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...because I'm a fucking moron.

 

I just moved across the country, trying to believe the words that people who believe in me back home think but I feel worthless.  I feel like my resume is a useless pack of lies based on today's events.

 

So, I started work at a café.   Fuck what anybody thinks, the work is HARD...only one person on at a time, stocking prepping, lifting heavy shit, doing keg receipts and shit....and I just started and I try not to make any mistakes, but sometimes I stutter and get nervous.  I also work two other jobs.

 

My coworkers are all younger than me, attractive, while I'm the sole pudgy tattooed behemoth.  I feel kind of scrutinized there already but my friend who just left and whose apartment I am subletting helped me get the job so I feel like I owe her to stay.  Well, on Monday, a colleague rung me out for a beverage--we aren't trusted to ring ourselves out--and I noticed today, three days later, that I THOUGHT I was overcharged.  I went to work, asked to look at the receipt, the girls working totally started shit talking the guy who wrung me out saying that he was "fucking up left and right" and "doesn't care about the job" .  I was forced to work when I came in asking about the receipt...just ringing people out but it stressed me out because I wasn't on schedule, but I felt I "had to" to prove that I was worth working there or something.   Well, the one girl got an attitude with me when I asked to see the receipt again and, (and I swear this is isn't maniupulative, ALL the women in my family do this when they get angry or frustuated) my eyes filled with tears.  I excused myself (thought I wasn't on the clock and didn't need to) to calm down.  I then tried to explain to the coworker why I got upset, and that I never ever in a hundred years would weep in front of a colleague, but this error (which proved to be my bank's not the shop's) is going to cost me so much money in overdraft fees because I didn't catch it.  (I am barely eating right now because I am saving up for a passport.  I have an interview for an international phd program next week, but nobody there knows that) She just said "well, when you talk to your bank try not to cry" and I apologized and I left.   How could I have been so weak?  I stuttered like a fool and stammered like a retard and CRIED like a stupid fucking childish piece of shit.  I feel so worthless.  I had an interview for another job today (because I don't care for this one) and I just keep thinking "you fooled them because if they saw this they'd know how unfit to work you are, or I think if the people I listed as references saw this theyd revoke my recs because I'm not worthy of academic advancement.  I know these two things have nothing to do with each other but in my head they do; that I am worthless and will always make mistakes and screw up no matter how good things are going; that I am weird and unfit for human life; that everyone who ever said anything good about me was fooled and if they knew the truth I'd be fit to die.  I keep thinking how stupid I am for thinking the mistake was my work's when it was the banks and how I'll probably be fired now and not get another job because I'm not worth it.

 

This time last year I was hospitalized I am desperately trying to avoid that I am trying to work so hard to get into this good school but I can barely work a shit job.  I just feel like I deserve to die.

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First off, I work as a barista at a cafe and it is often chaotic, sweaty, stressful work.  I just wanted to validate what you said about it being a tough job.  It can feel like a lot of pressure, especially when you are new.

 

The co-workers you described sound immature, gossipy, and rude.  That anyone would tell you to try not to cry at the bank just blows my mind.  If one of my co-workers were crying, I would comfort them and tell them it is not a big deal.  I am sorry you were ridiculed for showing emotion.  That's so hurtful.

 

I don't see how you did anything wrong here.  You checked to make sure that the cashier didn't ring you up incorrectly.  That's totally reasonable.

 

You are capable.  You are fit for work.  You are worthy of life.  Try not to let this incident convince you otherwise. 

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Thank you.  I slept and I feel a bit better.  I have a shift in a few hours though...I don't get it, I know that I am smart, I have an MA, I am a published poet, I have worked and worked in many different capacities over the years, but when I work with younger, attractive, "normal" women I just feel like they see me for the beast that I am, and that everything counts against me because I'm so odd looking (I cover my tattoos at least).  This probably stems from the severe bullying I dealt with as a child, and I should discuss it in T, should I ever get a T again.  

 

It's a vicious cycle.  I grew up poor, like, homeless for a period poor, eating food out of trash poor, and whenever I get a new job I flash back and get scared of losing it and being that poor again.  I suspect its some kind of PTSD but the nervousness really messes me up and I know I get judged for it.

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I just want to point something out. I appear fully healthy (at least... I think I do). I am not open about my MI. I am not open about my physical ailments either. I appear to have all of my limbs and faculties. Yet. I do not. And no one knows.

For all I know there are other people around me who could write this exact post, and feel that they are competing with me for appearances. Normal is a setting on a washing machine. It does not exist within the realm of human possibility.

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