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I'd be fine if I was alone and away from dieting people.


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Possibly trigger? Who knows...

I had a huge issue with my eating when I was a teenager.

 

I was fine with new friends, new city, new me. I'd left my old friends and school and the triggers that came with them behind.

 

I had a friend that joined weight watchers and lost a load of weight. It was SO triggering as we lived together. She would measure everything, weigh it, count "points" and then she started on me, analysing everything I was eating. Saying if she'd have eaten that it would only have equated to 15 points and 32 was her minimum or something. If I left some dinner, or I didn't want a big lunch she'd get all snappy and say I had to eat something, sometimes she'd leave me alone and then arrive at my door with a sandwich! I felt like she was either forcing me to eat but at the same time she was critising me for what I was eating. I hate conflict, sets my anxiety through the roof. I am a pushover, and I feel so angry with her and myself because she is NOT in control of me, and its stupid to think like that. I just wish she'd get off my back. 

 

And now I feel like I am back where I started. My friend now suggested I go on weight watchers with her. I go, start messing with my points system. Lost 8lbs in 8 weeks. I then started just starving myself and walking to work and uni, lost another 6lbs in about 3 weeks.

 

Now I feel like I'm back where I started. Having to hide how I feel about myself in fear of losing people. Trying to make sense of the mess in my head.

 

> Edited for privacy issues. <

 

Family are going on about me losing weight. It feels good, but I feel so bad and disgusted with myself. 

Edited by Paperskyscraper
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Hey - 

 

One thing that comes to mind is - it is perfectly okay to be assertive.  I struggle with this too.  I find that among women there is always a lot of size talk and food talk and comparing and judging.

 

And at first I felt totally sucked into it and I didn't know what to do.  But then I decided that it's okay for me to express what is and isn't acceptable.  And it was HARD for me.  Because I didn't believe a lot of the things I was saying.  But even though I didn't believe them, I said them anyway.  And it did help.

 

For example, I have asked people close to me to "please not comment on my weight one way or another, because it makes me uncomfortable".  I also say things like "I think it is okay not to be on a diet" and "I think that it's perfectly okay for me to eat ______" and "I am working on being healthy, and dieting is not healthy for me".

 

You don't have to go into the whole history of having an eating disorder and you don't have to judge what any of your friends are doing.  But you have the right to let them know that their comments on your eating and your size are not acceptable.  Because they aren't.  And most people who really care about you will be able to take that on board.  It is very possible that they are simply not aware how difficult they are making things.  Weight Watchers (and indeed any diet program) is not the right fit for everyone and it sounds like it's not the right fit for you.

 

I'm not saying that you don't need to change your eating.  But if you do better when you are NOT on a diet, then that is something to consider.  You can make healthier choices day by day without getting into that "controlling everything" cycle that feeds the ED.

 

I know therapy is difficult for you - do you ever think about working through a workbook on your own?  There are some good ones out there.

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This may sound silly, but what is a workbook? 

I used to try and keep some sort of thoughts diary, but I when I went to uni I didn't want it to come with me in case someone found it and I became laughing stock of the halls, but then my mum went though my room when I moved in with my bf last year and she left the book on top of all the other items she'd packed into boxes. As if she'd read it and I dunno... she doesn't do confrontation either (probably where I get it from) and is in denial about many things. I know she wont talk about it, but I get afraid she will mention it when we're alone, or she'll get drunk and it will spill out what she's read.

 

I have huge issues with privacy, I just can't risk leaving stuff written around for people to find, even though I'm an adult, and I have more privacy and control over people and my boundaries now than I did when I was a kid. 

 

You're totally right though, I think I've known all along that there is no way its going to go away or burn out just by hoping my friends will get tired of diet talk. I need to say something, and be prepared with a response or three for when my friend is in grill mode. 
 

My fiancé thinks she's just paranoid about being the 'fat one' as she does remark on this a lot, despite losing more than half her body weight in over a year and so insists on making sure people eat more than she does because it makes her feel better and more in control.
 

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A workbook is a self-help book but it has activities in it that you can do on your own.

 

For example, one of the ones that I know that is for eating disorders is this one: http://www.amazon.ca/Dialectical-Behavior-Therapy-Workbook-Bulimia/dp/1572246197

 

In full disclosure, I have not used this workbook specifically, but I have used the general DBT workbook that is in this series and found it to be very useful.

 

Your fiance may have a point, but you can't change what she thinks.  All you can do is tell her which actions are unacceptable in your relationship - i.e. commenting on your eating/weight.

Edited by tryp
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It's perfectly okay to not want to talk about nutrition / weight/  diets with others. I know it's awkward but just be firm, when someone brings it up politely say you don't want to talk about that. You don't owe it to anyone to elaborate. In fact it would be quite rude for someone to push for further information. I can cope with people talking about it, and sometimes I have to correct their misinformation. If they really just don't get it, try and change the subject, like 'what are two intelligent people discussing something as menial as dieting, did you hear about .....' It's best if you do it in a light hearted way. 

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