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Perhaps I am looking for some insight...


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I am new to the boards. I posted an intro if you'd like to read that, if not, that's alright too. 

 

I don't have a diagnosis but I suspect it's a personality disorder. 

 

I've been in and out of therapy since I was around 5 or 6. 

 

I remember as a child I found the other kids boring (probably totally normal maybe), it wasn't that I was afraid, they were just boring, I'm sure most people can relate that a lot of people are boring even as adults. When friends tell me "hey you should meet my friend x" internally I go "oh great, hope they aren't boring". I've got a problem with being bored and have probably said that word too much in this sentence. 

 

Anyway, as a child I also was a bit of an ass -- one time a friend was giving me a hard time and I actually grabbed her throat because she made me angry, I was maybe 12 or so. Other times I scratched a kid, and hit another, usually because of mockery and I didn't feel badly. Since then any violent urges have been suppressed as I have gotten older and matured but I figured that was important to mention. Because I didn't follow the rules often enough in school the teachers thought I was deaf or had a disability of some sort but I don't, all intelligence and functioning tests putting me at  the high 2% of the population so go me, I'm smart *finger twirl*. 

 

Fast-forward to now, I am pretty much a person who lacks natural emotive ability. If someone tells me a family member died I have to force myself to frown. Normally I don't feel much of anything save occasional happiness or anger or disappointment. I suppose I could call myself generally content but often bored. 

 

I have a fiancee and she is very helpful because she keeps me from doing extraordinarily stupid shit that is both harmful to myself and sometimes others. 

 

I do manipulate and I do lie but not constantly, typically I do it in an opportunistic way. 

 

These days mostly what I am dealing with is having a lack of any guilt or empathy for the most part and lack of emotive ability even if I can act like it -- this makes me good at my career which is in IT. 

 

I have two close, close friends who know a ton about me, one of them is my fiancee. Perhaps this may sound awful but I don't care much most of the time for my other friends and usually I will indulge them if they want to hang out just to ward off boredom. 

 

I've been suspecting I have some sort of ASPD related "disorder", although I am aware enough to be high functioning as a recent therapist told me. I've never been diagnosed because I don't want to be and I lack the ability to be fully truthful enough to allow them to do so because hey, I don't want to be treated like a criminal or locked up or "fixed". 

 

In general I will act to help others even if I feel nothing about them or what I am doing and I am not particularly interested in hurting myself or anyone else which I guess is why this therapist decided there was nothing to worry about.

 

It's easier to post on some anonymous board and get some insights than talk to someone in person. 

 

One more thing before I end this post -- I'm not depressed nor anxious, nor do I have avoidant personality disorder nor am I histrionic, I just wanted to point that out. It's also highly unlikely I am on the autistic spectrum because I am very good at social interaction even while not feeling much of anything and can read all the little body language cues. 

 

I don't expect any certain answers  here but I would like a bit of insight, maybe some ideas and maybe even tips aside from "go see a shrink". I am weary of shrinks and I'm mentally stable, but I figured for once I'd try full disclosure. 

 

Thanks for reading,

Rok

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Hi rokisa!

No one here can or will diagnose you but, I just wanted to sat that I can really relate to that.You shouldn't worry about fully disclosing anything to a mental l health professional.They have heard it all & I'm sure it wouldn't make them think any less of you.Goodluck.It's a great start to be self aware.

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I do not want a diagnosis really, just maybe information, as I said in my first post.

 

I will not go to a mental health professional again for a few reasons including multiple instances where I was not listened to and it resulted in my own endangerment -- for example one medicine's side effects was fainting and I fainted into a granite countertop and nearly needed stitches. Because I this I would rather not be pressured to go.

 

However, I did I speak to one a few weeks ago because an acquaintance annoyed me into doing so after I made the mistake of explaining how my mind works to them.

 

This psychologist said that I am clearly high functioning and not dysfunctional, he also added that what I experience with a lack of emotional reaction can actually work in my favor with being logical and level headed in many situations. He also said he would not label me with a diagnosis really because I am high functioning enough in his eyes for this to not really be something with which I should concern myself.

 

This being said, I am not worried, nor anxious about my state of being and I have always been self-aware, I am merely curious. 

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Can you explain a bit more clearly what it is that you would like from us?  Because if you're not bothered by this and you don't want to change or be treated - I am unclear what you were hoping for.

 

If there is a specific symptom or issue that you would like tips on coping with, it would help to clarify that.

 

Generally we are a community for people who are seeking treatment.  There may not be a lot that we can do that would be of use to you.

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Well I said I didn't want treatment mostly because I was informed there really isn't any treatment, more I just need to learn to sort of cope, etc...

 

The only thing I really want to work on is dealing with people, not professionally, I am good at that, but for some reason it gets more difficult in a personal situation, does that make sense? It is very hard for me to be affectionate even to my fiancee because of my lack of emotional ability. Fiancee does not particularly mind because she understands me very well. As for friends, many mistake my inability to emote as my being uncaring, while I'm more focused on a solution/advice than being sympathetic/empathetic. Sometimes I really don't actually care lol...

 

Point is know what I MIGHT have allows me to do research and learn better and being here on a forum with people with perhaps similar issues, I may be able to learn coping mechanisms in a personal relationship scenario because I'm bad at that I guess. I have two best friends and one is my fiancee, this is something I'm okay with. I'm very interested in meeting new people and making new friends but I also don't know how that works, not because I am anxious or awkward but because I am shit (pardon me) at small talk and anything else. I realize I can do the same thing I would in a professional setting but...again for some reason it's harder.

 

I cannot afford anything like DBT which is something I considered. 

 

Does this make sense? I am looking for possible answers w/suggestions on how to improve friendships/establishing them. I am interested in people to the highest degree I am capable of being interested. I do apologize if this has been unclear, bad hangover.

Edited by rokisa
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