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I crave love and affection so bad I want to fall to my knees hug myself rock soothe myself and cry. I just... I feel insane. I have an unstable identity. I go from goth to emo to flapper (Me now) to lesbian to straight to bisexual to Christian to Pagan to Satanist to BLAH-and these are just off the top of my head there are plenty more where they came from-looking for it by fitting in with a group (Basically finding it in the group).

 

I suffered from neglect my first 15 months of life by my emotionally unstable (Possibly bipolar) birth mom (I am now adopted). My therapist thinks this is the cause of a lot of my issues subconsciously though I have yet to talk to her of this. I still have communication with her but of course she denies these things even though there are 2 written testimonies-one from her mother (My grandma) who loves her dearly and her grandma (My great grandma) who also loves her dearly-neglect from court (I have them). And my Aunt who baby sat me (No blood relation to her-she's from my dad side-whom my mom divorced) is a a good visual. My adopted parents also said when they got me I looked like I had never been bathed. 

 

I just want to be loved and cared for. It makes me want to break down. The worst part is... When I do get love. It doesn't work. It's not enough. It works but like... only for a short time. Then it comes back. I feel.... emptiness....

 

I feel so messed up. I just want to be stable and me-though I've gotten so confused trying to be loved I have a hard time telling the difference between those attempts and who I am.   :(

 

Anyone relate? Or just also an love/affection craver?

Edited by Bipolar_Flower

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I can absolutely relate, and I too was adopted/ I was adopted at 3 months old by a mentally ill woman.

I've read some good books you may also find helpful. Primal Wound & Coming Home To Self both by Nancy Verrier Newton.

 

My BF just told me last night that I cant give love to myself so I seek my love from others to feel fulfilled.

Your not alone

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I feel the same most of the time.  It's really painful.

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I totally relate. 

 

In my case, it was my biological mom who didn't seem to understand the power of "touch".  And I only found this out in small segments - such as (1) when I was 6 months old, if I cried during the night, I would wake up my older brother who was really tough to get back to sleep so she put me downstairs in the garage to sleep (WTF?).  All alone in a dark damp garage?  I guess she thought a baby wouldn't be able to sense that. 

 

And (2) was when I had her babysit my own baby at 8 months old - I was running off to an interview so dropped my son off with her for just an hour or so.  I come back to find my baby lying on the floor (it was carpeted, I'll say that much), with a milk bottle rigged up with a hangar with him sucking on the milk bottle....and she sitting on the chair next to him knitting.  I remember scooping my boy up and she never babysat him again.  I found it rather sad as it made so much sense at how much I craved touch/affection my whole life.

 

I remember being about 6 years old and falling down the stairs, enough to get a bloody chin.  I sat off in the corner and just cried....my grandfather saw me and asked why I didn't come get anyone to help me.  I guess I never expected someone to be there for me. 

 

I look back at my childhood life and all the sadness/angst makes so much sense to me now.  I still don't know how to heal it all, but I'm hoping the first step is to understanding all of it. 

 

But, LOL, at the rate I'm going, I'll be 70 or so before I figure all this out!  :)

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It sounds like your mother is treating him like one of Harlow's monkeys. They were only given a wire "mother" that the experimenters stuck bottles onto. Those monkeys all became severely disturbed.

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I can relate, Bipolar_Flower. My mother was never really a touchy-feely kind of person, not very affectionate and I could even call her cold at times. Her mother was exactly like that. My mother made a concerted effort to be more affectionate than my grandmother, but she still fell into what she knew at times. There are a lot of reasons I crave attention that I won't get into right now or else I'd be telling you my life story. But I know how you feel. I really, really empathize. 

 

I'm so sorry you are in pain, Bipolar_Flower. It really fucking hurts to feel like this. Is there anything comforting you can do for yourself when you feel like this? When little me craves love and attention, I often cuddle a teddy bear. Or, I wrap myself tightly in a cocoon-like blanket and it feels like I am being bear hugged. I have a boyfriend, who satisfies my need for love and attention, but little me often needs something more, something he can't provide. She needs a mommy. And it really hurts. But in the meantime, wrapping myself in a blanket or cuddling a teddy bear seems to soothe her/me. Also, stroking my own hair, whispering loving words to myself and hugging myself can really help.

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