or 11 years old.  Regardless of sex, we should all learn to do the chores that help make a house run smoothly and give us a clean, healthy environment in which to live.

 

I've been a feminist for 50 years and I do all of the above, plus gardening, lawn-mowing, animal chores, canning and preserving food, and occasional carpentry, sewing, and window-glazing.  You admit that you should "grow up."  I agree.  Either move out on your own and take care of your own household, or pitch in where you live now.

 

olga

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I don't think being a feminist has anything to do with you being lazy (as you admit yourself) and not helping around the house at all.

 

I totally agree with olga. Chores are something you should have learned as a young child.

 

Start helping now or decide to move out. That may motivate you to grow up and start learning how to do chores around the house.

 

I'm not trying to be harsh here. I just think you need to hear this from others because it's an important part of becoming independent and growing older. And I have negative symptoms too and they are hard to work around I get it. But not doing anything at all is only going to make things worse IMO. You will have a sense of accomplishment if you help out. Start small if you have to, but whatever you do, start somewhere.

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I agree with everything said above. Acknowledging double standards of familial set-ups is fine, and you’re right that there’s an issue there if your parents expect you to do work around the house and not your brother on account of your sex. However, that does not mean that you’re exempt from doing anything because your parents are misguided and your brother’s an ass. You can pitch in around the house and make the case for your brother to do so at the same time. If that doesn’t work out, well, hopefully he’ll move out soon or you can move out yourself.

 

Perhaps you can talk to your parents about this situation if it is really something that’s stopping you from helping out. When I was a kid my brother would make a mess of everything and do nothing for himself so I became stubborn and wouldn’t do anything. Over time, thankfully, I grew up and I now help my mother out a great deal even if my father and brother do nothing – at least its not all on her and I do not pay rent, so, it would be awfully brattish of me to do nothing.  Its frustrating, I understand, but don’t use him as an excuse. Doing a load of laundry or cooking your own dinner is a good step on the way to autonomy and recovery. 

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  • 2 weeks later...

It sounds like a complex and nuanced situation, if we're factoring in your MI/negative symptoms, yes?

 

Hi, my name is Mirazh, and I have ADHD & aspergers.  My particular flavour of those two things leaves me struggling to do things such as basic chores, remembering to shower, remembering to go to the bathroom, get new clothes, attend to my medical care, or do a whole lot of things that aren't within my current narrow line of focus.  I currently live on my own and frequently need the aid of a good friend or family member to help me dig myself out of my house every month or so.  Don't ask me about the last time I had a shower, 'cause I don't remember.

 

The double standard in your home is awful; if you can arrange it I really do recommend trying to get out of there, be it living with room mates or through some other means (though obviously try to be safe about it.)  Of course the double standard shouldn't mean that you get to emulate your brother, it's true.  I do agree with Olga -- I'm a feminist and to me in part that means we should all learn how to take care of ourselves and our homes in order to contribute to our households so that it doesn't get dumped entirely onto one person.

 

However I've struggled with unacknowledged ADHD & aspergers for pretty much my entire life and I'm only, in the past year, realizing how drastically those things effect my ability to care for myself.  I know how to cook, quite well in fact, but I forget a lot of the time, or I've forgotten to clean dishes, or the whole task just seems too overwhelming to me that day.  I know how to clean, quite well in fact, but encounter similar issues.  And then these things snowball the longer that I leave them.  It can be a tricky balance.

 

If you're suspecting that mental health issues are connected to your current struggles, I would definitely try to look into that with your medical team.  Perhaps some solutions can be found.  I do better at the self care stuff with my stimulant medication, but even then you could still say I'm nearly to entirely disabled in most areas of executive functioning.

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