By Bimbo Bear
So, I don't know if I've talked about this on the boards before, but I have something known as OSDD-1b. That's a diagnosis that is similar to Dissociative Identity Disorder, except that I don't have amnesia when I switch between different alters, or parts as I call them. Anyways, this is not about my OSDD-1b diagnosis, but rather about a part that I have who happens to have the worst case of OCD that I have ever had the displeasure of experiencing.
The part that I'm going to be talking about is a part that feels a very strong connection to Christianity. Basically, with her, I discovered something that's very depressing. I am a woman of color. That's something that I've learned to become proud of over the years, but when I was a kid, I remember thinking that I was ugly because I wasn't lighter skinned and didn't look "white". It took a lot of years to undo that kind of thinking, but now that I got to know my Christian part a little bit more, it looks like she took the message that I was ugly and ran with it. According to her, I am ugly because I am not white and don't have blonde hair or even maybe orange hair, and that is absolutely heartbreaking. And what's worse is I'm actually looking at myself in the mirror and wondering if maybe she's right? Again, it took so long for me to overcome this kind of thinking, but maybe she's an indicator that I never fully got over thinking that way? If I listen to her for too long, I realize that I start to internalize those toxic messages again. So that's not good.
Another thing that I've realized is that the Christian part that I have is incredibly obsessed with being "good enough" to get into Heaven. And, according to her, she will never be good enough to get into Heaven, no matter how hard she tries. So the fact that she keeps trying to convert everyone of my personality parts is kind of pointless since it won't bring her any peace. Logically, she kind of gets that, but she keeps trying anyways. And the thing is, when we indulge her or even entertain the idea that we might become Christian, she then gets incredibly scrupulous when it comes to her worship. That is to say, she has to follow everything to the T with no exceptions. Otherwise, that means she's a bad person, soiled, dirty, or defective in some way. And people who are spiritually defective don't belong in Heaven, at least according to her disordered way of thinking.
I think she is plagued by these thoughts to a point where it's unhealthy and she needs help. But how would I even begin to help her? Talking sense into her does nothing except make her defensive, if she listens at all and doesn't simply tune out my voice. I feel bad for her, but I also feel pretty bad for myself too. You don't know how much her thinking messes with me. It's incredibly toxic and destructive. And I just hope this doesn't set me back miles in my recovery process.
And before I end this post, I want to say that I don't think Christianity is a bad religion or only for white people or anything like that. In fact, I think Christianity is a beautiful religion and one that I might have considered joining if it worked for me and if it weren't for the massive level of OCD that this part of me happens to have surrounding this particular religion.
I feel like I know y'all a bit - long time lurker. I just wanna say that I have used this site to help me research and kinda navigate my way through the blissful path of personal awareness in my journey through crazyland. I have been very thankful to find great resources and opinions here.
So, into the breach of introductions...
I am a 32 y/o lady hailing from the great and dirtiest South, Louisiana. I've been a healer for over half my life, and a massage therapist for over a decade. I'm a (veerrry) small business owner working from home So that I can also care for my two magnificent children, one of whom is a tri-lingual, fencing super-nerd and the youngest of whom is the closest thing to a literal angel that I will ever know. I know.. Im biased but I don't lie!
My youngest (5) is also a soldier in the battle against unwonted, rare disease called Mitochondrial Complex III Deficiency. She is not expected to survive adolescence. I share this information to promote awareness of her affliction and to give some glimpse into the muti-faceted gem of shit luck that contributes greatly to my episodes of mental illness exacerbations.
Diagnosed borderline, major depressive disorder, schizoaffectve with just a dash of PTSD and DID to keep it fun. I did not seek help until the peak of my schizoaffective emergence, during which I attempted twice within a year. I've been off and on the pharmacopia and onlythis year did I see a counselor.
Now, because I'm swimming in medical bills for prescription meds, supplements (that insurance sure as shit won't cover), shitty cars, doctors appointments, genetic tests....yeah, I'm broke as fuck and I am on Medicaid. The great state of Louisiana is kind of a clusterfuck of bad doctors, limited mental health resources, and waiting lists that last over 6 months....so my mental health options are severly restricted.
So I'm finally deciding to say hi to all of you in the hopes that we can aquaint ourselves and, hopefully, I can find some sense of community because no one in Jesus country is really open to talking about mental illness unless its to call MI the side-effect of demonic possession.
So howdy y'all!
Call me Sage. He/him pronouns, please. I'm an obnoxiously pseudo-intellectual 15-year-old with a deep appreciation for ironic humor and old cliche emo music. I front a DID multiple system, sometimes with the assistance of our primary, E. There are 4 others who are "real" besides us (Blythe, Bridget, Delaney, and Stella) but they're younger and have a much lower predisposition to coming to the front. We also have one rather interesting and isolative yet generally benevolent introject as well as some not-so-chill ones, and some unidentified floaters that may be fragments. I'm most likely the one you'll get to know, though.
As an aside, we also have between us diagnoses of PTSD, anorexia nervosa, major depression, gender dysphoria, OCD, and unspecified personality disorder. We're currently on a transdermal MAOI and see an old and slightly creepy guy once a week for gushy, unhelpful therapy. We went to real treatment for the first time in 2013; since then we've accrued an embarrassingly long paper trail of inpatient and residential admissions. Blythe handled the first couple years, but I took over in 2015. Everyone in the family sucks except the cat, and everyone hates us (said the stereotypical teenager).
That's about the sum of it. Catch you on the flip side, CB
Edited: I didn't mean to post "first" version..
I am not diagnosed did. Just wondering whether or not it should be on my radar or if this sounds anything like what you guys go through. If I'm onto something, or I'm being stupid.
I used to practice my handwriting when I was in school to make it cooler/neater, whatever. Nowadays, I find that my writing DRASTICALLY changes, sometimes not for days, sometimes in the same sentence, or word even. They are very distinctive; a girly print, big letters no slant// a sort of creative print slants left// scribble scrabble, and lately a really beautiful cursive slanting right.//sometimes, a mix. Most times, it happens automatically, sometimes I can switch it mindfully.. I include this b/c I know handwriting can say alot about your personality.
I misplace/forget things ALL THE TIME> i am not at the age where it's normal to be forgetting stuff like this. I'll remember for a FACT where I put something, and behold, it's not there! Sometimes, it's in a more convenient location (ie;keys by door), but i have also found my open drink in the cupboard. ( I forget people's names, and sometimes people who are close to me seem completely foreign(or new). I forget why I'm in a room, what I'm doing, (I know that's not really abnormal, but it happens frequently enough to be frustrating and interfere w/ my timing).
I dissociate alot. sometimes seems cartoony. Esp when I'm driving. (Car-toony) and esp on the freeway. (maybe bc of anxiety?) used to be able to snap out of it, but now I feel like I can't. I don't "go out of body" though I have once, (but the situation was fitting) i used to feel alot like I was going to "fall out of my body"
My mind changes frequently, and intensely. I have several almost polar opposite beliefs/ views (well 2 polar opposite). And it's INCREDIBLY difficult for me to make any kind of decision. Usually, I opt that something in the middle would be best, like a compromise, but it's like I never actually do that, BC I change my thought again. Basically, I can not "mull it over" I have to take immediate action if I ever want to do anything, though most of the time I come to the "conclusion" that i'd be best if I "mull it over."
Awhile ago, I used to have horrible "fights w myself" basically at the time it felt like my hemispheres were seperate in their thinking, and kept proving the other side wrong, and displaying thier own correctness until i thought one side was true, then the other would say "but--something something something" & do the same thing. and so on and so forth. back n forth. ONE time, I had smoked weed and "saw" people in my head that were "making me say their words."
I would go back n forth (as a kid) from being "good", to being "bad". (These periods would last long though.) i was sort of obsessed w/ morals, and being especially afraid of breaking them (whether or not i was conscious of it.(in other words, fear of lose of control over myself and doing something bad.)
Not sure if that does anything, sorry if I am being a wimp here or what, I wanted to get real opinions from people who truly do deal w did or connecting factors. Thankyou for reading if you're down here, I would really like to hear (read) any feedback at all.
I feel it is my ultimate goal to depersonalize once and for all my life was a living hell until 18 when I hade a life changing drug experience and realized I was fucked up next day I was setting up a visit to the psychiatrist I am very introspective and realized what I hade better than ay outside source could tell me I hade bpd mixed with a family history of bipolar ouch now imagine the most emotionally sensitive and vengeful woman on steroids and lock her in your head the mind can only take so many temper tantrums before it pulls the old 1930's era divorce from its self which it did I am terrible driving a car almost maimed my family one time they had me drive on the highway big mistake also had 5 or six really close calls I zone out in the car while driving I am constantly almost rear ending people also I have what is considered the thousand yard stare if we are standing 3 ft. away I can split you into two like double vision here come the question have you hade similar experiences and what drugs help you and what drugs make your dp worse also can you think clearly while you are dissociated how much do emotions factor in on your decision makeing process