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"I am too fat to have an eating disorder"


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I am having a really hard time forcing myself to eat.

I never feel hungry.

When I do feel hungry, it's more like a pain than anything else.

Eating doesn't make it better, if anything I just end up feeling worse.

I wasn't really doing this to try and lose weight.

But I keep track of everything I eat and drink on myfitnesspal, and it is NOT looking good...

 

My daily calorie goal based on weight/height/activity is 1290.

I have not met this goal in over a month.

I can not seem to meet this goal no matter how hard I try.

I can't make myself want to eat.

And since I started kind of dramatically losing weight...

it's fueling it even more

i don't want to "get better" because it's finally making a difference

15 pounds this month

38 pounds total

I know it's not "healthy" but neither is being a giant blob of fucking fat and cellulite

I really hate my body

I want to know what it's like to be average or skinny or normal

just not huge

I am tired of being huge

 

And I know there's got to be a happy medium, but even when I am not afraid of gaining weight, I am JUST NOT HUNGRY.

And believe me, I have tried smoking weed. It does not make me want to eat anymore.

I just don't know.

Is there even a problem here? I don't know...

My friends are starting to notice

And I keep having to reassure people that I DO eat

I just swim and walk a lot, too

idk

sigh

 

I wanna be 140 by 2014

42 pounds to go

6 months to go

that's only 7 pounds a month

totally doable

in fact so doable that I have a new goal

120

is only like about 9 pounds a month

still doable

 

i'm scared that if i start getting better now

i will stop losing weight

and that just...fucking terrifies me

i am the fattest of my peers

i feel like men don't like me because of my size

people give me dirty looks

and assume that i eat a ton

and don't get off my ass

but for a year i ate my calorie goal

and was active

and barely ANYTHING

i don't know why it's so hard to lose weight for me

this weird thing that started is the only thing that's ever worked

 

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Losing weight can be a very seductive process.  It makes sense that, if you've seen some results you like, that you will keep doing what you are doing.  Therein lies the danger. 

 

What if you aren't satisfied when you reach your goal?  What if you keep lowering your intake and your goal?  How is your self-esteem outside of your body image?  I think those are good questions to consider and potentially discuss with a therapist or professional.

 

Also, I wonder what would happen if you met the calorie requirement from your online tracking site.  It is very possible to continue to lose weight without restricting your intake in an unhealthy manner.  Your body needs a certain amount of fuel, even if your aim is to lose weight. 

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Eating disorders don't come in one size only. Anyone of any weight, sex, age or socioeconomic background can devope one. It's highly unlikely that you will meet your goal weight using maladaptive eating habits. It's not sustainable, eventually your body clings to every calorie you get making weight loss impossible. It's much safer to increas your intake, now, ED 's are nasty and have much less desirable effects. You'll get sick, weak and in the long term can cause damage to your internal organs. Please, please talk to a professional about this, food doesn't make you gain weight, eating above your basal metabolic rate does. MPF is stingy on the calories, and your Body uses these calories to stay alive, to keep your organs functioning.this doesn't include hinge that your body does lke incidental exercise.

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Perhaps it would help you to have some assistance and guidance to lose that weight in a healthy manner.

You could work with a dietician, a doctor, a nutritionist. 
I have been  a member of Weight Watchers for four months.  I have lost weight and learned a LOT about

cooking and food, and changing my relationship to food.  You can go to meetings in person and you

can also be an online member. 

Or you could talk to a therapist about this.

 

What ever you do don't continue down this path on your own.

Edited by bpladybug
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I will tell pdoc on the 19th.

I've literally been crying now...I just found out that the awesome new job I was so in need of is going to piss test me. And I messed up. I smoked marijuana. I wouldn't have if I had known, but the lady who interviewed me said the process was done...so I just assumed that everything would be okay! Now I am just a mess. I don't know what to do. I feel hopeless. I fucked myself over. And I had to tell my mom. Now she's disappointed. I just want to sleep in for a long time. I don't want to go to my probation hearing tomorrow. I don't want to wake up at all...
I lost two more pounds. The stress I am under is making it hard to eat. It's like I just DON'T have an appetite. My stomach might growl, but it doesn't connect with my brain that I need to eat. Food makes me gag sometimes. I get sick. I don't know. I don't know. I am a fucking mess.

I just want to give up

wow anxiety

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I will tell pdoc on the 19th.

I've literally been crying now...I just found out that the awesome new job I was so in need of is going to piss test me. And I messed up. I smoked marijuana. I wouldn't have if I had known, but the lady who interviewed me said the process was done...so I just assumed that everything would be okay! Now I am just a mess. I don't know what to do. I feel hopeless. I fucked myself over. And I had to tell my mom. Now she's disappointed. I just want to sleep in for a long time. I don't want to go to my probation hearing tomorrow. I don't want to wake up at all...

I lost two more pounds. The stress I am under is making it hard to eat. It's like I just DON'T have an appetite. My stomach might growl, but it doesn't connect with my brain that I need to eat. Food makes me gag sometimes. I get sick. I don't know. I don't know. I am a fucking mess.

I just want to give up

wow anxiety

 

I get the eating issues totally and I hope this gets better for you. Really.

 

I see you are worried about the weed thing.

 

Can I ask how much you smoked and how long ago, then when is your piss test? It may not matter if it was just a little, a while ago, and your test isn't that soon. If you only smoke a bit, it won't be detected a week later even.

 

Don't ask how I know this.

 

I never get taken seriously with eating issues at a normal weight. I can cry and stress about it in front of them and they don't care. I've even given great detail and no one bats an eyelash. It's very frustrating.

 

I smoked a lot of pot when I was really sick in high school. Not in an effort to gain weight and be healthy again, but that was the effect. Not all people get hungry on it and I would NOT recommend street drugs as any kind of cure at all. Because it made me depressed more than usual anyway.

 

you might be okay on the urinalysis. Who knows?

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