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can i start again? proper?


Guest aurelie

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Guest aurelie

hi. i'm aurelie and i'm a ptsd whirlwind. but some of you already know that. sometimes i am more than ptsd.  not often, but sometimes. and lately i have been wondering if i should try extra hard to focus on the me separate from ptsd, even though that me isn't around so much.

i was missing people here and decided to go through my old thread today.  it really touched me.  i deleted (sorry!) so much of that thread, but it is still a very helpful thread to anyone who needs extra support.  seriously, if you are suffering from ptsd, or depression or anything really, that thread will help you because it's full of incredible support and helpful tips and thoughtful people.  it is a testament to the heartfelt generosity of the people of this board.  YOU are the reason i want to fight my urge to flee and hide.  i want to fight these intense surges of fear and unsafety.  i like it here dammit.

thing is, i can't post everyday all the time.  so if i'm not here for a couple of day's at a time it doesn't mean anything bad.  i promise.

it is very hard for me to share parts of myself.  but i want to try.  it has been proven to me that fighting my fears helps in the end.  so i want to try.

i am aurelie, in my early thirties, and i am from canada.  i have a loving partner who means the world to me. i have cats that have literally saved my life.  really.  i couldn't work for some years because of my ptsd, but i am now working again.  sometimes it's hard, sometimes impossible, but sometimes it helps to distract me and makes things better.  the structure is definately helpful because my memory is a mess from dissociation.

i love to read.

i am writing a memoir, not to get published, just to purge.  sometimes i get blocked because of my issues with safety and i have been known to delete my own personal private writings that no one else ever sees.  what kind of sense that makes, i don't know.

i am very justice oriented.  if you are my friend (actually even if i barely know you) and someone hurts you or tries to manipulate you and i recognize the situation, i will be by your side and fighting for your rights in a flash.  you can thank my fucked up family for that. 

if i ever get through...umm okay, trying to be more positive, WHEN i get through the ptsd stuff, i hope to go to school to get my MSW.  i want to advocate for people who have found themselves in a position where they are unable to advocate for themselves.  politically of course there is a lot i want to see changed, but right now even thinking about that is too overwhelming.

serrageorge asked me if i have any hobbies.  she was sharing hers and how hobbies can be a positive distraction when one is suffering.  so serrageorge if you're reading i want you to know that you have inspired me to take up a hobby!  it is something i've enjoyed doing in the past (at one time i painted and did various crafts) but now i have signed myself up for a class (OMG what have i gotten myself into??? i hope i can handle it with the trauma therapy and all.  OMG!)  but i want to try.  i want to try.  i have to at least try.  right?

and never have i done anything like this for myself before.  too busy trying to survive.  i want to be more than just a survivor.  i hope i can.  it's really all i know.  but also, fighting for other peoples rights for so long i've come to realize that i could be fighting for my own, too.  don't i deserve happiness?  don't we all?  reddog if you're reading i want you to know that when you said "my life my rules!" it really sparked something in me and it is part of the reason i keep saying I WANT TO TRY to fight the fear.  thank you for that.

okay i think this intro is too long so i'm stopping now.  thanks for reading!

aurelie

ps~ breeze and reddog thanks for leaving the porch light on!

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>,< I didn't see this until just now! I'm so glad you decided to come back, and I'm even more glad that you've decided to actually live your life instead of just surviving! Rah rah rah! (I never did care too much for the girls in school who were cheerleaders, but doggone it, I like to cheer people on!) And good on you for trying the hobby route! I really like my hobbies and they do help me. *gasp* and you love your kitties and they have saved you too! We have something in common there! My SerraGeorge (hence the name) needed me to save her during a time when I was really wanting to get out of this life. I stuck around to see her through. We saved each other, is really how it seems to me. ;)

This really makes my day! I'm so glad you're back!

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hi aurelie,

i'm glad you've chosen to stay. you help make the boards a better place.

and there is never, ever, any pressure on you here. that is the essence of what the boards can be for you. you don't have to churn through pain to post something when you're not ready. post a joke. post your shopping list. or stay silent and just surf. whatever and whenever you want.

take care,

grouse.

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